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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretly a lesbian?

46 replies

Rachelislurking · 06/02/2022 01:26

Think this is the right place to put this, if not please move!

For years I have have thought to myself that I might be gay, and have thought about acting on this but have always been too scared more so because of other people's reactions such as my mum who is a catholic.

I had a night out last night and ended up in a gay club for the first time in years and had a great night feeling at ease and able to be myself with my straight friend tagging along who was totally cool with it all. But now don't know where I go from here.
I have a boyfriend but we are unhappy, and he has no idea. I feel like I am living a lie!

OP posts:
honeyytoast · 06/02/2022 03:29

Break up with your boyfriend and figure it out

Superhanz · 06/02/2022 04:45

Similar thing with my SIL, she was engaged and there was no inkling that she was gay (from our point of view) until she kissed a female friend of mine. Long story short she broke up with the fiance and has seen a few different girls over the past few years. She's still not entirely sure I'd shes gay or bi but she does have a preference for women.

The first thing you need to do is to end things with your bf, not because you think you're gay but because you're not happy. You don't need to put a label on yourself ever if you don't want to. My SIL initially felt that she needed everything figured out but she's learnt to go with the flow and not put pressure on herself. We are in Ireland so she has the Catholic parents and relations and also worrying about friends reactions but no-one really batted an eyelid, well after the shock wore off because there were never any indications that she liked women.

Speak to a trusted friend and then go from there. Good luck Smile

Original poster
Rachelislurking · 06/02/2022 07:07

Thanks to poster above,

Yes I do need to talk to him but feel I need it right in my head first, and it's not at all at the moment

OP posts:
Bringonsummer19 · 06/02/2022 07:11

Are you sure you need a label? My close friend has relationships with girls and guys, she doesn’t like to label herself and is attracted to an individual.

I don’t think you’re being fair on your bf though, if your not committed to him then you should let him go,

QuiteAtALoss · 06/02/2022 07:13

Agree with pp - break up with the bf because you're unhappy, then go from there.

Lots of lesbians come out later in life, so you'll be in good company if that's right for you.

Lampshading · 06/02/2022 07:15

@honeyytoast

Break up with your boyfriend and figure it out
Yes I agree with this, it sounds like some time alone would do you the world of good. Perhaps you are a lesbian, perhaps you are bi, perhaps you are straight but desperately unhappy with your boyfriend...only way to know really is to take some time to get to know yourself outside of a relationship imo.
1day1 · 06/02/2022 07:21

How old are you, @Rachelislurking?

This is something that has always been an issue for me. I’m pretty sure I have feelings for women (I’m unsure whether gay or bi) but have simply never given myself permission for these feelings to develop, so they haven’t!

Of course, I never really had any successful relationships as a result. I love my husband and he’s a very good man but I’ve never enjoyed or looked forward to or initiated sex with him.

I wish you well.

Original poster
Rachelislurking · 06/02/2022 07:24

Thanks, I have a house and commitments with my boyfriend but I feel I need to figure it out before moving forward with that.

@1day1 I am 32 years old. How old are you?

OP posts:
1day1 · 06/02/2022 07:29

I’m 42 so a generation ahead of you, if you like.

I definitely grew up at a time when being gay was shrouded in shame and this might have been mostly aimed at men but in my mind it was applicable to both. I thought it was disgusting, and my own feelings were disgusting.

I feel I made the right call given the circumstances though I know some would disagree. I’m still (at 42!) not sure if I’m gay or not!

OvertheRainbow2U · 06/02/2022 07:39

You and your boyfriend are unhappy so that's the first thing to look at.

Why are you both unhappy?

Are your thoughts and feelings part of this?

Or is this a stand alone bad partnership -ie different wants/attitudes to the relationship/eachother etc..

You sound wise and thoughtful.

As we only get one life (as far as I am aware) then live that life happy and content. Best of luck x

Original poster
Rachelislurking · 06/02/2022 07:51

I'm unhappy because I just don't feel attracted to him or men in general. But women make me feel alive, other than that there is no issues in the relationship.

OP posts:
Marmm · 06/02/2022 07:54

@Rachelislurking

Thanks, I have a house and commitments with my boyfriend but I feel I need to figure it out before moving forward with that.

@1day1 I am 32 years old. How old are you?

If you're unhappy with him you should break it off sooner. You can't string him along while you figure it out. They are two seperate issues
CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal · 06/02/2022 07:55

You’re being incredibly unfair on your boyfriend. Get right in your head on your own, don’t drag him into it.

Marmm · 06/02/2022 07:55

@Rachelislurking

I'm unhappy because I just don't feel attracted to him or men in general. But women make me feel alive, other than that there is no issues in the relationship.
Imagine if someone was in a relationship with you and they weren't attracted to you? How would you feel.
Original poster
Rachelislurking · 06/02/2022 07:59

This is why I'm trying to sort it out. It's not something I am maliciously doing.

And it was only Friday night when it sort of clicked for me.

OP posts:
Ikeameatballs · 06/02/2022 08:00

@Rachelislurking

I'm unhappy because I just don't feel attracted to him or men in general. But women make me feel alive, other than that there is no issues in the relationship.
Well that’s a pretty massive reason to not be in a relationship with him. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t find me attractive.

I can understand your nervousness if breaking up with him will come with emotional pain and practical and financial upheaval but your current situation isn’t fair to anyone.

Furbulousnous · 06/02/2022 08:10

Break up the boyfriend. If you’re romantically attracted to women then yup, you’re probably gay.
I know lots of women who came out later, even after marriages, and are now much happier. Your background and family circumstances can play a huge role in how you feel about your sexuality and about coming out and it means many women, and men, surpress their feelings.
You’ll be ok, but the first thing to deal with is your unhappy relationship

Ikeptgoing · 06/02/2022 08:10

@Rachelislurking

You don't need to work it all out. But you can tell your bf
"I'm unhappy. I've felt unhappy for a while. I don't know fest it is but I need to tell you. Are you happy?'

Sometimes you don't need to leap off the edge , but just take small steps along a road where you can't see the whole path except the tiny part in-front of you.

Ikeptgoing · 06/02/2022 08:11

I don't know why but I need
to tell you
Sorry phone changed why to *fest!!

LazySaturday · 06/02/2022 08:29

The thing is at present you are in a committed relationship so shouldn't really be exploring anything else.
So, first things first if you are unhappy with your boyfriend and want to explore new relationships then you need to end this one decently.
One you are single again then you're free to explore your sexuality in any way you choose.

Marmm · 06/02/2022 08:33

Thing is if you're sure you don't find him attractive anymore and he doesn't make you feel alive then you're just wasting both your time hanging around deciding that yes you really don't fancy him any more. It's not going to suddenly change.

Original poster
Rachelislurking · 06/02/2022 09:03

I agree, and I will be making a change. Just came as a bit of a surprise.

OP posts:
Marmm · 06/02/2022 09:08

Ah I see so Friday was the first time you realised you didn't really have a future with your boyfriend? Maybe today is the day for a heart to heart with him.

Ohbedhowimissyou · 06/02/2022 09:19

I think you're seeing this all as one big mess you need to sort out all at once, you don't.
Firstly, regardless of your sexuality you aren't happy in your relationship. So if you don't see a happy future together, end it.
Then spend time by yourself working out what you want from life including who you're attracted to.
You can then take steps to act on it. It seems like you already have the support of at least one friend, that's great!
Finally you can address issues like telling your mum, you don't need to tell her now, especially if it will be contentious, that's for when you feel more certain in yourself.
All these things are hurdles to overcome but not insurmountable, there is no rush to have everything figured out in one go. One step at a time.

Gowithme · 06/02/2022 09:22

So you're just going to use your boyfriend while you figure yourself out? Stop being a dick and end the relationship so he can find someone who knows they are straight and wants to be with him. I've been on the other end of this and it's shit.