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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I wasn't invited... AIBU?

44 replies

Frenchiegrease · 06/02/2022 12:41

I've been with BF for a year, we've both got DC from previous relationships. We haven't met one another's DC yet, mainly because I want to know we are in a committed relationship. For my future, I'd like to move in together, get married, have more DC... BF isn't sure about those things just yet, so having made the mistake before with a previous partner, I don't want to take the risk of introducing another BF to my DC. To preface, it is starting to upset me that we can't do things together / plan for the future / our time is restricted because our DC haven't met one another... but I've agreed to give it a little more time. I love BF and we are very compatible, the though of splitting up fills me with dread.

I want to emphasise that up until this point, I've always felt very much a priority to him. He is a wonderful partner is lots of ways. He surprises me with gifts, we see each other most days, we are always laughing and having fun. We've not had an 'argument' in our whole relationship.

On Friday night, he went out with some friends for a birthday party. I was under the impression it was a boys night hence not being invited... until this morning he told me that everyone had their GFs/wives/partners there. I asked him why he didn't invite me, and he said that 'we both had the DC that weekend so he didn't think it was possible'... however, he found a babysitter for his and I've always been able to arrange childcare. He didn't invite me or ask if I might be able to find a sitter? It would have been possible for me to come without involving our DC, and I know, had it been the other way round, I would've made it work so he could come. He did say when I asked why I wasn't invited that he wished I was there.

AIBU to be upset about this? I'm starting to get upset about the fact our DC haven't met after a year preventing us from moving forward, he's also being vague about committing, and now coupled with the fact he didn't invite me to this event when he has always invited me in the past to everything

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 06/02/2022 14:39

I think he did want you there (hence him saying he wished you were there), but planned it badly and was thoughtless. He thought you would be unavailable due to kids, but he should have at least invited you. I think he’s probably kicking himself now.

Not that it makes it all ok. He needs to communicate better.

Phoebesgift · 06/02/2022 14:50

He's maybe going off you.

Teeturtle · 06/02/2022 14:53

[quote Frenchiegrease]@TooWicked

I've met all of his family and friends, several times. We've got events planned in the future with his family and friends. He's invited me before when its just been a 'boys' thing! He's never excluded me, which is why this feels weird and upsetting.[/quote]
So if you are convinced there is no wider issue then just let it go, for whatever reason he thought it wasn’t appropriate this time.

User310 · 06/02/2022 14:59

He sounds like he would like to keep things more casual. It’s not always a reflection of how he feels for you but rather what he needs and wants in life at this time.

I know 100% if my DH and I split that I would not want to move on into a fully committed relationship again. Hypothetically, I’d want a partner for when my children were with their dad and I would keep the two separate. I would however make this clear from the beginning and would completely understand if the person didn’t want this.

poetryandwine · 06/02/2022 16:00

Hi, OP -

If you had not met his family and friends I would definitely agree with the consensus. If you do things with them fairly regularly this could be a one off. But I don’t like it either.

In other threads posters sometimes feel that waiting a year to meet the DC is quite reasonable. Probably not much longer, though. If you trust that you are both exclusive, taking a couple of years before blending households, a huge steps for the DCs, much less considering marriage, is again only reasonable. You owe it to your children to get this right.

So this is tricky. I think you need to pay more attention to his behaviour and possibly less attention to his words going forward

stripeyflowers · 06/02/2022 16:21

Sorry, OP, you do deserve better.

Original poster

Frenchiegrease · 06/02/2022 16:29

Thanks for all of your perspectives, it helps a lot.

My not being invited is very out of character. I think it was probably just him being thoughtless, but I am upset, even with him saying he wished I was there... he could have texted me at the time and invited me, or texted me at the time saying he wished I was there... I just feel like a bit of an after thought. But it is very much a one off. I think it is because it is coupled with his non-committal actions towards our relationship. After a year he should really know whether he wants to be with me seriously or not, introduce our children and be together properly or not. My DC are at the forefront of my mind which is why I haven't introduced them to current boyfriend, I've made that mistake and won't let it happen again. But at the same time, I can't just wait months and months, years and years to find out whether a relationship is going anywhere or not. It's been a year already.

OP posts:

TrufflesAndToast · 06/02/2022 16:34

Well done for keeping him apart from your kids. It’s extremely refreshing to read about someone putting their children’s well-being first and not trying to railroad some kind of blended family situation that isn’t happening naturally. You’re an amazing mum and I hope you find your happy ending although I don’t think it’s going to be with this man I’m afraid. If he’s not sure after a year then toss him back and find someone who is.

SartresSoul · 06/02/2022 16:38

I think you both need to have a long serious chat about the future and figure out if you’re both on the same page. Sounds like you’re willing to commit to him more than he is to you.

Original poster

Frenchiegrease · 06/02/2022 16:51

@TrufflesAndToast

Thank you, that means a lot to me.

OP posts:

HootOwl · 07/02/2022 02:04

OP I think some of the comments here are odd. "He's nit into you" or "he's not committed" just because he went out with his friends without you? Or doesn't want to "blend" families? All this stuff about "progressing the relationship" which assumes that the only way to do that is to blend your families and live together?

There are plenty of women on these boards who have no desire to cohabit or "blend" families but have new relationships outside of that. Committed relationships. It's totally valid if he doesn't want to move in together/ get married/ blend families. It doesn't mean he is not committed to you. Nor does him seeing his friends on his own.

Have you spoken to him honestly about this stuff, what he wants long term? Your posts seem to imply that for the relationship to "progress" you must move in together etc. Not everybody wants that, including many women.

He may be taking you for a ride, or he may be very happy with you as things are and not feel you have to live together etc, or even want that. Have you had an open conversation about this? I presume you did this near the start when you met him? If you did and he's now changed his mind he should have told you that obviously. What has he said about it all?

HootOwl · 07/02/2022 02:05

Also many PP saying a relationship is "casual" if you're not planning to move in together or go to every social event together. 🧐😂 It all seems very controlling and desperate to fit into a specific mould.

JumperJump · 07/02/2022 02:15

Maybe it was initially going to be a boys night out then it changed. Maybe he just wanted to see them without you, which is ok too. Peop,e in relationships don’t have to do everything together.

Also how can your bf decide if he wants marriage and kids with you when he hasn’t even met your kids? He might not get in with them so keeping them apart until he can “commit “ is a bit pointless.

LimeSegment · 07/02/2022 02:46

I'm the biggest fan of going out without my dp, in fact I far prefer it. But yes I'd feel a bit sad about this.

Its understandable if it's a group of friends, some of whom are dating each other. Or if someone brought a date unexpectedly. But if it's his friends and he's told them "invite your partners, dates and friends!". Then on the night they are asking "where's Frenchie?". And he's either saying he never invited you, or lying and saying you couldn't make it. That feels a bit weird.

Momijin · 07/02/2022 03:17

Isn't it because he respects your time with your kids? Do you have shared custody?

girlmom21 · 07/02/2022 07:29

@HootOwl you're misunderstanding. People are saying he's not as committed as her because she's told him what she wants from a relationship and a year in he's still saying he doesn't know what he wants in terms of any kind of commitment. After a year, you know.
If he wants to carry on as they are he should say so then at least OP knows where she stands.

As it is, she wants marriage, kids etc and he's just dragging her along with no idea of whether he'll commit in the way she wants or not.

It's fine if both parties aren't bothered but she is.

HootOwl · 07/02/2022 18:35

[quote girlmom21]@HootOwl you're misunderstanding. People are saying he's not as committed as her because she's told him what she wants from a relationship and a year in he's still saying he doesn't know what he wants in terms of any kind of commitment. After a year, you know.
If he wants to carry on as they are he should say so then at least OP knows where she stands.

As it is, she wants marriage, kids etc and he's just dragging her along with no idea of whether he'll commit in the way she wants or not.

It's fine if both parties aren't bothered but she is. [/quote]
I think it's a bit much to be expecting someone to commit to marriage and kids and living together a year into a relationship! It's not commitment-phobic to want a relationship to develop naturally and see where it goes before planning a future like that. It's a lot to demand from someone a year in, you barely know somebody after a year!!

HootOwl · 07/02/2022 18:42

What I mean is, his "I don't know yet" response about all of that after a year seems totally normal and reasonable! It's an odd conversation to be having at all after a year of dating and I wouldn't blame him if it made him uncomfortable!

Presumably if he absolutely didn't want those things he'd have said so. So his response seems like one from someone who is enjoying the getting to know you part at the start of a relationship and thinks it has potential, and is maybe open to another marriage/ more kids/ living together later on if the relationship develops that way, but obviously one year into it how could he know if it will or not? It's still so early on.

HootOwl · 07/02/2022 18:46

Near the beginning of dating I expect OP and her OH discussed whether they'd potentially want another marriage or kids one day, so presumably she knows they are on the same page that they are both open to the idea in the right situation? But after just a year, expecting to then talk about "progressing" the relationship to that point seems a bit weird.

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