Is this justified or mean

[Wazza89]

Was talking to a family member and she asked me whether DH does his fair share of the housework and I answered honestly (no). She told me that when she had this issue with her DP, she stopped doing his washing, cooking for him, etc. She’d only do it for herself and their DD to teach him a lesson. She said that nowadays he helps out a lot more than he did before.

Was talking DH about his ex-girlfriend and he said that one of the reasons they split was because she would cook for herself and her child (his stepchild), but not make anything for him. She would wash their clothes, but not his. She wasn’t working, though, unlike this family member.

Is this petty and mean, or justifiable?

Before anyone refers to my previous thread, I have work lined up for the spring/summer (on a farm) and prior to being on maternity leave, I worked 50+ hours a week as a carer/support worker.

It’s also not something I think I’d do, but I’m interested in people’s views!

"Not open to the idea of work" is a really fucking depressing way of talking about someone who - from what you've said - wasn't capable of working

I think the issue was that she wasn’t open to the idea of working and expected DH to pay for everything whilst she bought wine.

Your husband told you that did he? If she was suffering badly enough to be on disability benefits then maybe he should've stepped up more.

[quote Wazza89]@RightOnTheEdge she had spinal problems due to undiagnosed shingles. She took a lot of pain medication and I think she was on disability benefits. I think the issue was that she wasn’t open to the idea of working and expected DH to pay for everything whilst she bought wine.

Of course there are two sides to every story, though. I’ve never met her.[/quote]
It’s the old ‘Ex is a psycho’ story

Justifiable and quite similar to our set up. It wasn't done out of spite, it was more of a I do x,y,z and now working, you can be responsible for cooking for yourself and whatever else.
Even if it's the result of an argument or dissent in the relationship, it's not spiteful to expect an adult to look after themselves.

I'd discuss with him what a fair division of labour looks like, and what work is needed to maintain the family home.

In my house, we all do our own washing. It's really efficient because everyone always knows where their clothes are and there's no time wasted sorting out whose socks are whose.

Good grief OP, your husband sounds terrible here.

He was pissed off that someone on disability benefits and too ill to work wouldn’t ignore that advice, expected to be waited on by her and has told you that the reason they split was because of this?

Well that’s a thinly veiled threat to you not to step out of line and expect his royal highness to have to do much of anything really, isn’t it?

Urgh I don’t want to have to “train” a fully grown man to pull his weight.
If DH didn’t do his fair share, I’d never have married him.

But yes, I guess it would be justifiable to stop doing stuff if he wasn’t - certainly more justifiable than him deciding to do fuck all. I doubt he’s worrying about whether it’s “mean” to not do his fair share.

Your husband left his ex because she wouldn't do everything for him? Charmer.

Hers and your relatives behaviours are completely justified.

He sees someone who's signed off with a disability as "not open to working"?

Wtf. Thats left a really bad taste in my mouth and I imagine it has you too. What a vile thing to say/think. Also a not so thinly veiled threat towards you Op.

I'd be getting rid asap.

Whilst she bought wine? What a horrible thing to write.

[quote Wazza89]@RightOnTheEdge she had spinal problems due to undiagnosed shingles. She took a lot of pain medication and I think she was on disability benefits. I think the issue was that she wasn’t open to the idea of working and expected DH to pay for everything whilst she bought wine.

Of course there are two sides to every story, though. I’ve never met her.[/quote]
Oh dear, that just made him sound even worse!

What does he say when you talk to him about doing his fair share?

OP having read some of your other threads it appears your husband is an arsehole. Also you keep punctuating your posts with the 'crying laughing' emoji whilst describing the shitty things he does.

Good luck to you.

You need to hope you stay fit and healthy OP or those "in sickness and in health" vows might not hold up.

Wazza89

It seems very childish. I think a honest conversation needs to be had and then if things don’t change then you would need to seriously consider your next move.

@pinkyredrose

OP having read some of your other threads it appears your husband is an arsehole. Also you keep punctuating your posts with the 'crying laughing' emoji whilst describing the shitty things he does.

Good luck to you.

Oh ffs I've just realised who the OP is

I think it's a justifiable way of making a point if the man is doing nothing at all domestically except making more mess and expecting a skivvy. But the flip side is he could say "fine, have it your way but I won't be sharing my income with you then".
Both partners need to value what they are getting from the deal and if its still unbalanced. Some women might be better off on benefits (especially if DLA applies) and child maintenence than a partner who is both tight with sharing money and creates extra labour because he thinks he's above putting rubbish in the bin, laundry in the washbasket and cleaning his shit stains off the toilet bowl.

Based on your other threads I'm afraid your relationship is a bit of a shit show OP.

It's not healthy, happy, stable and secure. You aren't a team. Your 'DP' is a prick, you're both irresponsible with money, you're suspicious of him - with good reason tbh and you've made a number of threads about various issues.

Is this really what you want from a relationship?

My DP moved in and shortly after became redundant, I was still working FT, he took on all household/child care of my DS duties whilst looking for work.
He now works FT and I'm sahm so I do most of the stuff, he helps me every day.

If I have a problem, I'd talk to him, not do petty shit like purposely separate out his laundry and not wash it or cook him dinner.

I couldn't imagine doing that to my DH. He works long hours and supports me and our dds (2 have left home be we help them out). I'm about to go away for the week with my other dd and have fun with a friend and her dd. He does help around the house though and makes dinner etc but I wouldn't ever not wash his clothes or cook our food and not his, that's very petty. If we both worked full time then we would just work out a fair system .

Chores and leisure hours should be evenly shared.

If they aren't, and there isn't a really good reason why (illness, injury etc) then yes, the lazy party can wash their own clothes, cook their own food, iron their own shirts.

Most human beings have two hands and two feet, they are equally able to stack a dishwasher or iron a shirt.

[quote Wazza89]@RightOnTheEdge she had spinal problems due to undiagnosed shingles. She took a lot of pain medication and I think she was on disability benefits. I think the issue was that she wasn’t open to the idea of working and expected DH to pay for everything whilst she bought wine.

Of course there are two sides to every story, though. I’ve never met her.[/quote]
Your husband sounds vile.

His ex had spinal problems and was registered disabled and he was pissed off because she "wasn't open to the idea of working?"

And you decided to marry him anyway? Charming.

Yabu for starting another thread about your husband.

she had spinal problems due to undiagnosed shingles. She took a lot of pain medication and I think she was on disability benefits. I think the issue was that she wasn’t open to the idea of working and expected DH to pay for everything whilst she bought wine
My jaw dropped reading that!
He actually said that about his ex?
More housework? I'd make that him packing his bags, he's sound awful.

The problem you have OP is that one woman has already tried the tactic of not cleaning and cooking for him and has failed to get the point across. Why do you think he will get it this time?

It seems clear that your DH considers housework woman's work.