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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is something to this?

47 replies

Picklesbaby · 05/02/2022 23:35

Dh fast asleep on couch . I went on his phone to look at photos of an event a friend had put up (I don’t have social media) opened it up on a message with another woman .
Dh-
“🙈🙈🙈
???
Shouldn’t be messaging you should I 🙈
?? Xx”
I had seen a message with said girl last week , the last text said 6years ago on the date but at the bottom of the chat said “seen Sunday”
He’s been deleting messages hasn’t he ?
I got up & he woke ,asked what I was doing .I told him I was going to bed.I put phone on couch still on this message, so he will have seen that I have seen . don’t know if to be annoyed or relieved he hasn’t followed me.
I feel like I’m being so childish being upset ,we’re a married couple with children for Christ sake .

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/02/2022 23:37

It does look dodgy. Do you know who the other woman is?

Original poster
Picklesbaby · 05/02/2022 23:37

@HollowTalk no idea , never mentioned her before

OP posts:
PAFMO · 05/02/2022 23:38

It's dodgy. As fuck.

Notimeforaname · 05/02/2022 23:39

Well he admitted in the text "I shouldn't be texting you" so yes he has done something out of line.

HollowTalk · 05/02/2022 23:49

I wonder whether she is a colleague or perhaps the wife of one of his friends. I'd also wonder whether something happened between them in the past, maybe before you knew him or maybe not, and they agreed not to be in contact.

T00Ts · 05/02/2022 23:51

Yeah. He’s definitely deleting messages. And sending inappropriate/borderline/full-on cheating messages.

DiddyHeck · 05/02/2022 23:52

I told him I was going to bed.I put phone on couch still on this message, so he will have seen that I have seen

Why didn't you speak to him about it there and then? All you've done is given him plenty of time to make up a cock and bull story.

Original poster
Picklesbaby · 05/02/2022 23:53

How do I approach this ? I’m questioning weather I could be blowing it all out of proportion in my head .I guess I’m more asking for reassurance it is as likely to be -shouldn’t be texting cause we have flirty chats than /oh I shouldn’t be texting cause we had a intimate affair.

OP posts:
DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 05/02/2022 23:53

He's a slime ball

MistyFrequencies · 05/02/2022 23:55

Oh god my stomach sank reading that. He's up to no good. So sorry.

Original poster
Picklesbaby · 05/02/2022 23:57

@DiddyHeck I don’t know in honesty I felt this wave of anger and pretty much stormed off to bed . I thought he might follow to discuss but apparently not

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 06/02/2022 00:36

Really dodgy. I’m sorry OP.

Holskey · 06/02/2022 01:13

I think it's quite telling he didn't follow you: he doesn't know what to say... yet. I can't think of an innocuous explanation for that message, especially when combined with the deleted messages.

I'm sorry @Picklesbaby. Hopefully it is nothing more than flirting (grossly inappropriate and disrespectful as that is).

Original poster
Picklesbaby · 06/02/2022 06:17

He still doesn’t know what to say it seems . I was asleep when he came to bed and he has got up with the kids this morning and left me in bed.
The longer I leave it the more awkward I feel bringing it up .
But he knows I know and hasn’t mentioned it at all . I’m not sure if that makes it worse or it’s because he knows there is no excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklesbaby · 06/02/2022 06:22

Has left his phone on the bedside which he NEVER does , as if to prove a point . Surprisingly however messages have disappeared.
Have stalked this lady and seems she is married with children herself ,so hoping it’s just silly messages and nothing more.

OP posts:
MalbecandToast · 06/02/2022 06:48

He's left it there so that you'll think there is nothing to worry about. I'd play sensible here, act as though it's resolved and say no more about it but watch and wait. If he's up to no good, he won't desist from it for too long once he thinks he's cleverly placated you. They are all the same unfortunately Sad the deleting of the messages is really not a good sign, sorry OP.

loveattheFair · 06/02/2022 06:51

Personally, I would have to mention what I saw. I couldn't carry on like normal.

coldfeetmama · 06/02/2022 06:54

I would address this without further delay

When the children have gone to bed I would sit him down and just say

" So , what's the explanation for you messaging / deleting / hiding / not mentioning someone so clearly well known to you , no bullshit please as I am not an idiot , let's have it ? "

Do not approach him with this " maybe it's nothing " attitude
And do not allow him to work out of this with " you are imagining the worst , you know I'd never do anything to hurt our family "

coldfeetmama · 06/02/2022 06:55

Worm ! Not work 🤨

Zonder · 06/02/2022 06:56

It's not nothing and he and you know it. You need to talk to him.

Shoxfordian · 06/02/2022 06:57

He sounds shady

MsDogLady · 06/02/2022 07:58

The longer I leave it the more awkward I feel bringing it up.

Pickles, your H is investing elsewhere. In my view, you should tackle this illicit exchange asap. This OW is in his head and he is flirting, with kisses, and deleting their chat.

You would be very unwise to avoid or sweep this faithless disrespect. It is telling that H knows you feel distressed, yet has failed to reach out with remorse. I would confront him today for answers and inform him that you aren’t prepared to be made a fool of, and that he has much to lose.

Treacletreacle · 06/02/2022 07:58

Sorry to say the longer you leave it the longer he has to come up with a rubbish story to throw you off what has really gone on....talking from past experience. His has deleted what you saw as another way of him denying everything and then the making out your in the wrong will start. I would be texting the number myself and asking what is going on as i doubt your get the truth from him.

twominutesmore · 06/02/2022 08:02

He isn't mentioning it so that you are forced to bring it up, at which point he'll laugh and give his semi-plausible excuse and make you feel ridiculous for asking.

He's left his phone there so you think he hasn't got anything to hide.

He's deleted the messages, even the one you saw, so that he can claim that deleting messages is a perfectly normal and common thing to do.

He probably text her last night after you went to bed - oh fuck, oh just saw our messages.

I expect he'll wriggle out of it and you'll forgive him but at least you have an inkling of what time of man you're married to now.

Inthesameboatatmo · 06/02/2022 08:05

Trust you're gut op you know this is dodgy.

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