Someone tell me how you went tee-total I think this is going to lose me friends

[JustAnotherDayWorkingAtHome]

I know I need to, I just can't do a halfway house, I have had so many false starts. After coming out of the fug of another weekend of over indulgence I really want to crack this. But I am looking ahead and don't know how to manage it....

• work drinks tomorrow night
• a weekend away with girlfriends
• a cocktail night with two couples we are hosting
• a dinner party with friends

I just feel like not drinking is going to be such a big deal, it is ridiculous why do I feel like this. It just scares me that so much of my social life revolves around alcohol and this is going to be awkward among some of my friendship groups....

Those of you who have gone AF...did you find that some of your friendships drifted apart?

3.5 years teetotal here. It did lose me friends. I made new friends who like hanging out sober!

I quit drinking last summer. It was actually much easier than I thought - like giving up anything though you really have to want and commit to doing it. There will always be an excuse not to / an event or birthday coming up. That will only get in the way if you let it.

Tell your friends. If they are real friends they will support you. Plus as designated driver you'll be especially popular ;)

It's so much easier to be alcohol-free. Honestly nobody will notice or care. Though you may find that drunk people are pretty tedious.

Most people are perfectly understanding of temporary detoxes. If this is forever though then yes, you may lose some friends if your socialising is centred around heavy drinking. But that’s probably a price worth paying.

I’ve been the total for about 10 years.

I find the hardest thing is people just want to understand. Why am I not drinking, what’s the problem, why can’t I leave the car and have a couple, am I going to be fun, how does it make them look if I’m not drinking and they are?

I don’t have those barriers any more and I haven’t lost friendships because of it, but it was hard in the early days when I lacked confidence.

Make sure you drive when possible, have recipes for virgin cocktails to hand and be as fun as you’ve always been.

Real friends won’t care. If you think you have a problem with alcohol they might have thought the same for a while and be pleased you’ve taken control. They will want the best for you.

The people who have issues with you not drinking are those who probably have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol themselves. They may try to encourage you to drink.

You will find out who your real friends are.
Good luck with it all.

I'm teetotal, stopped for sport. Didn't lose any friends because I still met/meet them and carry on as usual, except I have a soft drink. Nothing else has changed.

I very rarely drink but that’s probably easier than suddenly becoming a none drinker.
I’d just say you are carrying on dry January or doing dry Feb instead and then just say you are feeling healthier so decided to carry on. I’d try and plan some different activities with less focus on alcohol if you can.

I also don’t really drink - I have the odd one at Christmas or on birthdays - I just got fed up of feeling tired and dehydrated the next day . I’m sure it does effect some friendships but not the ones that are genuine .

Definitely recommend the book by Jason Vale, How to Kick the Drink Easily. It specifically covers the reactions of friends etc. You will be empowered

Have you seen the AF thread - it’s amazingly supportive. I’ll try to link…
I’m also another one who did Alcohol Expetiment for 30 days; there’s a paid version with extra support but the free one is great just keep scrolling down Annie Graces website until you find it. It’s American but not too gushy at all. She has YouTube videos about socialising & friendships too if you want to have a look at those.
I’ve been AF over a year now and the socialising but was weird at first. The only thing that REALLY gets in the way is blooming wine tasting events. Everything else there’s a work around.
You CAN do this!!

From what you've said, your real friends may well be happy, for both you and themselves. The friend who always goes massively overboard and can't have one without getting blotto becomes much, much less funny once you're out of your early twenties, which it sounds like you are.

I tend to agree that it's as big a deal as you make it, unless your friends actually have alcohol problems themselves. A breezy "oh, don't feel like it tonight" will cover it for most people, or per PP you can make a joke about dry Feb. Getting yourself in as confident a position as you can about it is probably three-quarters of the battle.

Tell people you are TTC?

Or just sneak alcohol free versions for yourself.

Say you are on a diet as alcohol has so many calories or are going sugar free.

Here’s the amazing AF thread. No one is moderates their alcohol. So no triggers. Everyone is going t-total. It’s incredibly supportive.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4461184-The-freedom-thread-continued-Riding-the-rollercoaster-of-an-alcohol-free-life

Tell people you are TTC?
Bit less convincing if you're pushing 50. Or when your friends start asking if you're looking into fertility treatment eighteen months down the line. Or when your work colleague gives you the Thanks I Really Didn't Need Details Of Your Sex Life look.

I lost lots of friends unfortunately. I never made a big deal about going teetotal but within about six months I noticed that I wasn't getting invited to things.
I think I'm seen as boring now which is a little upsetting as I feel like I haven't actually changed, I just don't drink!

Last year DH and I stayed with friends of ours that we hadn't seen for a few years and I was really looking forward to it, especially after the covid restrictions had been so miserable.
Anyway they spent most of the time either drinking or hungover, I was hoping for a good catch up but they wanted early nights.
Without sounding unkind they appeared old before their time.

Second recommendation for the alcohol experiment. Changed my life.

To be honest, I've never had a problem with being teetotal. Although maybe it depends on how fun you are without alcohol.

I was actually no fun when I did drink because I would be ill and have to go home. I'm fortunate not to need alcohol to loosen me up and I've no problem being sober around drunk people.

Always first on the dance floor, last to go home, don't mind having a laugh. I suppose if you are going to be miserable because you can't have a drink or be irritated by others being drunk then maybe that would be different.

Lots of my friends are pleased I don't drink as there's someone to let them know exactly what happened on a night out and a free taxi home.

I am by no means a non-drinker. But I don't drink much.
Often when I want to drink I have to drive so can't. Or I am so used to not drinking that I forget that I could actually have an alcoholic drink now.

I think a few things make it easier, I love dancing in pubs/clubs and will be one of the first on the dance floor even stone cold sober.
I find drunk people really amusing generally.

I can't see why it would make a difference to anyone whether I am drinking or not. And they probably won't notice after the first or second drink.

Yeah my social life isn't great anymore tbh, I get invited out but if people are in the mood for a drink drink, it's not much fun being stone cold sober while they get progressively more drunk. I haven't sworn off alcohol for life but I don't have a healthy relationship with it and not everyone knows the extent of that for me.

I don't drink. When I first gave up I had friends trying to persuade me to just have one or two. I never made a drama out of it....I just drink sparking water with ice and a piece of lemon. Most people think it is a G&T so have stopped asking me. One you have gone out in social situations a few times and not had a drink it becomes much easier.

I think another thing is people like the fact that I will always be drunker than they are if you know what I mean so they don't ever have to worry about they have done if I am there...do you know what I mean.

I am going to join the alcohol free thread thank you for that link. February should be relatively easy for me to do, I have a work do and can just say I don't want to drink mid week and then I have dinner with the neighbours (tricky as can't drive....but will come up with an excuse), I have a couple of nights with family who will hopefully be understanding as I will tell them the truth, and so I am going to take this one day at a time.

It sounds a bit tricky with the particular events you have coming up (eg a cocktail night) as people who enjoy drinking and don’t have a problem with it are probably quite looking forward to getting a bit tipsy with friends. I think you can keep friendships but might need to choose activities that are more natural to not drink at, eg meet for yoga and then brunch rather than say a 1:1 night out with a friend at a cocktail bar.

Ah was just going to say volunteer as designated driver, but just read that you don’t drive. It’s amazing how popular you become as the driver. I have a friend who hardly ever drinks and is happy to have nights out without a drink. When she does offer to drive, we usually buy her drinks, pay her entrance fee or offer petrol money. Win win for everyone.

Just tell them you are doing Tee Total for Twenty Two - it is working well for me. It is just longer than Dry January! There is a much better range of non-alcoholic drinks available now at pubs - although it p*sses me off mightily that they are priced so highly. All worth it to be able to drive home and wake with a clear head.

Good luck OP!