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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not pandering to friend?

31 replies

frustratedbiscuit2 · 07/02/2022 12:12

I'm very much 'in charge' when it comes to arranging and booking trips etc. I planned a holiday with this friend, let's call her Susan for arguments sake.

I gave her the price for the flight, the hotel and activity cost while we're there. Susan agreed. The following day she walked out of her job and contacted me to say she couldn't pay immediately for the trip. I was annoyed but agreed to her repaying me in installments.

She messaged me last month to point out something else that we should do on the trip and I agreed it looked great and booked it (it was on offer) and said 'so you owe me £40 for your half'. She hasn't acknowledged it or sent me the money yet.

The flight carrier's luggage allowance has changed since we booked and I need to go on and add luggage to the booking. AIBU if I just add on luggage for myself and send Susan the log in details to do her own? I sense if I do this she won't actually manage to organise it herself and we're going to have chaos at the airport. But I'm not her mother!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 07/02/2022 12:18

If I were you, I would assume this trip is not going to happen and start recuperating my losses.

HollowTalk · 07/02/2022 12:20

Has she paid anything yet?

Original poster
frustratedbiscuit2 · 07/02/2022 12:21

@HollowTalk

Has she paid anything yet?
She has paid for the original trip so that was the flight, the accommodation and one activity. In about 5 instalments of whatever she could afford that month.

She hasn't paid for the extra thing she suggested last week.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 07/02/2022 12:24

So she does pay, she's just slow to reimburse you? In that case, yes, let her make the additional luggage payment herself if that's a problem (it being a problem includes you feeling taken for granted).

Thatsplentyjack · 07/02/2022 12:25

Well, if she managed to pay you for the trip within a month then I'm sure she will pay for the extra activity. Did she actually ask you to book it? Why didn't you just say "looks great. You book it and I'll send you the money"?

switswooo · 07/02/2022 12:28

As there will be chaos if she doesn't book, not sure I would use this occasion as the opportunity to stand your ground.

Could you ensure that in future she takes charge for booking things?

PurpleDaisies · 07/02/2022 12:28

If she’s paid you for the rest of it, I would assume that she’s going to pay for this too. You seem to be in the dynamic that you pay and she pays you back.

You need to think about whether you want to be a credit service for her. Send her a message asking when you are going to get your money and that next time, it’s her turn to book. Give her the details and let her sort her own luggage out.

switswooo · 07/02/2022 12:28

@Thatsplentyjack

Well, if she managed to pay you for the trip within a month then I'm sure she will pay for the extra activity. Did she actually ask you to book it? Why didn't you just say "looks great. You book it and I'll send you the money"?
It's not an activity, the luggage allowance needs paying.
Original poster
frustratedbiscuit2 · 07/02/2022 12:31

@switswooo PP is referring to an activity she suggested and I booked and she hasn't repaid me for. That's the latest incident that has me questioning whether to book the luggage for her.

If I was waiting for her to book things for both of us we'd never do anything.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/02/2022 12:32

Has she ever not paid for anything (eventually)?

Original poster
frustratedbiscuit2 · 07/02/2022 12:34

@Thatsplentyjack

Well, if she managed to pay you for the trip within a month then I'm sure she will pay for the extra activity. Did she actually ask you to book it? Why didn't you just say "looks great. You book it and I'll send you the money"?
She paid for the trip within 5 months. When it was booked it was agreed she would pay immediately and then she chose to leave her job and paid me back over 5 months.

If I waited for her to book anything I'd be waiting forever! I can't remember the wording but she definitely wanted us to do it.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 07/02/2022 12:34

Yes, send her the login to add her luggage (if she wants it) and point out that is she doesn't do it online it costs a lot more to pay for it at the airport.

Original poster
frustratedbiscuit2 · 07/02/2022 12:35

@PurpleDaisies

Has she ever not paid for anything (eventually)?
Once off the top of my head, I booked train travel for us that was £25 each and I asked her maybe 3 or 4 times for the money and she never sent it.
OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 07/02/2022 12:35

Think about the consequences for you if you decide to passive-aggressively not book her luggage in without even alerting her to the change in requirements.

You say it will cause chaos.
Unless you are prepared to waltz off smugly with your own luggage, leaving her to cope as best she can, that chaos will rebound on you.

Choose another hill to die on, & in the meantime USE YOUR WORDS instead of spiteful little acts of revenge.

switswooo · 07/02/2022 12:36

[quote frustratedbiscuit2]@switswooo PP is referring to an activity she suggested and I booked and she hasn't repaid me for. That's the latest incident that has me questioning whether to book the luggage for her.

If I was waiting for her to book things for both of us we'd never do anything.[/quote]
Oh I see.

In that case, get money in advance.

Allsorts1 · 07/02/2022 12:36

As you organised the flights and have all the details I would just check with her if she wants luggage and explain the extra cost, and ask if she wants you to do her extra bag when you pay for yours? I don’t really see the big deal- as a fellow holiday organiser I understand your pain but you also get the benefit of choosing where you want to go. She’s paid you back before so there isn’t really a problem here unless you can’t afford to bank roll it?

caulkheaded · 07/02/2022 12:39

Use an app like Splid - we always do when we’re away with friends and I think it would work well with two of you as well. That way you can see everything itemised and the total amount to pay. I find it simplifies things rather than continually feeling you need to remind someone to pay.

Original poster
frustratedbiscuit2 · 07/02/2022 12:44

@ChargingBuck

Think about the consequences for you if you decide to passive-aggressively not book her luggage in without even alerting her to the change in requirements.

You say it will cause chaos.
Unless you are prepared to waltz off smugly with your own luggage, leaving her to cope as best she can, that chaos will rebound on you.

Choose another hill to die on, & in the meantime USE YOUR WORDS instead of spiteful little acts of revenge.

I messaged her a few weeks ago about the extra luggage cost and she didn't acknowledge it. I quoted her the price and asked if it was ok with her and she did not respond.
OP posts:
Shortpoet · 07/02/2022 12:53

In that case I’d message her and say as you haven’t responded about extra luggage I haven’t booked you any. If you change your mind it will cost you £X online which you have to pay for by x date, £Y at the airport or you can have up to Z kg of hand luggage. I’ll be using all of my allowance so won’t have any spare.

Notice the use of “it will cost you” not just saying “it costs”.

MMMarmite · 07/02/2022 12:59

I'm on the opposite side of this pattern with a friend. She's organised some brilliant trips where I've just had to turn up and pay her back.

This year she expressed that she felt she was doing an unfair share of the organising. But then, when I tried to organise, she was less than keen on me doing it my way - turned out she preferred to go to a very specific place, and struggled to trust anyone else to organise food for her, due to allergies. She agreed in the end that she does like the sense of control from being in charge. It was a bit of a learning experience for both of us - hopefully next holiday we can find a split of responsibilities that works for everyone.

AmandaMirandaPanda · 07/02/2022 13:01

I'd forward the last email you sent her about the luggage and add something like "I've added my bags, wasn't sure what you're bringing but if you want a checked bag don't forget to add it before x date/time as it will be more expensive at the airport." And give her the login details if she doesn't have them (or depending on the airline/site she may be able to set uo her own account and access her booking through the confirm number and surname even though you booked for her).

If she needs to pay extra for a carry-on bag, definitely remind her and tell her the size limits! If she's short of money she may want to go carry-on only. Either way, there shouldn't be chaos at the airport - most airlines will let her add bags when she checks in, it just might be more expensive.

If she's paying you in installments, can you just add any new costs (like her half of the activity you added) to the total and send her an email "reminder"?

malmi · 07/02/2022 13:04

Not the point but you're entitled to the luggage allowance that was offered when you booked, they can't retrospectively alter the terms of your booking unless you agree to it.

Original poster
frustratedbiscuit2 · 07/02/2022 13:06

@malmi

Not the point but you're entitled to the luggage allowance that was offered when you booked, they can't retrospectively alter the terms of your booking unless you agree to it.
So, Easyjet used to offer this 'hands free' service where you paid £7 for a cabin bag within 30 days of flying. That's what we were relying on and its now unavailable. So we didn't have it booked before but had planned to do that once in the 30 day window.
OP posts:
Leighcloon · 07/02/2022 13:10

@ChargingBuck

Think about the consequences for you if you decide to passive-aggressively not book her luggage in without even alerting her to the change in requirements.

You say it will cause chaos.
Unless you are prepared to waltz off smugly with your own luggage, leaving her to cope as best she can, that chaos will rebound on you.

Choose another hill to die on, & in the meantime USE YOUR WORDS instead of spiteful little acts of revenge.

This. I think you're being a bit unreasonable, OP. You presumably act as the organiser for these trips because you want to do them, and you want her out of your other friends to do them with you, despite knowing she leaves the organisation to you -- if it wasn't worth it to you, you wouldn't go on holiday with her. Or not more than once.

I think it would be cutting off your nose to spite your face to not book in her luggage when you're doing yours, if you are sure she won't do it, and you'll be faced with potentially missing your flight on the day, unless you walk off and board solo and leave her at it. Which would mean you then go on holiday without her, which you presumably don't want, or you'd have gone solo in the first place, and saved yourself this hassle?

If the evident annoyance this is causing you is really wrecking your head, then speak to her about how it's making you feel, or don't organise a holiday with her again.

TigerLilyTail · 07/02/2022 13:15

I would pay for the luggage allowance but then stop organizing things to do together. It sounds too stressful and she can't really afford it.