Is this justified or mean

[Wazza89]

Was talking to a family member and she asked me whether DH does his fair share of the housework and I answered honestly (no). She told me that when she had this issue with her DP, she stopped doing his washing, cooking for him, etc. She’d only do it for herself and their DD to teach him a lesson. She said that nowadays he helps out a lot more than he did before.

Was talking DH about his ex-girlfriend and he said that one of the reasons they split was because she would cook for herself and her child (his stepchild), but not make anything for him. She would wash their clothes, but not his. She wasn’t working, though, unlike this family member.

Is this petty and mean, or justifiable?

Before anyone refers to my previous thread, I have work lined up for the spring/summer (on a farm) and prior to being on maternity leave, I worked 50+ hours a week as a carer/support worker.

It’s also not something I think I’d do, but I’m interested in people’s views!

Justifiable.

Why would it be mean to expect an adult to contribute to housework when he also lives in the house?

Finally two women who are not doormats!

There is a lesson there OP.

Depends on why she did it. If he took he for granted or expected these things from her then I'm on her side.

If she wasn't working and was being financially supported by him, then I think it's pretty bad that she wouldn't cook or do his laundry.

I am a sahm of school age DC. Dh does very little in the house and I think it's reasonable that I do the cooking and laundry for everyone.

If we both worked full time and he didn't lift a finger in the house, I'd be pretty miffed and tempted to just look after myself and the DC.

It’s exactly the advice so often given on here!

I think a bit petty but I would (do) just make him do his share.

Fine to have a short term 'strike' on cooking and laundry for a lazy DH. In the long term it makes more sense to share - A cooks on Monday-Wednesday-Friday and B cooks on Tuesday-Thursday-Sunday or that kind of thing. If you live together for years but never cook for each other, that seems unfriendly and inefficient.

And that’s assuming both work. If he is financially supporting her as a SAHM, it’s outrageous not to do his cooking, cleaning etc.

Surely the issue is what you deem to be his fair share. If you’re on maternity leave with newborn triplets it’s fair you care for the babies and don’t much anything else. If you’re at the end of maternity with a healthy 12 month old who’s in childcare a couple of times a week you should do most of the housework while the other adult works.

What do you think he should be doing that he’s not? What was he like before you had the baby?

I think splitting washing and only cooking for yourself sounds really sad but not as sad as living with someone who’s buying their own leisure with your labour and doesn’t care about you enough to pitch in making sure things are pretty equal.

I think your family member was totally justified especially as it sounds like she was working too.
Your dh's ex it's hard to know really, if she wasn't working then it does sound a bit mean to only cook for herself and dd but you know your dh and you've already said he doesn't do his fair share so she probably had her reasons!

@RightOnTheEdge she had spinal problems due to undiagnosed shingles. She took a lot of pain medication and I think she was on disability benefits. I think the issue was that she wasn’t open to the idea of working and expected DH to pay for everything whilst she bought wine.

Of course there are two sides to every story, though. I’ve never met her.

I have stopped doing any washing for DH unless he puts it in the washing basket after emptying the pockets and taking the belts off.
He was ranting about not having any clean jeans yesterday. I guess the penny still hasn’t dropped.

Your dp broke up with her because she wouldn't be his domestic slave, then he found you who is happy to be. Not sure if there are two sides to this story... I guess it all worked out? Especially for the ex gf who is now free of this horrible lazy man.

I work part time and DH works full time. Therefore I do the majority of the housework and take care of the dogs. I think it’s petty to not do things for him and would surely lead to waste. For example if I’m putting a clothes wash on for myself, what would be the point in leaving his clothes out if I could fit more in? Pointless.

It's not mean. It's justifiable and women really shouldn't be putting up with partners who don't pull their weight. I always find it astonishing when a woman says something along the lines of "My DH would be lost without me." That's not love, that's being someone's skivvy.

I work part time and DH works full time. Therefore I do the majority of the housework and take care of the dogs.

Totally different situation though, as you both do your fair share of work, that doesn't necessarily mean an equal share. OP, the ex gf etc are talking about people that don't do their fair share, whatever that amount might be.

I am at home, I do the majority of the cleaning, we share the cooking.

The only thing I insist upon that if its not in the wash basket, I am not washing it, or if cups and plates are not bought it, then they dont get watched

I did that with ex, I don't think it was the cause of the split (rather a symptom of the cause), but it didn't help from his point of view.

Of course from my point of view, I didn't sign up to be his maid, nanny and personal assistant. I worked and wanted to work, and didn't want to give it up, use his money, and have to do all the laundry.

So fundamentally, it was doomed I think.

How would he feel if you said that you'd do the work but he had to do everything round the house? Do you think he'd go for it? Most men I know wouldn't, and I don't see why women should have to.

I don’t work but I am a student so I do the lion’s share of chores (inc cooking) but DH does his own laundry (work stuff), does car maintenance, DIY, gardening and takes bins out. DH works long hours so I think that’s more than fair.

Perfectly justifiable.

Why should men get away with doing shit all?

[quote Wazza89]@RightOnTheEdge she had spinal problems due to undiagnosed shingles. She took a lot of pain medication and I think she was on disability benefits. I think the issue was that she wasn’t open to the idea of working and expected DH to pay for everything whilst she bought wine.

Of course there are two sides to every story, though. I’ve never met her.[/quote]
Sounds like the disabled woman's cocklodger found a nice new home with you, doesn't it?

I stopped doing my DH's washing. We both work full time. Left to his own devices, he does very little round the house, he just doesn't care whether it's clean and tidy.
Now it's his problem if he runs out of clean pants.

Justifiable. Lazy lump needs to learn to be an adult.

Wow, what a prince among men 🙄

Shingles can be agony, back problems can be agony, painkillers can have horrible side-effects, she was awarded disability benefits meaning she was assessed as unable to work, and she was looking after her child… but your DH has framed this as not “being open to the idea of working” and moaning that she wouldn’t pick up after him.