What am I doing wrong? My 17 year old DS won’t talk to me.

[palladiumdream]

I feel like I have a absolutely no idea what’s going on in his life. He never initiates a conversation and can’t get away fast enough when I do. He doesn’t grunt as such but I literally get one word as answers/ the absolute minimum response when I try to talk to him. I therefore feel like I’m hounding him whenever I try to speak to him, but if I didn’t we literally never talk. I don’t really know how he’s finding his A’levels, what he’s really thinking about doing after college etc. how things are going with his GF and so on and this makes me feel like a terrible parent. We eat together every evening but it feels strained and he’s off as soon as he can.
In contrast my 15 year old DD is the complete opposite. She’s always telling me about her day, friends, feelings. This makes me feel guilty as we have such a different relationship.
I’ve tried everything I can think of to improve things with DS - trying to talk about the things I know he’s interested in, talking in the car, we try go out regularly as a family. We’re not strict, we give him plenty of space. I’m worried that in a couple of years he’ll be off to university or whatever he decides to do and it’ll be too late.

Don't worry OP. Mine were like this. I think its sixth form, I remember being there myself and it bring the hardest 2 years of my life.
Keep on making him cups of tea and keep it light. They do come back to you. Our 2 are at uni now and ring almost every night, mainly cookery advice but also sometimes just for a chat.
Funnily enough, if I send a text these days they often ring in response and when they come home they often come to local cafes for breakfast with us.

It can be difficult at that age. Fortunately my 17yr old DS is quite chatty, though not as much as his 28yr old brother, I do feel like I have a closer relationship with DS1 but I was 16 when I had him and it was just us for a long time. My DD (14) is harder to talk to. She’s naturally shy and quiet even at home. But I find she has days when she’s more chatty; and I always chat to her in the car on way to and from school, but I give her space too, she likes to spend a lot of time in her room whereas my boys never have. I guess it’s natural to have different relationship with your kids depending on their personality. Teens is a tricky age, sure it will change

If it helps I have boy/girl twins and my son is exactly how you describe your son and my daughter is exactly how you describe your daughter. I watch TV with him sometimes as a compromise and we still feel close despite him not wanting to share information with me.

So many good ideas. I like the idea of the McDonald’s drive though I think I’ll try that. Also going to take him to Nando’s over half term.
I’m relieved to hear this is normal. I just hate not knowing what’s going on in his life and feeling like a nag when I try to find out. I think it’s the hardest stage yet, but maybe I’m looking back through rose tinted glasses.

Both my ds's went through this stage. Eldest when 16+ but came back to us at about 21 even though living at home throughout that time. Youngest remained chatty even wanting to go on holiday with us until he was about 20 then went quiet. By 23 he is his old self. We regularly go out for a lunch, just me and youngest son. Eldest son bought house and moved away but still rings me every week and came home for Xmas. I went up to see him end of January. I think it is a pretty normal stage they go through pushing away parents whilst always being out with friends.

@grafittiartist

My best time is once a week, I give him a lift to college- it's quite a long journey. Great for talking as he's trapped!!

I agree with this. In the car, he is trapped and you’re not looking at him.

You sound such a lovely, caring Mum. I am sure he will grow through this phase soon.

My 17yo is the same. Unless she wants something. She only leaves her room for college and food.

I am also a texter! we send each other funny memes and videos we have seen and have a great relationship over text!

This honestly all sounds pretty typical for a teenage boy

Pretty typical for teenage girls too.

Mine is 13.
I WhatsApp him, even if he’s just upstairs and he doesn’t always reply but sometimes he appears and starts to talk to me. He knows I love him and am here if/when he wants me.
I appreciate 13 is very different to 17 but DD is 17 and it’s worked with her.

my nearly 16 year old is the same. My 18 year old daughter never stops telling me everything. The contrast.

I used to try to get conversation out of him. I have stopped trying. I don't know, me asking him questions and him hardly responding wasn't improving things, wasn't building a relationship. I felt like I was drawing attention to how poor things were.

This mostly just sounds like a teenage boy rather than DS hates his mum. My own ds is 15, he tells me about games he likes and we have a laugh about silly or daft things (we have a similar-ish SOH) but as far as how was your day conversations go it's a push for me to get anything other than "fine" as a response. You haven't done anything wrong, it's just not "cool" for teenage boys to appear to be close to their DM for some reason. Don't worry, he knows you love him and you can be sure he loves you

Mine are similar, but my DD talks about everything.

Actually mine have long conversations about some things, but never about stuff I want to know like how their studies are going, gfs etc - all that is just ‘fine mum’.

Completely relate to this. I’m so glad I’m not the only parent who feels like this because I do feel quite alone in this sometimes.. Our DS16 won’t talk to us about anything. If I ask about college, friends, etc.. he just tells me that I don’t need to know what’s going on in his life because that’s his business. If I ask him who he’s been out with, he just says ‘mates.’ If I ask who they are, I get “No one you know.” He’s a popular lad, through school and college and I know he’s not been bullied or anything like that that could be the cause. If I’m driving him anywhere it’s just one sided conversation. I know he’s not making any effort at college because I’ve spoken to his tutors. Sounds like they get similar treatment from him that I do. He never spends time with me, no matter how hard I try, I’m at my wits end because I love him to bits, and maybe I am guilty of being a bit soft on him. He’s the polar opposite of my DD24 who is outgoing, chatty and brimming with confidence. Funnily enough, he happily chats to her, but she respects his privacy and won’t repeat anything to me, which I get. Some ‘brother/sister code’.. I’m glad he does talk to her. I just wish he’d open up to me.

One of mine was like this. He is now 30 and we have regular 1 hour phone calls. He changed around 23. His wife says we have a lovely relationship and she wishes she had the same with her mum.

Give him time and space. It’s absolutely normal. My DS has started to open up and to be honest tells me things I really don’t want to know.
I tend to use open questions with him and try to listen. Sometimes we try and jump in too soon with advice and experience rather than just being a sounding board.

I could have written this post, it started at 17 and is still ongoing at 21. He lives at home and his GF is here most of the time. They only leave the room to make food / cups of tea and use the loo.

I often feel hurt and sad as he was such a lovely little lad, I wonder here I’ve gone wrong. It’ll erupt into a big argument once every few months when I’m at the end of my tether of being grunted at or spoken sharply to.

Ive tried my best to be a good mum but it often feels like it’s being trampled all over. He can be rude and often speak to me like I’m dirt, have no idea about anything despite me holding down a very responsible job and having plenty of life experience.

Huge contrast to DD 18 who tells me everything and is great company.

Just have to hold out hope he’ll either grow up and appreciate me one day or just accept the fact he’s just one of those people with attitude.

I hear you, I hear you. I have 3 grown up sons, no daughters. They are all over 22 now. I can relate to your comments very much so. I'm smiling now in fact. I can assure you I wasn't when I had the same thoughts you are having. Its quite difficult, but soo normal. Relax relax relax. I do not say that patronisingly. Sending you a big hug in fact as I relate to your thoughts big time. They "were" mine. I say...lead by example...continue to speak to him on appropriate topics etc If he grunts, says little back...so be it. He still wants/needs to know you will always make the effort with him. I did make requests however. I politely explained, for example, that when we are sitting at the dinner table and having a family meal...conversation is lovely, 2 way conversation is better. I said I feel uncomfortable being the one who talks all the time etc etc could you please join in more, I'd love to hear your thoughts/opinions too. This helped a lot b/c I genuinely wanted to hear their thoughts/opinions. I didn't criticise (I most definitely must have slipped up when my emotions got the better of me, I dont behave perfectly)) or tell them off for their quietness. It's not personal...at all. AT ALL. If you are comparing the way you can talk etc with your daughter and that that doesn't happen with you and your son (even if you only make these comparisons in your head) he will feel that comparison in your energy. They are all different. Tothis day I have an older son who I talk to every few wks on the phone but we can have the meatiest chat. A middle son who talks little much of the time, talks when necessary so to spaek...has a cracking sense of humour, and my third can talk for England. They are all different. Love em all. I hope this has been helpful. ;)

@lovenotwar149 that has been a massive help. I’m going to read this thread every time I’m feeling rubbish about things with DS. I already feel more confident about things going forward. Really appreciate each and every answer.

That's good to hear. Bless you! :)

@Thanksfor

I could have written this post, it started at 17 and is still ongoing at 21. He lives at home and his GF is here most of the time. They only leave the room to make food / cups of tea and use the loo.

I often feel hurt and sad as he was such a lovely little lad, I wonder here I’ve gone wrong. It’ll erupt into a big argument once every few months when I’m at the end of my tether of being grunted at or spoken sharply to.

Ive tried my best to be a good mum but it often feels like it’s being trampled all over. He can be rude and often speak to me like I’m dirt, have no idea about anything despite me holding down a very responsible job and having plenty of life experience.

Huge contrast to DD 18 who tells me everything and is great company.

Just have to hold out hope he’ll either grow up and appreciate me one day or just accept the fact he’s just one of those people with attitude.

At 21 if he is still treating you like this he needs to start looking at alternative living arrangements. No way should you be putting up with a fully grown adult speaking to you like that.

DS1 went through this and came out the other side - now 21, and been much better for a few years.
The one thing he would actually do with me (without much talking) was watch some TV series that we both love eg Last Kingdom. Might that be an option for you?
DS2 (14) likes to walk with me and talk nonstop about his gaming. Started in lockdown and we still do it in school holidays and sometimes at weekends. I don’t suppose he’ll still want to do it in a couple of years.

It sounds like you’re talking about my son. Reading with interest.

I agree it sounds pretty normal.. Mine didn't tell me about their girlfriend until I saw a locebite; what A-levels they wanted to do until they wanted help with their application; or anything... And yet they tell people we have a good relationship! I think we have different definitions