To not be proactive at arranging baby shower?

[Thatoldgumtree]

I feel like the biggest bitch about this so wanted some external views.

Bit of back story.

Have been best friends with K for 17 years, met at school and have been very close ever since. When we went to different universities we stayed close but less direct contact due to distance although we text every day and called multiple times per week. During uni she reinvented herself almost, and I was so happy as she always had such low self esteem, she really grew in confidence and became a much happier person all round.

As part of this she also got a new friend group which seemed to spearhead this change, I heard lots about them but never met due to us getting together irl when both back at holidays over visiting each other at uni.

Fast forward to her getting married and I was MOH, organising the hen was an absolute nightmare with these uni friends, they were quite nasty to me, excluded me when dress shopping, they were very cliquey and not nice at all. I’m an introvert so no doubt could have made more of an effort during our first encounter but in my personal view when you’re a group of 7 who all know each other it might be nice to be a bit more open to the one person who doesn’t know anyone else really.

I wasn’t rude but just a bit shy having to meet so many new people, all of which were treating these events like reunions, not bothering to talk to me, all the stories were ones from uni so I had no idea etc.

After the drama of the hen and her wedding was over at least I thought to myself I wouldn’t have to interact with them again.

Now into my AIBU. K is expecting her first child in 2 months time, I know she would like a baby shower and I’m best placed to organise, however I’ve been putting off doing anything as I just can’t bare the idea of having to deal with these nasty assholes again, they honestly made me feel like I was 10 being left out on the playground.

I also can’t plan one and not invite any of her other friends as that’s a dick move. I know I should put my big girl pants on and suck it up for her sake but just thinking about how they treated me last time (haven’t included it all here but they were horrible) is filling me with anxiety.

I haven’t yet said one way or another about the shower, so have time to decide.

AIBU to not organise or keep quiet until K outright asks (hopping she never actually outright says anything) about a shower?

Showers are a load of bollocks, don't offer to do one. I try to avoid going to them, not had them for any of our children.

Life is too short to actively choose to spend time in the company of people who have been unkind to you. You would be anxious from the minute you started organising it until it was all over. Is that how you want feel for the next few months?

Do you have any joint friends outside of the uni bunch? If so I would be organising a small afternoon tea, even if its just for 3 or 4 of you, and making a fuss of her there. Don't call it a shower, as then she can't comment on the others not being invited. Frame it as you wanting to treat her before baby arrives. And don't give the other lot another thought.

Are you American? If not why the heck are 'baby showers' even talked about. Stupid idea. Enjoy her company and buy the baby a nice present when it's born.

@BobHadBitchTits

What did they do?!

Oh god where do I start

Our first time meeting was her dress fitting and bridesmaid dress shopping, when K went through she realised her shoes were still in the car so I nipped out to get them while she got undressed. Went back into the fitting room and there was a nice plush bench with 8 seats outside her changing room, 7 BMs sat there and as I walked through holding the shoes the one second to the end tapped the end BMs leg and she hurriedly grabbed her bag and put it on the last seat so I couldn’t sit in front. Had to then just stand at the side. A more confident human would have asked her to move it but it was clear as day what was happening and I was just caught off guard and hurt by it to say anything.

After this K had some bits to sort with her alterations so we got started trying on dresses, they all went into one changing room, to help each other out, leaving me on my own. Not that I’d like them to see me naked but it’s hard doing up massive dresses on your own.

When I came out in the dress I felt most comfortable in 2 of them laughed, and the others were looking at them in a ‘that’s mean but I agree’ type of way.

K came back in a few mins later and said she loved the dress I had chosen, at this point 3 of the others who also chose that style decided to change their mind and were really awkward about it.

After this we went for dinner and not one of them spoke to me, asked about me, my life, what K was like when younger - anything. K tried to get me into the conversations more as they were 99% talking about uni friends they used to all know. One of her other bridesmaids was talking about work and k said oh ‘gumtree also works in her charity sector don’t you’ I then saw this as my chance I got one word out before the other BM said well not all charities are the same so I doubt you know x,y and z, then carried on talking about her awful manager.

Then there was the hen drama, K was really specific about what she wanted. I set up a WhatsApp group and said the plan, gave people options for dates but explained due to what K wanted the activities and order of the day wasn’t really a group discussion. All of them kicked off about this on the main chat.

They kept pushing for all these weird and wonderful activities, from flower crown making go penis painting which I politely had to say no to every time, as K had made it clear what she wanted and she wanted it to be as cheap as possible so everyone could attend.

Pissed off by this they then all left the group chat, set their own up pretending to be the main group, invited everyone else from my hen chat to it except me.

I found out when one of Ks aunts asked about it in the main chat, I told everyone they could accept the other chat if they liked but to be aware the plan I’ve outlines is what will happen so not to get dragged into planning something else as it would be a waste of their money.

On the hen they blanked me the entire day and night, refused to even offer a drink when they made a point to offer everyone else one when they went to the bar.

When getting ready the morning of the wedding I heard many under breath comments about me getting my makeup done, making nasty comments about how I looked and how the make up lady had to do a great job as I looked bad in the dress by itself.

This isn’t all of it but can’t be bothered to type anymore out

My god, these women are horrendous!

I know you probably won't want to but I would be finding a time to tell K all of this. She needs to know how they have treated you.

Gosh they sound like an absolute bunch of horrible people.

I think as pp have said, get in their first with a 'just us while we can' thing. If she pushes it, just say you don't really believe in baby showers, they're a bit overhyped by shops to force you to spend money on tat. And if really pushed, you'll just have to (gently) tell the truth.

@roastingmichael

My god, these women are horrendous!

I know you probably won't want to but I would be finding a time to tell K all of this. She needs to know how they have treated you.

I was debating it during the ordeal, but she had only lost her DM 5 months before getting engaged and was really struggling dealing with planning her big day knowing her DM wouldn’t be there, so didn’t want to add to that burden.

After didn’t feel worth it as it was over, or so I thought and I’d never see them again.

Bitches

@Mariposista

Are you American? If not why the heck are 'baby showers' even talked about. Stupid idea. Enjoy her company and buy the baby a nice present when it's born.

Not sure why so many think they are an exclusively American event, been actively searched for and planned since early 2010’s in the UK

@ComtesseDeSpair

If it’s something you know your friend would really appreciate then organise without their involvement. It’s not like a hen do where you need loads of engagement - just start a WhatsApp group, add them all - alongside other friends and relatives - and announce that you’ve booked a private room at X restaurant/cafe for X date for everyone to come and have a celebratory tea or something.

If anyone questions why you didn’t canvas opinions on location or date just say that it was difficult to do with so big a group to consider. They aren’t going to start attacking you in a large chat including other people your friend loves who’ll think what you’ve done is perfectly nice and sensible.

Sorry just seen this, thank you for the ideas on how to manage if she does actively ask.

Will have to keep it as low involvement as possible and these are great ideas so thank you !!

Oh god. I'd tell K exactly what these cunts are like. They sound awful!

I would buy a present for K's baby (and one for K) and go and visit her in your own time. Don't organise a baby shower, nobody is going to enjoy it.

You’ve talked to her about how they treated you, right? Don’t see how she can expect you to do this with what’s gone on.

The surprise afternoon tea one on one sounds like a lovely idea, you can breezily say something about getting together as a group once things calm down a bit more if you want but I wouldn't bother unless asked.

Having a one-on-one event is a good idea but be prepared that the uni friends might organise a baby shower (if that is something that people around you do - most people I know would hate one). You have to weigh up if you'll feel left out if they hold one for her. But with all your examples of how awful they are, I imagine you won't mind if they all have a shower of their own.

So K reinvented herself with the mean girls at uni. Yeah I wouldn't be having those women near me.

Her friends sound awful but I would still throw her a baby shower if you consider her a good friend. It's really sad to be in the position of wanting a shower but it's not appropriate to ask someone else to host.
This happened to me and I was so sad about it - my best friends and family live in a different country and none of closer friends here offered.

You don't need to involve them at all if you do it. Just offer and ask for an invite list. Send them a date and time (maybe by email? WhatsApp invites input) and host at a cafe/afternoon tea place. Making a seating arrangements to sit with some of her family and they can have a table to themselves. It's only a couple of hours and would mean a lot to your friend.

Sorry you had such an extraordinary foul bunch of people to deal with over the hen, dresses etc. I agree with a PP suggesting you treat your friend to a lovely tea or brunch.

Baby showers are US, though, despite being in the UK for 10-15 years or so. I think the reason people are resistant to them is because it's overmarketing and making too many demands on rabbits, friends and relations. Where once it was wedding/baby's religious service it then became hen/stag/ wedding/baby's religious serviceand now (if you don't include an engagement party) it's hen/stag/pre wedding dinner/wedding/after wedding party/baby shower/baby's religious service.

I mean there's no obligation to organise one is there? It's not a hard and fast tradition in this country like hen do's are, I've never had one or been to one.
I really wouldn't bother from what you've said regarding her awful friends .
Just. do something with just her and anyone else you're both close to if you really feel a need to do something for her.

Why is everyone focusing on the baby shower thing and how much they hate them? My niece is 20 and we threw her mum one so they're hardly a new thing.

Whether people like them or think they're tacky is really not the issue here.

@Mariposista

Are you American? If not why the heck are 'baby showers' even talked about. Stupid idea. Enjoy her company and buy the baby a nice present when it's born.

Are you in 1985? Baby showers have been a "thing" in the UK for years. Does it matter where they originated? Do you refuse to eat sushi/curry/pasta because they are not natively British?

Op I would just do the one on one thing with her. Her friends may organise a baby shower just for them and not invite you anyway - I know someone who had 3 different ones organised by different groups of friends (she's obviously a lot more popular than me!) so don't feel guilty about it. I also wouldn't feel bad if you had to tell friend why you don't want to see them - you don't have to make it into a huge drama and start crying and demand its you or them -just say "I'm not sure how much of it you were aware of at the time but they were all really horrible to me at your wedding so I'd rather not see them again." If she apologises say it's not her fault and you're not upset, just wanted to explain.

@Ohyesiam

You’ve talked to her about how they treated you, right? Don’t see how she can expect you to do this with what’s gone on.

I didn’t want to mention during the planning as she was still grieving losing her mum and after the event it felt pointless as I assumed I’d never have to see them again - out of sight out of mind and all that.

She knows I don’t like them as she picked up on some of the issues, but doesn’t know the full extent (if that makes any sense!)

@thevassal

Thank you for this, will definitely keep that wording in mind if it does get to the point where I need to say something one way or another

Invite school friends, family and other people to dilute the mean girls, who might not even come anyway. Her mum may take the lead so you don't have to.