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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I should tell my children about my ex / their father

27 replies

AlwaysOnTheGo1417 · 06/02/2022 21:16

Hi all,

I don’t usually post but I’m in a dilemma and need help. My ex walked away when DD was 2 and DS was just a baby, I remarried couple of years laters and my husband is the only father they have. I don’t think DD has any memories of my ex and he has made no effort to contact.
DD is now 14 and has been playing up because she has been having friendship issues, some heartbreaks etc. Both children get on really well with their father (they don’t call him step dad they call him dad).

Should I tell my children what happened in my first marriage or will it be opening a Pandora box?

What is the right age to tell them ?
They don’t ask because I think they’re happy in their life generally and have a father in their lives but I feel may be I should just tell them.

Other question is how much detail to give ? It was an abusive relationship, how much details to give them? They know marriage didn’t work and we got divorced so just saying this will not give any closure will it ?

Please help!

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 06/02/2022 21:19

I'm a bit confused. I assume from what you've said that they know your DH is not their biological father? So you're asking if you should tell them that their dad was abusive? Or just more about him in general?

Stompythedinosaur · 06/02/2022 21:20

You should never have let a situation come about where they thought their stepdad was their biological dad! It's much better to talk openly about it.

Really tricky situation if you've let them believe this into their teens - I would certainly tell them and not ignore the problem though. They have a right to know, and you don't have the right to hide this from them.

Youdoyoutoday · 06/02/2022 21:48

So your 14 year old is playing up and you think the way to deal with that is by dropping this emotional bomb?? I'm not sure how you've connected those dots to be honest.

NigellaAwesome · 06/02/2022 22:17

@Youdoyoutoday

So your 14 year old is playing up and you think the way to deal with that is by dropping this emotional bomb?? I'm not sure how you've connected those dots to be honest.
Agree. Why would you start discussing this now? Do they know about their Dad but have just never asked, or do they think their step father is their Dad?
Original poster
AlwaysOnTheGo1417 · 06/02/2022 22:21

Sorry they know step dad is not their biological father but they don’t ask about the biological father.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysOnTheGo1417 · 06/02/2022 22:25

I mean I feel may be this is somewhere deep down in their head, they need this closure of what happened why their biological father walked away, why he is not in touch. I’m not very articulate and perhaps not explaining properly but what I am trying to figure out is when is the right age to tell them everything? Is 14 too soon ? Like I said relationship was abusive, he walked away and didn’t want to keep in touch with children. In fact I begged him to have a relationship with chicken but he wanted didn’t want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysOnTheGo1417 · 06/02/2022 22:29

Above should say children not chicken

OP posts:
Fuuuuuckit · 06/02/2022 22:33

If they've not asked, no need to tell, yet. Especially if the 14yo is being a bit challenging.

Make sure that the door is open if they do ask, good idea to have a think about an age-appropriate history to share.

No, they don't need to know the ins and outs of your relationship with him.

Starlightstarbright1 · 06/02/2022 22:38

My child knows a lot because he has asked a lot..
You can answer as they ask ( age appropriately) but no need to upset the 14. 14 year olds are challenging.

cuno · 06/02/2022 22:38

I don't think 14 is too young but at the same time you don't need to overload them with info and get into the nitty gritty of it right now. I suppose it's best to be prepared to talk about it in an age appropriate way if either of them ask questions about their bio dad, so you need to think it over and consider how you would answer certain questions. But I wouldn't approach them with the info right now.

Wizzbangfizz · 06/02/2022 22:39

This is tricky and I've experienced a similar situation from the childrens point of view. From my own experience I felt that I couldn't ask, so maybe the solution is to ask them if they have any questions, they don't have to give you them right away but the door is always open to ask. At a similar age I had hero fantasies about my missing parent - I couldn't have been further off mark Sad

Midlifemusings · 06/02/2022 22:40

If he comes up at some point in conversation, let them know that if they ever have questions, to feel free to ask.

No need to sit them down and give them the story if they aren't asking about it.

WorriedGiraffe · 06/02/2022 22:43

If they arnt asking, and your daughter is already struggling, why would you rub it in that her biological dad abused her mum and didn’t want her despite being begged to stay in contact? It’s clearly not going to help. If it crops up maybe gently let them no they are welcome to ask about him, that way if she is wondering she can ask, but otherwise wait until they ask.

Woobeedoo · 06/02/2022 22:49

Speaking as a fully grown adult who’s own mother unloaded a bombshell of grief on me in September last year (utterly horrific details about my childhood and my father), it’s a definite NO from me.

The hurt my mother has caused me by telling me things I didn’t wish to know and had no desire to know has resulted in terrifying nightmares, suppressed memories coming forward and it’s basically made me realise why I’ve not felt connected to, wanted and constantly overlooked by my family my whole life. We’d never had a great relationship but she’s totally sledgehammered the little connection we had and we will never be the same again and she knows that too.

Original poster
AlwaysOnTheGo1417 · 06/02/2022 22:50

I feel she’s curious, she asked a year ago when my dad was ill and she knew I was very upset, she said when you’re ready I would like to know what happened in your first marriage.

Whole year has been a nightmare in the sense she is very challenging with lots of issues and I have asked a few times if she wants to know and her answer is no.

Also, all the history is not great, I just don’t know how to make it age appropriate.

OP posts:
WorriedGiraffe · 06/02/2022 22:51

So she’s already told you she doesn’t want to no right now? If I’ve read that right then that’s your answer isn’t it.

Original poster
AlwaysOnTheGo1417 · 06/02/2022 22:52

And yes part of me thinks the same that why give her sense of rejection when she’s struggling as it is. But then a friend told me that DD needs this closure, it may get worse before it gets better but she needs to know.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 06/02/2022 22:56

@AlwaysOnTheGo1417

I mean I feel may be this is somewhere deep down in their head, they need this closure of what happened why their biological father walked away, why he is not in touch. I’m not very articulate and perhaps not explaining properly but what I am trying to figure out is when is the right age to tell them everything? Is 14 too soon ? Like I said relationship was abusive, he walked away and didn’t want to keep in touch with children. In fact I begged him to have a relationship with chicken but he wanted didn’t want to.
Be very careful here. Children really do t want to know the details of their parents break up, it’s very difficult for them to get their head around it, especially if it’s particularly bad. As a teacher, I’ve seen children become very affected by the things their parents tell them in their parent’s desire to be honest. What would it serve for you to tell your children that their dad was awful? Very little in the way of positivity I think. Obviously there are occasions where it might be the best thing to do - eg if a parent is in prison and the child wants to see them, but generally let sleeping dogs lie. I am currently supporting a young girl who’s father is in prison for physical abuse against her as a baby. Her mother constantly talks about what an awful father he was. The girl is repeatedly traumatised every time her mother talks about it.
ifoundthebread · 06/02/2022 22:59

My bio father was abusive and my mother asked me a couple of times if there was anything I wanted to ask/know and I'd always say no because I was put on the spot and knew it wasn't something she really wanted to talk about. Maybe write her a letter or text, explaining you know she may be curious and you are happy to discuss anything and everything via any channel, I think if I had chance to make notes on what I wanted to know I'd of asked.

Soontobe60 · 06/02/2022 22:59

@AlwaysOnTheGo1417

I mean I feel may be this is somewhere deep down in their head, they need this closure of what happened why their biological father walked away, why he is not in touch. I’m not very articulate and perhaps not explaining properly but what I am trying to figure out is when is the right age to tell them everything? Is 14 too soon ? Like I said relationship was abusive, he walked away and didn’t want to keep in touch with children. In fact I begged him to have a relationship with chicken but he wanted didn’t want to.
What do you think will happen if you tell your daughter this? Just tell her he left, and you don’t know why he’s never been touch.
Original poster
AlwaysOnTheGo1417 · 06/02/2022 23:04

You’re very right Soontobe and thank you for your helpful reply. I have not told them anything until now because of the impact it may have on them.

I think it’s best that I just reinforce the fact that they can come n talk to me if they have any questions and then just take it from there when they do. It’s hard because how much can I sugar coat and keeping it generic will not help, she would want to know more why this why that.

One of the reasons I ask is because the consultant she’s seeing mentioned that sometimes the face value of things /issues doesn’t make sense but this could be troubling her deep down.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysOnTheGo1417 · 06/02/2022 23:07

Is this it IFound, I feel she says no because she knows it will open up my wounds and although she has been challenging, I know she loves me dearly.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysOnTheGo1417 · 06/02/2022 23:09

I meant this is it “IFound”

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 23:14

Gosh I’d be very wary of explaining to your 14 year old that her dad didn’t want a relationship with her. It’s huge at that age, they simply don’t have the capacity to de-personalise it. I’d start dripping it in very gently when she says she’s ready. Your friend is probably right that your daughter has twigged something was really wrong, else where is her dad? But your daughter is also likely protecting herself from the storm she knows is coming by saying she doesn’t want to know. Don’t let your friend push you into making the mistake of treating your teen like an adult.

In the meantime, remember most teens are challenging, and focus on what’s good - you’ve got them a happy family set up with a father so you and he have done a pretty great job.

Antst · 06/02/2022 23:17

@AlwaysOnTheGo1417, I think most kids are curious but at the same time, they can't handle gory detail. I hate the term, "age-appropriate" but think it applies here. Comments like:

"We did not have a healthy relationship" and if pressed, "I didn't feel safe" communicate that there were problems but won't dump anything on the kids that they're not mature enough to deal with. If I were you, I'd prepare some so you can handle questions as they arise.

When I was 14, I was old enough to be curious and conscious that there were deep, dark secrets in the family. I went digging for information because no one would tell me, and I was disturbed by what I found out.

What I'd do would be to make it clearwithout constantly pushing itthat kids are curious about their families and you're there to help them find out what they need to know. Don't hint that there are dark secrets. They'll ask more when they're ready as adults and you can then let them know that you weren't happy with the biological dad because he could get violent. I wouldn't get any more detailed than that. I felt ashamed when I found out some of the things my father did. Good luck.