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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Letting yourself in to relatives houses

44 replies

afizzysweet · 07/02/2022 08:38

Just wondered what the general consensus is on this.
So I will just walk in to DPs house unless it is early in the morning or late at night. They usually know I'm coming round and have a rough idea of time, or I'll call them before. It was my family home and they've always said I don't need to knock.

DH also just walks in to his DPs. Again, they know when we're coming round, we don't just turn up.

MIL will occasionally say that she is coming round tonight, not give a specific time (could be anywhere between 4 and 8), and let herself in. DH and I only get a few hours together in the evening and I get a bit annoyed by this as she has often walked in on the middle of dinner, walked in and shouted "HELLO" and disturbed bed time, once let the dog out (I avoid him going out the front as there's a big maine coon that sits on our wall and has attacked him many a time so naturally these days he tries to see it off). Not being crude but we are TTC so if DC are asleep then she could be walking in on anything! She has been asked many times not to just turn up, or if she wants to come down then to let us know a rough time so we are aware. I usually keep the front door locked so she can't walk in but sometimes it'll be open because I've just taken the bins out or something and then in she will wonder.

AIBU? Is this a normal thing and do I have double standards?

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2022 09:57

It's unfair to let yourself into her house and not expect her to do the same.

Spidey66 · 07/02/2022 09:58

I wouldn't walk into a family members house without them letting me in, no. The only exception was shortly before my mother went into a hospice (terminal cancer) and that's because she was in too much pain to get up. Even then I'd ring her doorbell before opening the door. But yes you have double standards.

FairytaleOfLancashire · 07/02/2022 10:00

YABU, which you know. Lock the door

Seeline · 07/02/2022 10:01

Do people really not lock their front doors still? I live in London....

I have keys to both my Mum and MIL houses; they have keys to ours. We all ring the doorbell. I will very occasionally let myself in at my Mum's (my old home), but only of she has been away and I'm delivering food etc, or if she is ill.

Basically, no-one would use their keys, unless it was an emergency.

MyGlassKeepsLeaking · 07/02/2022 10:01

My sons often visit, but always knock (we've never asked them to, and the door is always unlocked - it's glass-panelled, too)but I think that's out of respect (they've got a key each too), and we do the same at their places.

steppemum · 07/02/2022 10:03

well, I think the simplest thing is to make it so she can't unlock the door.

Have a key on the inside, so her key doesn't work. Keep door locked, use a bolt and say it is to stop dc going out front.

Anything really, so she can't open the door. As long as you open it and are pleased to see her, then it should be fine.

But yes it is a double standard.

StationaryMagpie · 07/02/2022 10:03

the rules in our family are if you're expected, knock, let yourself in and just shout 'hello'

If you're not expected, you knock/ring first and wait to be called in or let in by someone inside.

Chely · 07/02/2022 10:11

You need to speak to her about it. Either she gives a more specific time, texts when she sets off or knocks and waits.
I will let myself in to my parents if they are not fast enough getting to the door, my mum does the same at our house. And yes she has turned up at inappropriate times so gives us notice now 🤣
We don't have keys for dh's parents houses and not given them ours.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 07/02/2022 10:11

Will accept that IABU. Will lock the door and leave a key in the other side

OP posts:

Original poster

afizzysweet · 07/02/2022 10:16

You need to speak to her about it. Either she gives a more specific time, texts when she sets off or knocks and waits.

I think the broad timescale is the reason I don't like her letting herself in. If she said she was coming at 7 and let herself in any time between 6:45 and 7:30 I wouldn't care but saying "I'll come round tonight" and that could be literally any time between tea time or going to bed, that's very broad!

OP posts:

Original poster

afizzysweet · 07/02/2022 10:18

Btw we have said can you either be more specific as to when you're coming, or just give us a call and we will flip the kettle on, but she never has. So I just started locking the door but like I say, sometimes it'll be open or she will use her key.

OP posts:

onedayoranother · 07/02/2022 10:27

I always let myself in to my parents home. My sisters only if they knew I was coming to make sure it was convenient. I can't ever imagine my in laws spontaneously visiting so that's was never an issue, and my parents would only come when expected and didn't have key so would have to ring the bell anyway.
Just lock your door (unless she has a key, though why would she.).

Chasingaftermidnight · 07/02/2022 10:59

I don’t think YABU. I don’t let myself into my parents’ house just because they always come to our house. But my parents have a key to my house for emergencies and went through a phase of just letting themselves in when we were at home. I nipped it in the bud. The main reason is that it’s my husband’s house too and they aren’t my husband’s parents so they need to have respect for his space.

DilemmaDelilah · 07/02/2022 14:08

My mother actually set it out as a rule, saying 'Any of my children can come into my house at any time. I would never go into their houses without knocking'. In practice, we would always let her know when/whether to expect us and would always shout when opening the door so that she knew we were there and didn't give her a shock. She would never come to our house without prior arrangement, although we wouldn't ever have turned her away.

DilemmaDelilah · 07/02/2022 14:09

And my children all have keys to my house but wouldn't use them without letting me know... And vice versa.

heyitsthistle · 07/02/2022 14:16

I moved out of the family home at 24 but lived locally. I would just waltz in and out as I pleased, but generally would let them know so I could be sure to say hello. These days I'm further afield so would definitely let them know as I'd be sad to miss them!

Cherrysoup · 07/02/2022 14:44

And take the key off her!

Laiste · 07/02/2022 14:53

Re: the double standards thing: it's complicated.

Two of my big DCs have left home but they still have a key and when they come round they let themselves in. It's still 'their' house in all of our minds.

However - i wouldn't walk into any of their houses like that because it's never been my home.

I guess that's just weirdly how it works.

I used to hate my DM 'just popping in'. I got the key back under some pretense eventually and didn't give it back. I wouldn't want my PILs 'just popping in' either.

Teawaster · 07/02/2022 19:51

I used to just walk into my parents home when they were alive as I considered it my home and so did they. It is my home now as my mother recently died.... well shared with my brother .
My parents always knocked at my house and didn't treated it as their own , as it wasn't at the time , in the past or in the future .
Similarly I see my children as always treating my house as their home , but when they set up home on their own or with partners , I won't be wandering in unannounced . It's also about respecting that your adult child's home is their partners home also , if they have one

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