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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Letting yourself in to relatives houses

44 replies

afizzysweet · 07/02/2022 08:38

Just wondered what the general consensus is on this.
So I will just walk in to DPs house unless it is early in the morning or late at night. They usually know I'm coming round and have a rough idea of time, or I'll call them before. It was my family home and they've always said I don't need to knock.

DH also just walks in to his DPs. Again, they know when we're coming round, we don't just turn up.

MIL will occasionally say that she is coming round tonight, not give a specific time (could be anywhere between 4 and 8), and let herself in. DH and I only get a few hours together in the evening and I get a bit annoyed by this as she has often walked in on the middle of dinner, walked in and shouted "HELLO" and disturbed bed time, once let the dog out (I avoid him going out the front as there's a big maine coon that sits on our wall and has attacked him many a time so naturally these days he tries to see it off). Not being crude but we are TTC so if DC are asleep then she could be walking in on anything! She has been asked many times not to just turn up, or if she wants to come down then to let us know a rough time so we are aware. I usually keep the front door locked so she can't walk in but sometimes it'll be open because I've just taken the bins out or something and then in she will wonder.

AIBU? Is this a normal thing and do I have double standards?

OP posts:

kristyltk · 07/02/2022 08:44

Can you lock the door so then she can't just let herself in?

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2022 08:46

I think if DH does it when you visit her, even if he does give a more precise timeframe for when he’s lonely to arrive, the expectation has been set that this is something you’re fine with and think is normal. Keep your door locked, tell MIL she’ll need to knock in future, and stop wandering into her house in return.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2022 08:46

*likely to arrive

seekinglondonlife · 07/02/2022 08:47

YABVU, and no, it's not normal to have double standards like this.

JohannSebastianBach · 07/02/2022 08:48

Lock the door? Leave the keys in it?

MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers · 07/02/2022 08:49

Jut lock the door. Job done.

Aprilx · 07/02/2022 08:49

Well yes it seems like double standards if you and DP walk into other peoples homes but the complain when they do it to yours.

Lock your door if it is an issue though, she surely isn’t hiding in the bushes waiting for you to forget after you have taken the bin out!

AlDanvers · 07/02/2022 08:50

I would walk into my parents house and they would walk into mine.

I do think it's a double standard to say you or dp can do it to them but they can't do it back.

I would get dp to tell her she needs to text when just before she sets off, though. And keep the door locked if you know she coming round that evening, unless she does.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 07/02/2022 08:52

The door is locked for the most part, it's just occasionally we forget. We do give specific time frames for going to her house, e.g. we will call and say we'll be up in 10 mins. I used to always knock but she has her radio on so loud that nobody can hear the door hence why she said just let yourself in.

She will call at 4 and say I'll come down in a bit then let herself in at 7pm if the door is unlocked. If it isn't she obviously knocks. Can see where there could be misunderstanding.

OP posts:

WhatsMyNameGonnaBeNow · 07/02/2022 08:56

It’s a double standard. After all you usually know she’s coming round and have a rough idea of time - exactly your own approach!

phoenixrosehere · 07/02/2022 08:59

I don’t think it is a double standard since OP and her DH have ASKED for her to inform them beforehand repeatedly. If said parents wanted their adult children to stop then they should ask them to.

My DH and I do not have an open door policy neither do my parents however my in-laws do. I would double check with them despite this but my DH wouldn’t because his family have had this policy for decades for family members however they know they would have to let us know when they visit us.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 07/02/2022 08:59

It’s a double standard. After all you usually know she’s coming round and have a rough idea of time - exactly your own approach!

I thought there was a difference between a 10/15 minute window and a 3/4 hour window...

OP posts:

Clymene · 07/02/2022 09:01

If you don't want her to do it to you, stop doing it to her surely?

Aprilx · 07/02/2022 09:03

@afizzysweet

It’s a double standard. After all you usually know she’s coming round and have a rough idea of time - exactly your own approach!

I thought there was a difference between a 10/15 minute window and a 3/4 hour window...

It is still letting yourself in, it is sending the message that this is a normal thing to do. If you want it to stop then lead by example so to speak.

HeddaGarbled · 07/02/2022 09:04

My advice is, if she tells you she’s coming round later, don’t have sex until after she’s gone!

AlDanvers · 07/02/2022 09:21

@afizzysweet

She will call at 4 and say I'll come down in a bit then let herself in at 7pm if the door is unlocked. If it isn't she obviously knocks. Can see where there could be misunderstanding.

So it's okay unlocked occasionally.

So this only happens occasionally. Surely if you are having sex and your kiss are in bed, you make sure the door is locked anyway while you are upstairs?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 07/02/2022 09:25

PILs walk into our house but they usually phone beforehand to get the kettle on. We do similar.

Ar my parents they are usually waiting for us as the parking is rubbish so I drop the kids and then drive off to find a parking spot.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 07/02/2022 09:28

My adult dc don't knock here (both previously lived here but not longterm childhood home). I knock at their doors. They live alone and it's their personal space. Have keys for cleaning /parcel taking in /pet feeding!!
No privacy here so no need to knock!!

IamnotSethRogan · 07/02/2022 09:37

I let myself into parents house but they have never walked into mine. They prefer me just going in as they're elderly and don't have to get up to answer the door.

I think they see it as they're my parents and I can come and go in their home as I please but it's my house with DH so they wouldn't want to be disrespectful to him (everyone gets along and DH wouldn't mind if they did)

ilovemyboys3 · 07/02/2022 09:37

I would just make sure the door is always locked so she cannot just walk in

Redlorryyellowduck · 07/02/2022 09:41

Just lock your door, complete non issue.

Snaketime · 07/02/2022 09:45

My dad knocks and then let's himself in, when I go to their house I just walk in.
For me I still see my parents house as my house, as I grew up there, whereas my house is my house.

piglet81 · 07/02/2022 09:49

@HeddaGarbled

My advice is, if she tells you she’s coming round later, don’t have sex until after she’s gone!

Yes exactly. I really don’t think I could get in the mood for a shag if I thought MIL might be calling round!

stuntbubbles · 07/02/2022 09:53

Your options here are:

• Lock the door, always – change the lock to the type that does it automatically
• Stop letting yourself into her house – if she can’t hear you knock over the radio, call/text and wait, every time
• Have sex on the hallway floor as often as possible
• Move and don’t tell her where

Only you can know which of these is possible but I think the lock is probably easiest.

Onlyforcake · 07/02/2022 09:55

Doors are respected in our family. We knock or ring the bell .... Even with a key in our pocket.

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