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Original poster

Someone tell me how you went tee-total I think this is going to lose me friends

53 replies

JustAnotherDayWorkingAtHome · 07/02/2022 12:22

I know I need to, I just can't do a halfway house, I have had so many false starts. After coming out of the fug of another weekend of over indulgence I really want to crack this. But I am looking ahead and don't know how to manage it....

  • work drinks tomorrow night
  • a weekend away with girlfriends
  • a cocktail night with two couples we are hosting
  • a dinner party with friends

I just feel like not drinking is going to be such a big deal, it is ridiculous why do I feel like this. It just scares me that so much of my social life revolves around alcohol and this is going to be awkward among some of my friendship groups....

Those of you who have gone AF...did you find that some of your friendships drifted apart?

OP posts:
boardbored · 07/02/2022 12:33

Find the app ‘the alcohol experiment’ about giving up for 30 days. It is very helpful.

It’s so easy to go out and drink alcohol free beers now, you can go out and after the first one people don’t notice.

JovialNickname · 07/02/2022 12:34

Hi there xx yes honestly, they did. Friends that I was "real" friends with, that I sometimes drank with, it was fine. Friends where the friendships were only based on

drinking activities, yes, being really honest, in time we drifted apart because in the end we didn't have that much in common.

But try not to worry about that now, early sobriety is so confusing and overwhelming. Well done for making this amazing move. Can you drink non alcoholic versions of your regular drinks to avoid the questions at least? Congratulations on doing the best for yourself, hold onto that. Lots of wisdom that I am too silly / not in the right headspace / occasionally still too drunk to deliver can be found in the wonderful Catherine Gray book, The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. I know the title is wanky but it's a great book with practical tips on socializing sober. Good luck Xxx

DockOTheBay · 07/02/2022 12:35

Its a shame you didn't think of it a few weeks ago as "I'm doing dry January" is quite a good foot in the door for explaining it to others.

You can still go for drinks, cocktails, a dinner party - you just choose a non alcoholic drink or cocktail. Don't make a big deal of it just order what you want. I guess it depends what your friends are like, are they likely to ask why you're doing it or get all uppity about it?

Adatwistscientist · 07/02/2022 12:38

I find that if you don't mention it people will either not notice or won't care. If they bring it up I used to just say I felt dehydrated and needed a night off so sticking to soft drinks, then over time they just got used to it.

The only time I've found it awkward in the last five years has been at a new job where we've had to order our drinks on a spreadsheet for a works party. I felt like everyone assumed I was pregnant! And I suspect they see me as a bit straight laced. But ultimately I'm an over sharer and over talker without alcohol so my interactions aren't hugely different.

Cardio101 · 07/02/2022 12:38

DH is tee-total, I wouldn’t say he lost friends, but he doesn’t see them nearly as much as he used to as the majority of their socialising is in pubs

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2022 12:40

You'll quickly find out who your real friends are.

5128gap · 07/02/2022 12:41

No. I never made a big announcement and they barely noticed, just got myself mocktails and alcohol free wine/beer. But my behaviour didn't change. I was still as chatty, confident, and no more inhibited sober as after a few drinks. I think if drinking changes you a fair bit it's harder, as people will see the sober you as a different person. You might also go off them a fair bit too.

TheGoogleMum · 07/02/2022 12:43

Yes some people will find it hard to accept being around a non drinker as they'll feel like you're judging them or being no fun. You have to do what's best for you though and real friends will understand

TheUndoingProject · 07/02/2022 12:43

If they don’t support you in this they aren’t real friends. I still find it a bit awkward with new people or at work dos, but honestly not drinking is much less embarrassing than making up the next morning ashamed of how you behaved (again!).

TheABC · 07/02/2022 12:44

You don't owe anyone an explanation. A drink - any type of drink - is a personal preference. Just order a soft drink at the works do, tell your weekend away friends that you are sober 'as a health preference' (if they ask) and come armed with what you need for the dinner parties. For cocktail night, stick with the 'soft versions,; if anyone is driving (or struggles with the high alcohol content), they will applaud your thoughtfulness.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2022 12:47

Your friends aren’t friends if they aren’t supportive of you doing something you need to do for your health and your well-being. It doesn’t need to be awkward - if anyone asks why you’re on mocktails or are declining a class of wine, just be factual about it.

When I began cutting down on my drinking I was open with my friends: I felt I’d been drinking far too much far too often and so was going to embrace mixing up my drinking outings with my non-drinking outings. Nobody has been anything but supportive - and several friends have followed suit.

user1497207191 · 07/02/2022 12:48

Sadly, there is still a lot of social pressure to drink, and if you don't, then you do tend to be seen as "odd", even more so when the socialising revolves around pubs and clubs rather than restaurants/cafes etc.

I don't think it's true that after the first, people don't notice, especially when it comes to drinking games, shots, etc that really don't work with a diet coke or orange juice!

SickAndTiredAgain · 07/02/2022 12:49

I’m not sure anyone specifically noticed.

Although if you are hosting a “cocktail night” it might be commented on as that’s obviously more alcohol focused than, say, dinner. But look up some alcohol free cocktails and if anyone asks, just say you’re cutting back. I think a bigger “I am now tee total” announcement will get more comments/questions which you may not want to answer even if they aren’t being asked in a negative “omg why would you do that” kind of way.

lifeissweet · 07/02/2022 12:50

I don't really drink anymore. I didn't decide to go teetotal and I still drink at Christmas and occasionally at other times. It started when I went on an antidepressant that makes me really groggy if I have a drink on top. It was only a 'thing' the first time I went out with friends and since then it's been a non-event. It is easier with groups of friends, though. It is slightly more awkward 1:1 when people don't want to get drunk with a stone cold sober person. So if you have any drinking buddies who you spend time alone with, those friendships may change a bit.

Good luck with it. It is so good to be hangover free.

ShavingTheBadger · 07/02/2022 12:51

I’m not completely teetotal but drink very rarely - maybe once a month if that and I don’t drink at home unless celebrating. I either order lemonade from the bar so that it looks like a G&T or I drive and tell people right from the start. Excuses for that - big day tomorrow, early start, can’t afford a taxi (true as one home for me is c£35 after midnight), personal security etc. and be strong. Sometimes I just say “I don’t want to, I don’t fancy it tonight” and keep repeating it.

DockOTheBay · 07/02/2022 12:53

You might also go off them a fair bit too
Yes this is true. A lot of people are total dick heads when they're drunk. It's less obvious when you're drunk too.

Hankunamatata · 07/02/2022 12:54

So dry feb. Just make a joke that january was too early to start so your doing feb.

CoalCraft · 07/02/2022 12:54

I have always been teetotal so I guess it's a bit different, but drinking has never really been a central part of what my friends and I get up to. We game together, hang out at each other's homes, go out for meals, and while some will have a pint or two it's not the focus of the activity.

I also go to work "drinks" and other functions and people rarely comment on me ordering just coke. I don't tend to stay put late in the evening or go to clubs, but then I don't really want to. I suppose of I did like the idea of that sort of thing I'd feel more restricted by not drinking.

Sunnysidegold · 07/02/2022 12:55

I kind of withdrew a bit when I stopped as u found it difficult to be honest. I always felt I needed drinks to loosen me up and make me fun,and when I went out sober I felt less fun and kept having to justify why I wasn't drinking.

I also left places a bit early as I found it a bit awkward.

I would also recommend the Catherine grey book mentioned above, and the sober girls society handbook (they're also on Instagram).

After a couple of weeks I went to a birthday party, a hen party, a wedding, work dos and all sorts and people had got used to the idea of me not drinking so it was a non issue.

Find something that you like to drink that's non alcoholic. Look up a cocktail recipe for the cocktail night. If it makes you feel any better just lie and say you had a big night the night before or you have a big day the next day.

Stripyhoglets1 · 07/02/2022 12:56

I drive for events if I don't want a hangover.

NoLongerTroels · 07/02/2022 12:57

I just order a soft drink. When they ask if I was x I just answer no thanks, you don't have to explain your reasons. I've been asked if I ever drink, I just say no I don't and change the subject. No ones business really.
Someone suggested I must be pregnant one time, that made for some good laughs given my age. I have said I drank when I was younger, and into my 20's but I'm just not interested and everyone loves a designated driver.

Momijin · 07/02/2022 12:57

Do the alcohol experiment, it is brilliant. I did it and managed to socialise, but I did it on a case by case scenario. I chose to drive which made it easier.

RicherThanYew · 07/02/2022 12:58

I think the age of your friends is a factor here Op, also, do you ever see your friends outside of a setting where alcohol is involved? (Cinema, theatre?, bowling, gym, yoga) it will be less noticed in those settings than in ones where you are literally meeting up specifically to drink alcohol. I felt awkward at first so I lied and said I was on antibiotics or that I had a UTI, no it wasn't glamorous but after a few occasions it just became normal.

Original poster
JustAnotherDayWorkingAtHome · 07/02/2022 13:04

Thanks everyone. I have the Catherine Grey book it is very good. I also have been using an app called Reframe.

I think I just feel ashamed I can't just have one or two drinks. I have always been like this, always the one who gets the worst hangovers or the drunkest and I just don't want to be that person anymore.

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 07/02/2022 13:07

If you lose friends because you do not want to drink alcohol then they were never really friends in the first place.

I've never had an issue being in pubs or on a night out without drinking alcohol. No one else cares.