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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dog owners should be considerate when bringing their dogs to family events

52 replies

curiousgop · 06/02/2022 10:37

I have a DS who is 3. We have no dogs but DS has been exposed to friends' dogs with careful supervision and is generally happy around them.

DPs sister (P) has a 7 month old puppy who is very very hyperactive, very interested in DS, probably because he's the only child he's met before.

P doesn't live at DPIL anymore, but is generally there approx 4 times a week (stops by after work 3x week without fail and usually round once at the weekend). Generally takes the puppy with her on the non working day.

We are suitably close with DPIL, and usually see them once every 2-3 weeks. They prefer us to go there as more space, and we're happy as get a nice cooked meal.

Often when we go to DPIL, P will come over to see us as well, which is generally fine as we get on well. However, it's become really stressful and hard work as now every time we go to see DPIL, P comes with the puppy who is literally all over DS. DS finds it upsetting being jumped up repeatedly, harassed when chilling out on the sofa etc. We are constantly (politely) getting the dog away from her. P does make some efforts, but I would say not enough. But I do acknowledge that a puppy is a puppy and will act like a puppy. P wouldn't, for example, put the puppy on another room or anything like that.

A few weeks ago, DH spoke to DPIL and said it would be nice to see them just us and them, as it would be good for DS to be able to relax (and to be honest, for us to relax). It appears to have fallen on deaf ears though as we are seeing them for the first time today in 7 weeks (all had covid in succession) and P is coming with the puppy.

DPIL seemingly don't want to rock the boat and say anything to P, and we don't feel able to ask her not to come to her own mums house. It's just annoying as she sees DPIL 4x a week, and we haven't seen them in 7 weeks. Would have been nice to be able to relax and not guard DS from being jumped on.

P thinks that the puppy is hyper but 'wouldn't hurt a fly'. Unfortunately I've seen 'wouldn't hurt a fly' dogs hurt people in the past so am of the view you can never truly trust a dog, especially with children.

So;

YABU: The dog is family and should be welcome at all family events.

YANBU: Its reasonable that on some occasions P either makes other arrangements for dog or doesn't come, as DS and us should be allowed some RELAXED quality time with DPIL.

Or something else? Talk to P about taking more responsibility for dog at meet ups? Invite DPIL here instead so we can have say over who comes (our place is a lot smaller but might have to start doing this)?

(A slightly separate AIBU but why does P always have to go when we go? She's there all the time, does DP not get any time with his DP without her?)

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgop · 06/02/2022 11:18

@JemimaTiggywinkle

I agree with you completely, I wouldn’t want a puppy jumping all over my child. Is there a reason DP hasn’t talked to his sister about it?
Because she thinks the puppy is her baby, and has made reference to it being part of the family, so it would cause a big upset. Which we're keen to avoid. She would see her dog being excluded like a child being excluded.

But perhaps it's time.

OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 06/02/2022 11:21

Because she thinks the puppy is her baby, and has made reference to it being part of the family, so it would cause a big upset. Which we're keen to avoid. She would see her dog being excluded like a child being excluded.

That's a huge cop-out. Just speak to her, even if it's to discuss visiting separately for the foreseeable. It's not like it's forever.

changewwible · 06/02/2022 11:22

Invite them to dinner at yours then. Specify no dogs in your house.

Original poster
curiousgop · 06/02/2022 11:24

@changewwible

Invite them to dinner at yours then. Specify no dogs in your house.
But they know that my friends (calm) dogs have come to ours Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgop · 06/02/2022 11:27

Thanks for all the replies. Really helpful to see different perspectives on this.

I guess one reason we haven't address this with P is that this is just one issue of many we have had with her over the last year, many of which we have had to address head on, and we're worried it's starting to look like a witch hunt of us against her. Not going to get into all of that here but this thread is helping me see that this issue is big enough to be worth talking head on about it. Thanks.

OP posts:
Treecreature · 06/02/2022 11:28

Discipline her dog and make a show of it. Hopefully she'll be mortified into sorting it out herself. Staffies are lush but little balls of sturdy muscle, not really something you want bouncing off you.

pilates · 06/02/2022 11:31

I think your DH needs to speak to his sister explaining that it’s upsetting your son and can we work together to stop this from happening. It would be nice in the future if your son could have a relationship with the dog (once it’s been properly trained).

Just10moreminutesplease · 06/02/2022 11:35

@itwasntaparty

Totally excessive contact IMO between all of you but yes, ddog should be there but needs to learn to behave.
It’s so sad that you think seeing family once every 2-3 weeks is excessive.

OP in your shoes I’d make it annoying for your SIL. Every time the dog is all over DS, tell her he doesn’t like it and ask her to get him away. Obviously you need to be there to keep your DS safe, but don’t solve the problem for her. She’ll soon get tired of jumping up every two minutes.

BlueAbacus · 06/02/2022 11:35

YANBU We have a dog and my niece is cautious around dogs (and rightly so, I don’t even like big dogs myself!)- when we visit them we make arrangements for our dog so DNiece isn’t uncomfortable. And when they visit here we make sure dog is behind baby gate if required.
Separately, the puppy should be trained not to jump!

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2022 11:43

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Dd was bitten on the face as a baby by people, who thought their dog was their baby. Luckily the damage was minimal but it has left a tiny scar. One of them was supposedly holding the dog but didn’t bother properly. They still expected us to be ok to be around the dog after that and they and other family bullied us over our unreasonableness.

No way on earth would I trust a young staffy around such a young child. They are balls of energy and incredibly strong, thus could cause serious damage even if the most friendly of dogs.

TabithaTiger · 06/02/2022 11:43

SiL is being inconsiderate. My niece is scared of dogs so I don't take our dog to parents when we're all going to be there. I think your husband needs to have a direct conversation with his sister and spell it out to her (as kindly as possible) that the puppy bothers DS so please can she not bring him over when you're there? And be clear with parents in law that you won't be able to visit while the puppy's there until he's been trained not to jump up.

It's tricky with families, and she might get the hump for a while, but I'm sure she get over it!

LakieLady · 06/02/2022 11:44

P needs to train the puppy not to jump up, or keep it on on a lead until it's learned to be more controlled around children, especially small ones.

I think it's fine to take a dog to someone's house if they're ok with it, and provided that the dog is well behaved. My dog was always welcome at the ILs, but she was no trouble. She seemed to sense if people weren't keen on dogs and stay away from them, and would actively avoid small children.

We had to stop taking her to MIL's when one wing of the family were there, because they would never tell their youngest to leave the dog alone. Even when the dog crawled under a chair to settle right in the corner of the room, the child wouldn't leave her in peace and the parents refused to ask the child to stop pestering the dog when she was trying to sleep.

It left my nerves so shredded I stopped taking her if we knew they were going to be there. MIL loved DDog, and used to make sure we knew when they weren't going to be present, and specifically ask us to take DDog.

Sally872 · 06/02/2022 11:52

If my sister I would address P directly as it happens so dh should say "P can you keep the dog off ds as he isn't comfortable with it"

If that doesn't work then tell pil you don't want to see the dog so please come to your house or go to a coffee shop/restaurant/soft play to socialise.

MulticolourTulips · 06/02/2022 11:58

I’ve never understood why people think it’s acceptable to take their dogs to other peoples house at all

Agree. I don't allow dogs in the house, and if somebody can't visit because they can't leave their dog that's fair enough.

Suzanne999 · 06/02/2022 12:08

P is being a poor dog owner. I’ve had dogs all my life, if they go to family or friends with me I expect the dog to lie down or go where it’s told, on its bed, in the garden wherever is appropriate. Dog does what I say and that goes for not jumping on kids, not running into a road, not running out through an open door etc.. A well trained dog is a safe dog.
P needs to start training her dog, kindly but firmly.

DiddyHeck · 06/02/2022 12:31

@MulticolourTulips

I’ve never understood why people think it’s acceptable to take their dogs to other peoples house at all

Agree. I don't allow dogs in the house, and if somebody can't visit because they can't leave their dog that's fair enough.

It's acceptable to take it to your mum and dad's house, who are happy for you to do so.
HunterHearstHelmsley · 06/02/2022 12:41

YANBU.

Funnily enough, a family member just brought their dog to a 1st birthday party after being explicitly told not to bring it. They were not happy with the options of the dog staying outside or her leaving with the dog.

I manage to not take my pets everywhere. God knows why some dog owners feel the need to force their pet on everyone else.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 06/02/2022 12:43

@MulticolourTulips

I’ve never understood why people think it’s acceptable to take their dogs to other peoples house at all

Agree. I don't allow dogs in the house, and if somebody can't visit because they can't leave their dog that's fair enough.

Yep.

I used to have a cat that despised dogs. I was once forced into allowing someone to bring their dog into my house. Scenes when the dog growled at the cat and she gave him a smacking and ended up with a bloody nose.

WildfirePonie · 06/02/2022 12:58

Invite them to your place. If they don't want to come, too bad.

The dog doesn't sound like it will be trained properly, so it will get worse and more of a problem when it's older and bigger.

Gizacluethen · 06/02/2022 12:59

The difficult thing is that if you make too big a deal about it in the moment you risk making DS nervous around dogs.
I think I'd start a group chat with PILs and P. Say that until puppy has calmed down or had some training then you're not going to be able visit while it's there. It's not good for DS to have a dog all over him when he's uncomfortable and will make him anxious around dogs and not good for dog to think it's OK to behave like that around a child.

I love staffys. But a staffy pup is still a strong animal compared to a 3yo. And staffys are a breed that needs higher standards of behaviour.

As nicely as possible, please don't bring puppy when we're there.

Undisclosedlocation · 06/02/2022 12:59

Yeah sorry, I just reread and see that it reads a bit like that. They have been here many times over the years, but for several reasons (including difficult parking here) it's easier for all if we go there.

Well it isn’t easier for all anymore is it? It’s much, much harder for you and more importantly your DS.
Invite them to yours and explain why. Or insist puppy is on a lead around your son (or left at home ideally obvs).
The pup absolutely should be on a lead so that it learns to behave appropriately btw. As a dog trainer, I can tell you that with absolute certainty. Left to it’s own choices, the young dog will end up a rude, pain in the arse who is a liability through no fault of its own, and then get labelled as ‘a horrid staffie’

HaveToSaySomethingHere · 06/02/2022 13:05

P probably really wants to see you, her brother and nephew. Is this the only chance she gets? Could you arrange to meet her separately every now and then or invite her over? She would probably be chuffed.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 06/02/2022 15:00

DPIL seemingly don't want to rock the boat and say anything to P

I think the issue here isn't the dog but the fact that they are more worried about upsetting P than you. Why is that?

Original poster
curiousgop · 06/02/2022 21:04

Thanks to those who weighed in.

I think PILs spoke to P today before we arrived so there was an odd atmosphere and possibly slightly better effort to stop the jumping up... but P just kept saying to my 3 year to 'tell her to get down' and I'm like ... maybe you should as it's your dog and he's a child Hmm (so we intervened on DS's behalf every time).

She left before us with the puppy and it was absolutely notable how much happier DS was and he started playing more freely rather than just wanting to cuddle us. Made me realise how much it affects him.

DP has said we will just invite DPIL to ours now and they can take it or leave it if they want to see DS. He said he would rather this than have an outright thing about it, and since it's his family I'll let him make the call there. DS will be safe and happy, until such a time the puppy calms down.

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkle · 07/02/2022 09:23

Good idea to invite PILs to your house OP.

Are you also going to make some plans to see P? Just thinking it might seem a bit pointed if PILs are invited but she never is. Assuming it would be too awkward to invite her over and ask her not to bring puppy.
Would the puppy be more manageable if you met up for a walk or something?