To think there is something to this?

[Picklesbaby]

Dh fast asleep on couch . I went on his phone to look at photos of an event a friend had put up (I don’t have social media) opened it up on a message with another woman .
Dh-
“🙈🙈🙈
???
Shouldn’t be messaging you should I 🙈
?? Xx”
I had seen a message with said girl last week , the last text said 6years ago on the date but at the bottom of the chat said “seen Sunday”
He’s been deleting messages hasn’t he ?
I got up & he woke ,asked what I was doing .I told him I was going to bed.I put phone on couch still on this message, so he will have seen that I have seen . don’t know if to be annoyed or relieved he hasn’t followed me.
I feel like I’m being so childish being upset ,we’re a married couple with children for Christ sake .

He will probably get a second phone now

Message her.

Just ask him OP. You have your family to think of and will only worry about this otherwise

Pickles, please don’t allow him to manipulate you by downplaying or blame shifting by accusing you of being silly, unreasonable, paranoid, etc.

Honestly, if my H was flirting and deleting like this, I would show him the door as a consequence to give me space to reevaluate the marriage.

He brought me a cup of tea in bed so I just came out and asked so who is she ? He feigned innocence of course .who , the girl you were messaging . he even got his phone as if to look . I asked him not to treat me like I’m stupid and told him her name . He says he hasn’t seen her for around 7 years and has no idea why he would message her, blamed the bottle of wine he had last night and even asked me what he had put!! . His response was no I shouldn’t be messaging her she is married with 3 kids . And did the usual you can check it I’ve nothing to hide. I just asked him what about me and our kids and left it at that. He’s shown me he has deleted her but I have had my eyes opened I suppose.

No mention that he had a dw and dc then?

I’m sorry pickles. That’s a horrible situation. Hopefully nothing has happened and it’s just him crossing the line but I think if you haven’t been happy with your response from him (which I wouldn’t be, he’s playing dumb) then I would sit him down and ask for the facts and not to bullsh1t you like he is doing already. So rude and disrespectful. Hope you’re ok.

OP,

Good that your eyes are open.

He has potential to cheat, if he hasn't already.

Do you work FT?
What is your financial situation?

In this situation you prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

In this situation I would be telling him, don't let us keep you, you know where the door is if you want to be messaging other women.

Some will say its not cheating but IMO, he has broken his vows by his behaviour and I sure as hell would be protecting myself.1

I'm really sorry OP. His response, treating you as if you're dumb, is almost as bad as him messaging another woman. I'd make sure you're in the best position possible to provide for yourself and the kids, should it come come to it.

So not only has he been caught out, he's now feigning ignorance, trying to make out it's in your head or you're blowing things out if proportion. I'm sorry but the fact he can't even be straight with you when he's been busted says everything you need to know about how much you can trust this man.

Well that would piss me right off. It is possible that he was drunk and just behaving like a Twat as a one off, but I’d be keeping an eye on him and letting him know that his behaviour had forced me to review my trust in him. Deleting messages?? I hate this kind of shit, it’s just so bloody unnecessary

What a shit response. He'd have to assume (even drunk!) that such a message would be very unwelcome to a married mother he hadn't seen in so long, not to mention confusing if nothing had ever happened between them. Makes no sense as an explanation.

I'd have been tempted to message the woman from his phone. Something simple like "How's your morning going?" Just because he gave you such an opportunity. I'd definitely be asking him to leave for the time being, until I felt I'd had an honest answer, and if I were not satisfied by his answer, he wouldn't be coming back.

He did apologise and said he had no idea why he would message her& no recollection. I said he must of to have deleted them but his response was he must of deleted then when he woke up last night, but couldn’t remember it this morning funnily enough. He is certainly minimising it, I am going to leave it atm but have my whits about me. I’m not sure if it’s extreme to say it’s changed the type of man I think he is but only time will tell.
I went back part time after the youngest & started studying.
Kids are 5&1.We’re just renting atm but have a good chunk of money saved for house deposit if I needed it.
He works away most weeks so I will have some time to think I suppose.

OP,

Think hard.
Make sure you have access to that money and your own account to transfer half of it into quickly.

What he has or not done is one thing.

You do know that he is a liar, and that can't but change how you view him.

He is also capable of gaslighting you.

Definitely keep your wits about you and have a copy of any and all paperwork kept somewhere safe.

He won't be so careless again so you may never see anything more. He works away too.

I've been here OP and I would ask yourself to try and zoom out of your life for a minute and really think , he cannot possibly have totally forgotten deleting messages.
I'd be tempted to message her if still possible if you remember her name etc.

Hey OP, sorry you find yourself in this position

So you DH is telling you that he wouldn't message this lady, and then he doesn't remember deleting the message.

But you saw it with your own eyes yes?

You know what you saw. Believe in yourself and take it from there. You deserve the truth at the very least.

I take it its not WhatsApp as last seen is when they were last online

I would message the woman, you've nothing to lose. He's treating you like a fool. I'm so sorry, OP

Find out what happened, you're smarter than him and he will slip up somewhere if you stay watchful. Don't let him take you for a fool. Staying with a cheating partner will take away your confidence and self-respect piece by piece over time, no man is worth that.

It was Facebook messenger ?I don’t have an account so unsure.
There were messages from 2014 just general chit chat . Then a message saying stunning and she had put thanks x xx Dated July 2014
But underneath said “seen Sunday”
Then these messages last night. All are gone now and he has blocked the account. The profile did state that she lives 100s of miles away as he told me.
I believe nothing physical has happened but 100% there has been messages which does make me question his intentions. But I guess I will never know for sure. You are all correct, what i do know is that he had no issues with lying to me.

Where is the respect? Your H clearly feels entitled to humiliate you with his ‘playing dumb’ act and his ‘blaming the wine’ deflection instead of coming clean and taking full responsibility for his wrongdoing. He knew exactly what he was doing when crossing a line with this woman and covering up his disloyalty by deleting their exchanges. You also saw evidence of his subterfuge last week, but still he continues his stonewalling.

It sounds like he has been seeking validation from other women while compartmentalizing and self-justifying it, hence his easy ability to lie to you.

He works away while you carry the responsibilities of your 2 young children, plus everything else. You’ve trusted in his fidelity, loyalty and support to see you through. He has broken that trust, so, for me, moving forward under these circumstances would be untenable.