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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I wasn't invited... AIBU?

44 replies

Frenchiegrease · 06/02/2022 12:41

I've been with BF for a year, we've both got DC from previous relationships. We haven't met one another's DC yet, mainly because I want to know we are in a committed relationship. For my future, I'd like to move in together, get married, have more DC... BF isn't sure about those things just yet, so having made the mistake before with a previous partner, I don't want to take the risk of introducing another BF to my DC. To preface, it is starting to upset me that we can't do things together / plan for the future / our time is restricted because our DC haven't met one another... but I've agreed to give it a little more time. I love BF and we are very compatible, the though of splitting up fills me with dread.

I want to emphasise that up until this point, I've always felt very much a priority to him. He is a wonderful partner is lots of ways. He surprises me with gifts, we see each other most days, we are always laughing and having fun. We've not had an 'argument' in our whole relationship.

On Friday night, he went out with some friends for a birthday party. I was under the impression it was a boys night hence not being invited... until this morning he told me that everyone had their GFs/wives/partners there. I asked him why he didn't invite me, and he said that 'we both had the DC that weekend so he didn't think it was possible'... however, he found a babysitter for his and I've always been able to arrange childcare. He didn't invite me or ask if I might be able to find a sitter? It would have been possible for me to come without involving our DC, and I know, had it been the other way round, I would've made it work so he could come. He did say when I asked why I wasn't invited that he wished I was there.

AIBU to be upset about this? I'm starting to get upset about the fact our DC haven't met after a year preventing us from moving forward, he's also being vague about committing, and now coupled with the fact he didn't invite me to this event when he has always invited me in the past to everything Sad

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 06/02/2022 12:46

I'd be quite upset too. He doesn't seem to be as much into you as you are to him. I think I'd want to rethink this relationship. Talk it over with him. Is he waiting for something better to come along?

Redlorryyellowduck · 06/02/2022 12:47

After a year he should be able to say if he sees a future with you or not. That's much more of an issue than not going to a party IMO.

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2022 12:50

I think he thinks this is a much more casual relationship than you do

WorriedGiraffe · 06/02/2022 12:52

YABU, he’s made it clear it isn’t ready to commit to you yet, it’s upsetting but you are more into him than he is to you, so it makes sense he doesn’t invite you to everything to be honest.

Clymene · 06/02/2022 12:53

If he isn't sure after a year, you're on a hiding to nothing. He's hoping you'll dump him

Neveranynamesleft · 06/02/2022 12:53

Time for a talk and cards to be put on the table.

TheDangerOfIgnorance · 06/02/2022 12:54

I feel after reading this that to him you are ms right now not ms right. He gets the benefits of a relationship without the reality of blending families. It's very convenient, easy to segment and demonstrates no commitment moving forwards. Sorry OP, I would not be comfortable in this relationship. It's time to meet DCs and start blending or time to move on

ChargingBuck · 06/02/2022 12:55

I love BF and we are very compatible
Sadly, you're not.
You want to cohabit, get married, have more DC together.
He does not.
You want to be part of his friends & family circle.
He does not want you there.

He did say when I asked why I wasn't invited that he wished I was there.
He's said quite a lot of things that don't match his actions though.
He said enough about this event to give you the impression it was boys only.
He said he'd decided you couldn't go because DC - despite not asking you, & knowing you could get a babysitter.
He says vague things about commitment, but doesn't commit.

It sounds like he's stringing you along.
He says just enough to keep you hanging in there, but is giving you a lot of low-level bullshit.
Not sure where you go from here OP - if you seriously want marriage & more DC, it seems unlikely you will get it with him.
It's not the lack of commitment that would bother me so much as the bullshit about it.

I'm sorry about how hurtful it must have been to find out about this event & how he deliberately misled & excluded you. But is there at least some comfort in getting a clearer picture of what he is prepared to offer you now? So that you can make the best decisions for your own future?
Flowers

3peassuit · 06/02/2022 12:55

I think if he doesn’t feel committed after a year, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.

CyberNan · 06/02/2022 12:55

don't prioritise someone who only makes you an option.

after a year, he should know whether he wants to be with you or not... did he take someone else?

Notimeforaname · 06/02/2022 12:55

I woukdnt waste my time with him. He didn't want you on the night out.

Pumperthepumper · 06/02/2022 12:56

It’s really weird you’ve never had an argument. It sounds like he’s keeping you sweet.

Marmm · 06/02/2022 13:01

After a year he should know by now. He doesn't have to full on propose but he knows if it's serious or not. Sounds like he sees you as a bit of fun tbh sorry.

TooWicked · 06/02/2022 13:04

Apart from his children, have you met any of his family or friends?

Lollypop701 · 06/02/2022 13:05

If he isn’t committed after a year he never will be. Sorry op

icelollycraving · 06/02/2022 13:09

I think it’s wise you haven’t introduced him tbh. You seem to want different relationships going forward. Prioritise what you want.

Original poster
Frenchiegrease · 06/02/2022 13:10

@TooWicked

I've met all of his family and friends, several times. We've got events planned in the future with his family and friends. He's invited me before when its just been a 'boys' thing! He's never excluded me, which is why this feels weird and upsetting.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 13:16

He's not as into this as you are.
You know whether you want a relationship with somebody after a year regardless of the party or lack of.

christmaskittenincoming · 06/02/2022 13:21

I don't actually think this is too big an issue, he didn't want to interrupt your contact time with your children to go out with his friends... this happens, you won't be able to attend everything with each other due to your commitments as a mother.

TooWicked · 06/02/2022 13:24

I think around a year in you know whether you see a real future. It seems to me he’s stringing you along, giving you just enough to keep you hanging on but keeping an element of separation.

You say you’ve agreed to give it a little more time, how much time have you agreed?

I personally wouldn’t give it more than another 3 months, completely stop talking about future plans, stop talking about the children meeting up, and if he hasn’t actively suggested it in 3 months time, end the relationship.

Georgeskitchen · 06/02/2022 13:49

Maybe he isn't quite as single as he say he is?

Heronwatcher · 06/02/2022 14:03

I don’t think he’s committed to you sadly or at least he’s giving that impression. I think it might be the time to cut your losses and move on- if you separate for a while maybe it will clarify his feelings for you.

FlasherMcGruff · 06/02/2022 14:10

I think if you’ve met all of that group of friends before then it’s obviously not that he’s reluctant to invite you to meet his friends, and more that he just wanted to see them on his own. He’s deliberately not given you an opportunity to come though - his reason is flimsy and just an excuse imo - so I think you do need to get to to the bottom of why. Would it affect the dynamic for him? Is the whole group made of friends and their partners from before he met you? If so, he might just enjoy seeing them alone.

Do you still feel he’s invested in things and is not starting to check out?

shoofly · 06/02/2022 14:13

He sees you as less of a priority than you do him. Or more unkindly (sorry) he's not that into you

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 14:31

Yep, I am all for giving it time, but after a year you’d want to at least have a schedule for meeting kids.

Seeing as you’ve met his friends, there could be an explanation for the party. Give it a while to settle and then ask him.

Generally I’d say it’s time to call it - a six months tops schedule for meeting kids.

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