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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretly a lesbian?

46 replies

Rachelislurking · 06/02/2022 01:26

Think this is the right place to put this, if not please move!

For years I have have thought to myself that I might be gay, and have thought about acting on this but have always been too scared more so because of other people's reactions such as my mum who is a catholic.

I had a night out last night and ended up in a gay club for the first time in years and had a great night feeling at ease and able to be myself with my straight friend tagging along who was totally cool with it all. But now don't know where I go from here.
I have a boyfriend but we are unhappy, and he has no idea. I feel like I am living a lie!

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 06/02/2022 09:36

@Gowithme

So you're just going to use your boyfriend while you figure yourself out? Stop being a dick and end the relationship so he can find someone who knows they are straight and wants to be with him. I've been on the other end of this and it's shit.
Whilst it must really suck to be the partner in the scenario, to be fair to OP she only really worked it out herself on Friday....it's now Sunday. It's not as if she was going to wake him up on Saturday morning like I've realised I might be gay, or at the very least you do nothing for me, off you fuck.

OP, as has been said, the unhappy relationship needs either fixed or ended. For both your sakes. Lack of attraction to your partner is a pretty big reason to end it though, otherwise you're basically room-mates.

Try not to wrap yourself up in knots figuring everything all out at once. If you end this relationship you're free to explore who you are and you might find a label or you might not.

Onlyforcake · 06/02/2022 09:45

I'm in my late 40s I've known myself to be bisexual (or rather my attractions are driven by personalities) since my teens BUT in my 20s i experienced a lot of negativity from lesbians for not being a certain "way". Over the years I've had more relationships with men as a result. BUT I see a lot more freedom amongst my children's generation about who they are/ how relationships work for them etc. It's good. (Though they do seem far keener to reduce everyone to a group, something I have avoided a lot). This relaxed straight friend is a good start, you need to reflect on whether things with your boyfriend are worth a monogamous long term commitment or if you need more space. Good luck. I hope you get to feeling you know yourself well.

Marmm · 06/02/2022 09:46

@TimeForTeaAndG yes I didn't realise she had only realised she wasn't happy with her boyfriend since Friday.

To be honest now you've presumably stopped having sex with him he'll work out something is up sooner rather than later so I think it is a matter of weeks.

Then you can focus on discovering what makes you happy.

Two seperate things, breaking up with boyfriend. Then find what makes you happy.

amoobaa · 06/02/2022 09:47

I was with my boyfriend for what felt like forever, lived together for 5 years.

He’s the most incredible person… kind, patient, good looking, hilarious and trustworthy- perfect husband material.

I loved him and still do, but now I know it the kind of love you have for a best friend or close sibling.

I realised I was a lesbian and after a lot of angsting and many errors of judgement, I finally left.

Now I’m happily married to a woman. We have a gorgeous son and my ex-boyfriend has a wonderful partner. They have two gorgeous kids and we regularly all hang out.

My only regret is that I didn’t act faster.

I’m not going to lie, it was bloody hard work to get through it all and out the other side.

But it was all worth it. You have to be who you are… make that your focus and everything else will fall into place.

Wishing you loads of strength and good luck Flowers

P.s my wife was 42 when we met. We couldn’t be happier Smile

Blueuggboots · 06/02/2022 10:12

I'm 46. I was really into men for years. I'm now very very happily married to a woman. We met when I was 27, were close friends for years and got together when I was 38, married at 40.
Am I gay? I don't know. Do I love and fancy my wife? Utterly!

Original poster
Rachelislurking · 06/02/2022 13:55

Thanks for kind comments and glad I'm not the only one.
BF is away next couple of days with work so will give me time to reflect

OP posts:
Copasetic · 06/02/2022 16:13

Definitely pursue it. Life really is too short to be unhappy. I struggle to understand why anyone would care if someone was heterosexual, gay or bisexual. I really don't see how it matters to them. Obviously different for your boyfriend who you evidently need to talk to.

Notimeforaname · 06/02/2022 16:21

I agree you should break up with him and give yourself the space to figure things out.

I met a psychic lesbian at a function once who told me I was actually gay and would come out by 38🤣 Few more years to go for me yet.

Marmm · 06/02/2022 16:23

@Rachelislurking

Thanks for kind comments and glad I'm not the only one. BF is away next couple of days with work so will give me time to reflect
Yes gives you a couple of days to work out how to break up with him. If you live together have somewhere planned that you can go and stay for a bit while you sort out your housing.
CornedBeef451 · 06/02/2022 16:40

It's tough OP. I've been thinking the same thing.

I had very strong feelings for a female friend in 6th form and if she'd ever shown any interest I would have gone for it. I remember being very confused when she got a boyfriend as why would she spend time with a boring boy when we could have been together?

Turns out not everyone feels like that about their friends. I have had crushes on other women but haven't acted on them.

I'm currently in a sexless marriage to a man. We're friends now but not sure it's anything more than that.

Take some time to figure it out and leave your boyfriend before you have any kids as that makes it much harder. Good luck!

Original poster
Rachelislurking · 06/02/2022 21:42

Yes I can imagine that's much harder @CornedBeef451and I feel for you in that situation.

Seems like I am not alone in feeling like this :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Rachelislurking · 12/02/2022 11:41

Thanks for your advice on this.
I ended things with my other half and will see where this takes me here. No idea where to look (can't stand dating sites).

OP posts:
Pazuzu · 12/02/2022 11:44

Gently break up with boyfriend. It's not his fault. Nor is it yours. It's just what it is.

Then go forth and figure it out and enjoy.

LazySaturday · 12/02/2022 11:46

@Rachelislurking

Thanks for your advice on this. I ended things with my other half and will see where this takes me here. No idea where to look (can't stand dating sites).
Have a look on Facebook, there's a fair few lesbian meet up type groups. Not specifically dating sites so there's less pressure.
Twinwoo · 12/02/2022 11:47

Good luck! Sounds like you did the right thing, my personal advice is take time to work through the break up. I was In a long term relationship from 16 with a fantastic guy but it just wasn't right, I always said if he was female we would have been together forever.

Now happily married to a woman with a child and my main advice is the lesbian dating scene can be a minefield! Take your time, don't rush into anything.

As for dating POF was good in my experience!

Enjoy being you! Smile

llanfairpg3 · 12/02/2022 12:26

I wish you luck and hope you are finding an inner peace with your decision.

Original poster
Rachelislurking · 20/02/2022 14:21

Thank you for the nice comments :)
Yeah dating looks like a minefield. I've signed up to Tinder so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rachelislurking · 20/02/2022 14:27

And good to see there are other in the same boat; wasn't half as scary as I expected

OP posts:
Original poster
Rachelislurking · 20/02/2022 14:32

There is also a MumsNet chat group that I am part of for women who like women (confidential) that's great full of brilliant likeminded women.

OP posts:
wingscrow · 20/02/2022 14:44

If you are unhappy with your partner, break up with him. Your should not be staying with someone who you simply don't enjoy being with anymore.

Then you can focus on figuring out slowly who you want to date next. You might be gay, you might be bisexual. It is perfectly fine to explore your sexuality. I was 30 when I realised I was attracted to both men and women. Never had any inkling until I fell in love with someone I was working with at the time.

It is also OK to have different values from your parents and you should not let anyone's potential prejudices prevent you from being yourself.

If your mother is catholic and does not approve of gay relationships, that's her problem...

You don't want to spend your life living a lie and pretending to be something you are not.

Original poster
Rachelislurking · 20/02/2022 15:08

Yes I think there are a lot of women who are in their 30s + who realised this.

OP posts:
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