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AIBU?

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Original poster

What am I doing wrong? My 17 year old DS won’t talk to me.

50 replies

palladiumdream · 06/02/2022 09:01

I feel like I have a absolutely no idea what’s going on in his life. He never initiates a conversation and can’t get away fast enough when I do. He doesn’t grunt as such but I literally get one word as answers/ the absolute minimum response when I try to talk to him. I therefore feel like I’m hounding him whenever I try to speak to him, but if I didn’t we literally never talk. I don’t really know how he’s finding his A’levels, what he’s really thinking about doing after college etc. how things are going with his GF and so on and this makes me feel like a terrible parent. We eat together every evening but it feels strained and he’s off as soon as he can.
In contrast my 15 year old DD is the complete opposite. She’s always telling me about her day, friends, feelings. This makes me feel guilty as we have such a different relationship.
I’ve tried everything I can think of to improve things with DS - trying to talk about the things I know he’s interested in, talking in the car, we try go out regularly as a family. We’re not strict, we give him plenty of space. I’m worried that in a couple of years he’ll be off to university or whatever he decides to do and it’ll be too late.

OP posts:
Diditopknot · 06/02/2022 09:06

I text mine.
I do. I text him.
I get the grunts and one word answers if we talk.
I send funny memes, regularly text him goodnight and love you..that kind of thing.
I ask what he fancies for tea, what has he had for lunch, that kind of thing.

Keeps us in touch.
Don’t expect anything more at that age to be honest.

newnameforthis76 · 06/02/2022 09:07

This honestly all sounds pretty typical for a teenage boy.

Parky04 · 06/02/2022 09:10

My DS was exactly the same at that age. 3 years later and he is totally different. He now enjoys having chats and no longer see us as annoying/embarrassing parents!

Original poster
palladiumdream · 06/02/2022 09:11

Thanks @Diditopknot that’s actually a good idea.
That’s what I ask DS too - what do you want for dinner? And so on. I just get the feeling he thinks I’m hassling him and he can’t wait to get away and I just don’t know whySad

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 06/02/2022 09:13

Sorry OP, that’s a horrible feeling. Would he go to the cinema or out for coffee/ lunch with you? Could you ask him to help with a task at home that you complete together? Just taking the pressure off the thought of conversation but still spending time together?
I’m having the same issue with 13 year old ds!

Lunificent · 06/02/2022 09:14

Once he’s off to uni, that really might be it for your relationship anyway. I think with many boys you have to accept that they are not really interested in family until, they form one of their own.
I think, enjoy your relationship with your daughter and just accept that it is what it is with him.

FunnyInjury · 06/02/2022 09:16

Yup, I agree with the texting! Just keep it light and he’ll come back to you eventually!

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 06/02/2022 09:17

It's a normal developmental phase of the mid-to-late teens - the need to separate and distance from parents before establishing a new sort of bond. I know it's painful but it does come to an end and communication naturally picks up again.

KylieCharlene · 06/02/2022 09:20

No personal experience of17 year old boys but your relationship sounds very much like that of my relationship with my 13year old DS.
How was your DS when he was 13?

perrymason · 06/02/2022 09:20

My 17 year old always seems to need the toilet whenever I have talked to him for more than 30 seconds Hmm.
Honestly could have written your post (have the chatty younger teen daughter too) but we don’t even have dinner together as he’s usually out. Have def had moments where I’ve felt so sad and that I’ve lost him already but then try to remember this was my job - he’s nearly 18 and he’s confident and independent and ready to go out into the world without me. Hoping he’ll be able to bear a conversation with me (and maybe even spend time with me!) in a few years time!

GiantSpider · 06/02/2022 09:23

My 16yo DS is similar. He's a lovely boy (from what I can tell!) but just doesn't seem to have much to say to any of us. His younger brother and sister are both really chatty. He's doing well at school and seems to have nice friends etc so I assume everything is fine.

whiteroseredrose · 06/02/2022 09:24

@Diditopknot

I text mine. I do. I text him. I get the grunts and one word answers if we talk. I send funny memes, regularly text him goodnight and love you..that kind of thing. I ask what he fancies for tea, what has he had for lunch, that kind of thing.

Keeps us in touch.
Don’t expect anything more at that age to be honest.

Ha ha. I did texting too. It wasn't a conscious decision (he was in the attic) and it does work.

I think he was more in control without the fear of getting sucked into a conversation.

We still have great text conversations and he is 22!

BrightNewLife · 06/02/2022 09:25

I think if you’re still having dinners together you’re doing ok.
My tip is to connect through sport and non-verbal activities.
I’m a parent of two boys and a former secondary teacher: I find that when I play tennis with my son, it’s a way of bonding and getting through grumps. His mood usually lifts after.
If your son does sport, could you watch his matches and chat about the match afterwards-something neutral?
Or do a sport with him, such as tennis or running so you’ve got the connection without the ‘pressure’ on him of having to make small talk.

whiteroseredrose · 06/02/2022 09:26

Come to think of it I prefer to text my mum too. Phone calls go on too long!

ThatsAllFolks · 06/02/2022 09:26

I get a much lighter, sweeter, funny relationship out of my 13 yo dd and 21yo son at uni using messenger. Many messages a day. WhatsApp and text are apparently for old ppl and they rarely answer those. Snapchat and Instagram are reserved for their friends not their mum. That leaves actual conversation for 'Muuuummmm where's my X or Y?' and 'Can I have a lift to Z's house?'. Apparently they are charmingly chatty to other ppl's parents tho.

grafittiartist · 06/02/2022 09:28

My best time is once a week, I give him a lift to college- it's quite a long journey.
Great for talking as he's trapped!!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2022 09:30

I think it's normal for a any teenager. I barely spent any time with my parents at that age unless there was a shopping trip
or food on offer Wink

About once a month my mum and I would go to the nearest "big town" on a Sunday - we'd get coffee, wander around the shops and have lunch. They're some of the best memories of our relationship growing up because there was no real pressure.

Would he accept the offer of a meal out at Nando's, for example? Doesn't have to be expensive but I think to get teenagers to talk to you, you do have to go into their world and go to places they like, even if it's actually your idea of hell Grin

Member869894 · 06/02/2022 09:32

My ds is exactly the same. I have taken to texting him to keep lines of communication open. It's hard

Original poster
palladiumdream · 06/02/2022 09:35

@KylieCharlene he’s never been a big talker. But as he gets older and becomes more and more independent I’m finding it harder as I know less and less what’s going on in his life/ thoughts.
@MissyB1 he does get asked to help out with stuff/ do stuff with us but even then I feel he can’t get away fast enough.
@perrymason I was only thinking last night about how DS seems needs the toilet a lot of the times that I try to have a chat!
Thanks everyone. It’s so nice to hear that this is normal. It’s something that’s really been bothering me.

OP posts:
AngelsWithSilverWings · 06/02/2022 09:37

My DS was like this between 14 and 15. It was upsetting. He's now 16 and friendly again but he has his own life and has made it clear he doesn't need me or DH to be involved in every aspect of it. He knows where we are if he needs parental help and as long as he keeps his grades up he knows we won't be hassling him.

DD13 has just entered a very difficult phase and it's really awful but I take comfort from how DS went through it and came out the other side.

awaynboilyurheid · 06/02/2022 09:39

Try chatting in the car if you give him lifts ? I found sometimes car journeys were suddenly the time teens would talk, my advice would be to try not to make it like you are forcing conversation so try an activity anything where he doesn’t feel he’s being forced to talk, like buying something he needs together or learning to drive or doing something in the house painting his room anything that takes pressure of him.

You might find suddenly they seem to,open up and you could try
pretending you don’t know something as teenagers like showing how much more they know than you (!) even if you’ve already been there done that! say that’s so interesting I never realised !
Praise too whenever you can, well that was good you did x or y really shows what a good person you are, or well that friend is luck to have you etc etc

You might have already trued these so ignore if you want and right after short chat he might clam right back up again after but you’ll have made a start and good luck!

InconvenientPeg · 06/02/2022 09:45

Definitely memes. There were a few months where it was almost our only communication, but because we share a sense of humour it really worked. Nearly 18 now and I think chats with me have become part of his revision procrastination strategy 😆

Philandbill · 06/02/2022 09:49

My friend said she didn't know when her son's voice broke as he was silent for three years. Grin He's mid twenties now and sociable and friendly. Your son will come out of the tunnel too.

Flabbyflabberghasted · 06/02/2022 09:53

I was like this with my mum around the same time but it changed in my later teens and my early 20s. It’s normal.
Probably a good idea not to put too much pressure on and just let him know you are there. It’ll be ok. You sound like a lovely mum x

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 06/02/2022 09:55

Do you have a car? I stick mine in the car with some food (McDonald's) and we go for a drive. That soon loosens them up. It even works with ds2 when he's feeling down and clammed up. Try to visit the countryside.