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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No direct Wedding Invite for husband

54 replies

Aitanacama · 06/02/2022 21:04

Just wondering about wedding invite etiquette …my brother is getting married in June, he has invited me and my family (hubby and two kids) we live abroad (Europe) so not far. Yesterday was discussing with hubby the logistics and he basically threw a major tantrum and said if my brother didn’t invite him directly as in call him personally about the wedding, then he isn’t going and neither are the kids. That basically it’s rude that my brother hasn’t spoken to him directly and expects him to buy tickets and fly over. Am I missing something ? Because I think it’s pretty ridiculous, since he is invited by both my sis in law and brother, they have made plans for four of us, does he actually need to be told personally? For a little back story, my brother and husband don’t talk much, just polite, there’s literally a 20 year age gap so they don’t have much in common, and my brother is pretty anti-social. We live abroad the interaction is limited to when he or we visit, which we haven’t in the last two years. Tell me because I’m seething and ready to curse my husband all the way out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aitanacama · 06/02/2022 21:50

I mean he isn’t British but he isn’t daft either @Neolara that should be common sense. Also what has annoyed me more is the fact he tried to say that I can take our kids, as if he can dictate that.

OP posts:

MrsBaublesDylan · 06/02/2022 21:54

I'm betting this isn't an isolated incident of self-important behaviour from your dh op?

He clearly sees himself as King of Everything.

Is he much older than you too? I have seen relationships where men go for younger women because then they get to be 'teacher' 'guide' 'experienced'. As the relationship progresses and the younger woman grows less impressed by his 'vast experience', the man needs to find new ways to assert his ego.

Original poster

Aitanacama · 06/02/2022 21:57

He is 12 years older @MrsBaublesDylan

OP posts:

KateMcCallister · 06/02/2022 22:14

Go, take the kids and leave your childish af DH behind.

NigellaAwesome · 06/02/2022 22:15

I wouldn't even bother having it out with him. That's what he wants. Cut the drama and say nothing. Just go ahead and book tickets for you and dc. When booking just ask your DH if he's sure he doesn't want to come, and then leave it.

saraclara · 06/02/2022 22:22

Make sure that you have the kids' passports in your possession before you tell him they're going. I wouldn't put it past him to hide then.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 22:34

Of course he’s being batshit.

Does he normally behave as if it’s 1805 and you’re his property? I’m a bit concerned..

whenwilliwillibefamous · 06/02/2022 22:50

How odd!
OP, has your DH got a friend who could tactfully talk him round? (Or does he have form for being batshit - sorry! - & has driven his friends away?!)

Lottie2shoes · 06/02/2022 23:29

I think someone touched upon the fact that he is not British.
While I do not agree with this, in some cultures, it is seen as rude not to get a direct invite.
If you are British and he isn't, then maybe its just a culture clash. Try to explain that this is not a thing that is done here.

user1488622199 · 06/02/2022 23:41

Did he issue your brother with a direct invitation to your wedding I wonder?

Thewindwhispers · 06/02/2022 23:52

Is there a cultural issue here? In England the bride and groom do not phone round the relatives issuing personal invitations!! They just don’t!

Tell your DP that this ain’t about him and to stop being a toddler.

Original poster

Aitanacama · 07/02/2022 00:36

It’s definitely a cultural issue, because I just spoke to him again about it and he was harping on about it’s not the way things are done, and I’m like by who ? In the end I have told him I will be going with the kids, and he’s free to come, he has said he’s definitely not coming since he hasn’t been invited.

OP posts:

saraclara · 07/02/2022 00:39

@Aitanacama

Enjoy your break away from him.

mantlepiece · 07/02/2022 01:03

Ha, sounds very Greek to me!

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/02/2022 06:19

Even if its normal in his culture I am amazed he cannot just understand wjats normal in British culture and accept it.

To be honest it sounds more based in dislike of your DB and if he is going to be difficult and cause a scene /try to take offense at every perceived slight and have a face on him it's maybe best he stays home.

It may be nice to combine the wedding with a day trip or two out with your parents so they can have some quality time with the grandkids.

Marmm · 07/02/2022 06:23

I think he doesnt want to go

Ikeptgoing · 07/02/2022 06:58

Tell your DH he is being disrespectful to your DBros (& your) U.K. culture. That what he demands is not normal and his behaviour is insulting right now, as wedding couple do not ring round guests personally. There is a general informal hint at the date passed on by anyone in the family then a formal invite which is written not long before wedding and replies must be written. DH is also insulting you by speaking to you in this way.

So your DH can respect your culture or not but it isn't about DHs culture as the wedding isn't in his country

Also as parent you decide whether your DCs go too and no reasonable parent would attempt to deprive DCs of joining in such an big family event for their own spite and ego.

Jenny70 · 07/02/2022 07:01

Do you have other siblings? Would he expect your brother to call and personally invite a sister-in-law (a brother's wife)? Or is it a man-to-man issue?

Maybe ask your parents if both have been formally invited by brother, or have dates been checked, general conversations had... what your family is doing is completely normal. Your DH is having an odd reaction to a completely normal way of conducting family invitations.

UniversalAunt · 07/02/2022 07:01

I see your DH’s point.

I assume that he expects a stiffy addressed to you both & your children. This is how things are done.

Yes, people share the date informally or even send out ‘save the date’ stuff, but it is usual & polite to send an invitation naming all those invited, so that everyone knows who is going & where to be on time. Of course the RSVP by the guests is sent back to completes the circle. This is about mutual respect.

Many a MN thread tells of the significant expense incurred by guests to tog up, travel & stay nearby before even handing over a wedding present. Likewise a wedding these days is a measure of organisation & spend that Cecil B deMille would gawp at, & the Bride & Groom are laying out significant spends way up front on the promise of a good time to be had by all. So the etiquette & manners around invitations make sense.

So apart from the perceived or implied snub or disrespect, what is it that is really chewing your DH’s rug?

If a golden embossed invitation with his name Mr @Aitanacama hand written by B& G were arrive tomorrow, would his wound be healed ?

Does the invisible or not yet delivered invitation proxy for another form of uncertainty in his life?

Because unless your DB is a massive everyday thorn in his side, why is your DH bothered so much, why this & why now?

Youonlyhaveonelife · 07/02/2022 07:07

It is cultural. A relative of my husbands messaged me on email re her wedding. We emailed fairly regularly at the time as she was applying for English courses. My husband also said he wasn’t interested as she hadn’t contacted him. Covid struck so none of us went. I do think there’s little point when it’s cultural in not just compromising for a peaceful life. Very sad to fall out over a wedding. I’d just ask my brother to call him. There are far bigger issues and compromises in a marriage of different cultures in my experience.

UniversalAunt · 07/02/2022 07:15

So is the taking the kids to the wedding - which is only right & will be fun - about his having concerns about their safety travelling etc or more about his control over his life & by extension theirs?

Is it about anxieties or pride morphing into control?

The past two years have blown certainties apart & many usually breezy robust folk are experiencing degrees of anxiety & loss, either real or existential, that is both new & destabilising. I would take the time to explore why your DH is withdrawing a family event. Has he form for dragging his heels when seeing your family or travelling longer distance away from home?

Book him tickets to travel with you anyway. As you say it’s not too much ££ if there is no refund.. If he comes round to joining in, it won’t help if he has to travel separately.

Original poster

Aitanacama · 07/02/2022 07:56

I mean no one has been formally invited wedding is still five months away. My brother was just making arrangements with me to ensure I could get the time off work, because we live abroad, my husband runs his own business so that is not an issue for him. What has peeved me off is the fact he thought he could try and stop me taking the kids, I mean that’s ridiculous even if it is a “cultural misunderstanding” and come to think I have never received formal invitations from anyone on his side, I always assume I was invited. I might just now start kicking up a fuss if I don’t receive formal invitations going forward.

OP posts:

Crowdfundingforcake · 07/02/2022 08:11

Think I'd be reminding him of your lack of formal invitations from his side of the family and tell him if this is how it's supposed to be done you'll be expecting a phone call at least every time there's a family occasion going forward, and would really like as many retrospective formal invitations as possible - he'd better start calling round his relatives to let them know.

Then everyone on both sides of the family will think he's a test.

Zonder · 07/02/2022 08:16

Could you explain to him how weddings in Britain tend to happen, how the invites work (maybe won't come til 6 weeks before and will be to all of you) and that he's getting angry over nothing?

Aderyn21 · 07/02/2022 08:30

Might be time to move home permanently if you are married to the kind of arse who thinks he can tell you where you can take your own children!
The wedding is in the UK - of course our cultural norms are going to be followed. There's a huge level of arrogance from your husband in assuming that your brother should adhere to his cultural norms.
Frankly I'd be worried that if you split he'd try to block you leaving the country with the kids.

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