Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can anyone help me understand this please?

48 replies

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:00

So, I'm confused and genuinely wondering why my ex is behaving as he is.

He was abusive, we had a social worker and his keys were removed by the police over 2yrs ago when he assaulted me.

Since then I have done my utmost to ensure he sees our kid. He had every other weekend and school pick-ups a couple of times a week. I tolerate him and don't put him down. I'm still single and have no romantic interest in anyone currently. I'm happy it being just me and my kid for now.

Last weekend I went away with friends and he made some comment about, "don't forget your condoms!" These are family friends and there was nothing 'dubious' happening. Even if there was, it's none of his business, but I told him it was a weekend away with friends.

Today he calls me for no justifiable reason asking me some pointless question and then says, "Have fun out for lunch with Dave"

"Dave" is a made up name, but this is a man I've been friends with for 15yrs and used to live with in a house share.

I've not told anyone I'm meeting "Dave" but we organised it via Facebook, quite publicly.

My question is, WHY (if he's been stalking me on social media) would he want me to know he has been doing so?! If he asked, I'd just tell him where I was going as my life is so utterly boring and I have nothing to hide. If I was with someone else, I'd just tell him.

I've recently filed for divorce and he's acting really weird.

I suppose my AIBU is, is this normal or some weird control thing? YABU for normal, YANBU for this is really creepy behaviour.

Thanks for reading. I don't have anyone to discuss this with really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:01

To add, he never ever calls me and has only done so now since I told him I've started divorce proceedings.

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 05/02/2022 21:03

Yanbu
He's trying to maintain some control and unsettle you.

WallaceinAnderland · 05/02/2022 21:03

You don't have to tell him anything about your life. You need to scale back the contact. Keep it to messaging/email only and only about your child. The rest is none of his business.

Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:06

So I know I don't need to but I'm honestly an open book. I'm crap at lying and if I'd met someone else I'd just tell him. I don't feel emotionally attached to him at all.

I suppose I don't get why he thinks him telling me that he knows what I'm doing would have any impact and, if so, if it's normal or creepy as fuck?! I'm getting creepy vibes as I'd never even let in if I'd looked at his social media (which I don't).

OP posts:
Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:06

What's he getting out of it and why did he feel compelled to make a phone cal to me when he never calls me?

OP posts:
VelvetChairGirl · 05/02/2022 21:10

YABU for having anything to do with him and not making your social media friends only, he will only try to control you as long as you let him, stop communicating with him and is him having contact with the kids actually safe?

my ex never laid a finger on my son but he still managed to traumatize him with his batshit behaviour.

Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:18

Yeah, I hear what you're saying. I just wonder if I block him and delete, will be just be worse?! I literally have nothing to hide. He seems so massively paranoid.

He loves our kid and is nice and caring in a shallow and convenient way. They're old enough to have a voice and have opinions and seem fine with him.

It's weird because he actually has no control at all. I pay all my own bills and ask for nothing. I don't care if he's around or not. I don't need him. I just want him to have a relationship with our child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:20

I just don't understand the motive behind these actions. What is he getting out of it? My mum seems to think it's just sad but it feels a little sinister in intent to me...

It doesn't paint him in a good light...It just seems paranoid and pathetic so I'm wondering why he'd say anything? Is there a weird psychology behind this?

OP posts:
Newbabynewhouse · 05/02/2022 21:21

Yes of course...its a form of control..you took the control away from him by breaking up, calling the police, filing for divorce..this is his way of feeling like he has a hold over you!

WallaceinAnderland · 05/02/2022 21:23

He shouldn't be taking up this much head space. Who cares what he's thinking, or why he's doing it. It's irrelevant. If you think he is a threat contact the police. Otherwise, block him on social media, block his number for calls and just communicate via email about your child.

Newbabynewhouse · 05/02/2022 21:23

It just makes him feel better i suppose...

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 05/02/2022 21:25

Tell him my God if you had realised Dave was so well endowed years ago you could have been jumping his bones all this time
.

Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:27

WallaceinAnderland it's just weird behaviour. And not that much headspace, DD and I have had a lovely day.

I don't really want to block as I didn't see my Mum and Dad in the same room conversing until I was about 20. I don't care about him but he's really important to our child. Normally if he calls, it's because it's important.

I also recently purchased the car he had on finance and he asked to see a copy of the V5 to "prove" I'd bought it. Just think it's really weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:28

Ahhh, Easterbunnyiswindowshopping I wish I did fancy him but we are firm friends, which he knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:30

Also, love your username WallaceinAnderland

OP posts:
formalineadeline · 05/02/2022 21:30

Abuse is motivated by power and control. He gets a kick out of feeling he has power over you. That's it. Standard abuser motivation, sadly standard abuser behaviour.

The divorce will have made him feel he's lost control, hence this escalation to exert control elsewhere.

Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:36

formalineadeline thank you - this makes sense to me because he's so weird and still seems 'connected' to what I'm doing, even though I couldn't care less what he does as long as our child is happy.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 05/02/2022 21:36

My ex was/can be a bit like this.

Basically he was abusive too, but rather than reflect in his behaviour, he rather think I cheated
so the break up of the family is on me rather than him. So he ‘looks’ for evidence to support this and prove himself right.
He wants to be the victim.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2022 21:36

It's all about control and him trying to keep you under his thumb. He's a sick, vindictive, pathetic man. You need to block him from seeing anything, and if I were you, I would get off of social media entirely. Don't give your abuser the ammunition he needs to make your life hell. You should also never answer personal questions or justify anything to him. Total grey rock and total radio silence unless it's solely about your child.

Freddiefox · 05/02/2022 21:36

Also your moving on, and he’s popping his head up to torment you.

Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:37

So it's just for his own kicks and makes him feel better? I couldn't care less if he knows what I'm doing!

OP posts:
Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:38

I don't want to come across as smug but I reported his behaviour to womens aid as soon as it started. He had warnings and we had a social worker and he didn't stop, so now he's gone.

It's pretty black and white for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:38

Divorce is the only option. I wish him well, but faaaaar away from me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:40

Freddiefox oh, he SOOOO wants to be the victim! You're so right on that!

OP posts:
Nothingsfine · 05/02/2022 21:40

Yes it's a control thing. My ex did it. Told me all the times I'd slagged him off on social media except I hadn't.