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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can anyone help me understand this please?

48 replies

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:00

So, I'm confused and genuinely wondering why my ex is behaving as he is.

He was abusive, we had a social worker and his keys were removed by the police over 2yrs ago when he assaulted me.

Since then I have done my utmost to ensure he sees our kid. He had every other weekend and school pick-ups a couple of times a week. I tolerate him and don't put him down. I'm still single and have no romantic interest in anyone currently. I'm happy it being just me and my kid for now.

Last weekend I went away with friends and he made some comment about, "don't forget your condoms!" These are family friends and there was nothing 'dubious' happening. Even if there was, it's none of his business, but I told him it was a weekend away with friends.

Today he calls me for no justifiable reason asking me some pointless question and then says, "Have fun out for lunch with Dave"

"Dave" is a made up name, but this is a man I've been friends with for 15yrs and used to live with in a house share.

I've not told anyone I'm meeting "Dave" but we organised it via Facebook, quite publicly.

My question is, WHY (if he's been stalking me on social media) would he want me to know he has been doing so?! If he asked, I'd just tell him where I was going as my life is so utterly boring and I have nothing to hide. If I was with someone else, I'd just tell him.

I've recently filed for divorce and he's acting really weird.

I suppose my AIBU is, is this normal or some weird control thing? YABU for normal, YANBU for this is really creepy behaviour.

Thanks for reading. I don't have anyone to discuss this with really.

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VelvetChairGirl · 05/02/2022 21:44

if you blocked him etc he will throw his toys out the pram but if you stand firm he will give up.

my ex did that when I told him to get his crap out of my house, he phoned me 17 times in a day, came knocking at my door, hanged around outside the school and texted me from 7am to after 11pm constantly to call me pathetic etc and threw a hissy fit on facebook messenger which I ignored (that was all in the space of 1 day).

he took his shit in the end, I hear bugger all from him, I have nothing to do with him and neither does our child, he lost interest when he lost control, when I stopped pandering to his threats and BS poor me routines and I started laying down rules on his conduct how he communicated with me and set in stone times to see our child as well as him behaving himself when he did. he didn't like any of that and TBH I am glad he didn't change and just buggered off instead.

Original poster

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:45

Nothingsfine it's so weird and utterly exhausting. I'm not in that space any more. Most of the time I just laugh and shut the door!

I've finished my Masters without his support, and recently got my hair done, got some new clothes and finally gone to the dentist as I now value myself. I think he HATES it.

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VelvetChairGirl · 05/02/2022 21:46

may I recommend the book Why Does He Do That. you can actually find it free to read online.

Original poster

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:46

VelvetChairGirl sometimes I wish he would just move far away or die (I didn't say that but sometimes I don't think it wouldn't be a terrible loss). Is that awful of me?

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Original poster

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:46

Thank you VelvetChairGirl

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shouldistop · 05/02/2022 21:50

I just don't understand the motive behind these actions. What is he getting out of it

He probably just wants to exert a bit of control by unsettling you and making you think about it. Unfortunately it's worked, try to put him out of your mind. I'd definitely block him, who cares if he kicks off.

VelvetChairGirl · 05/02/2022 21:54

@Royalbloo

VelvetChairGirl sometimes I wish he would just move far away or die (I didn't say that but sometimes I don't think it wouldn't be a terrible loss). Is that awful of me?

oh they wont do that sadly my ex moved to about 10 mins walk from my parents house, and when they moved so did he, he's about 15 mins walk from them now (I think have not heard anything in a few years about where he lives).

my ex kept threatening to kill himself or kill other people.

Original poster

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 21:58

Thank you all, I now see this behaviour as a continuation of what he was doing before. It's so weird as I've completely left that space and he's still there!

VelvetChairGirl this is allllll so relevant. I think I may move further away and block him - it's all too close at the moment and he lives two roads away.

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jimpamdwight · 05/02/2022 21:58

It's a form of control like others have said, I don't understand it either but my ex h still does the same thing 3 years after splitting. He was emotionally abusive and stalked me when we split. I have reason to believe he still "stalks" me to a certain extent because he makes comments about my life on things he shouldn't know, I have no social media so it's not through that.

But he also makes similar comments like your condom comment, sexual related stuff, insinuating I'm doing certain things, often really gross things. I try to limit all contact with him but we have young children and try to keep things at normal and civil as possible so there are drop off and pick ups and he'll squeeze these comments in during these times. I don't have much advice, but you're not alone

formalineadeline · 05/02/2022 22:02

I would consider seeking advice from Women's Aid and keeping a record. You may need to reduce the extent to which you're engaging with him.

I appreciate you're in a better place (great!) but that does not mean you are not also potentially at risk and should not take an escalation of abuse seriously.

In an ideal world you wouldn't have to modify your behaviour to protect yourself from him, but unfortunately our world is not ideal.

formalineadeline · 05/02/2022 22:04

If you didn't do the Freedom Programme originally it might also be something to consider now to help you understand and recognise his behaviour so you can protect yourself and your children more effectively / easily.

VelvetChairGirl · 05/02/2022 22:08

@Royalbloo

Thank you all, I now see this behaviour as a continuation of what he was doing before. It's so weird as I've completely left that space and he's still there!

VelvetChairGirl this is allllll so relevant. I think I may move further away and block him - it's all too close at the moment and he lives two roads away.

my ex gives gifts at xmas that are collectable things that he claims will be worth something in the future.

i said to my councilor about how strange it is to give a child collectable things they cant play with. my councilor pointed out that the thinking behind it maybe to keep the item for 20-30 years or so its about keeping himself in a headspace.

Original poster

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 22:23

formalineadeline I sometimes feel at risk. Just because he's bonkers. I did do the freedom programme and I do genuinely feel like I am free, it's just this strange stuff he keeps doing.

I'll chat to womens aid as they were so helpful before. Thank you x

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Original poster

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 22:24

I feel like the better I do in my life, the angrier he gets

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Original poster

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 22:26

VelvetChairGirl it's like they're crap now but they want not to be at some point in the future....?! When?

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VelvetChairGirl · 05/02/2022 22:30

@Royalbloo

VelvetChairGirl it's like they're crap now but they want not to be at some point in the future....?! When?

they really dont care about you or the kids, its just them and their ego that matters.

Original poster

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 22:32

Too true. He's not "coping" so tries anything that may move that pain elsewhere?

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Original poster

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 22:32

It's fucking tragic

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AngryPrincess · 05/02/2022 22:36

Can you block him on facebook?

ToykotoLosAngeles · 05/02/2022 22:39

A family friend's ex-boyfriend does this. She's remained single and is pretty boring (she would say so herself) but he is trying to "save face" by seizing on tiny little things to twist around on her character. So it starts with mentioning the equivalent of Dave, then condom comment, then "See, she couldn't wait to get rid of me and start shagging around". As someone said, he wants to, privately and publicly, make you the reason it ended. Sad, really.

DropYourSword · 05/02/2022 22:41

So, I'm confused and genuinely wondering why my ex is behaving as he is.

He was abusive

You've answered your own question. He is abusive. He likes to control or play games - it's a continuation of that.
You ask what his motivation is - look at how many posts you've written in this thread trying to dissect or understand his behaviour (this isn't a criticism, just pointing it out!). He's succeeding in getting into your head.

Next time he makes any comments like this just "ok". Don't engage. Don't deny you're seeing anyone (I know you aren't seeing Dave, but he just wants you to start justifying yourself to him - don't pick up and pull at the rope he's throwing in front of you). Don't give any of his behaviour or actions any consideration- it's not up to you to understand him anymore, nor care. He's your ex. It's not relevant anymore.
This is all just a continuation of his abuse. You don't have to allow it to continue.

Original poster

Royalbloo · 05/02/2022 22:47

Thank you, you're right. I haven't had any cause to do this for 2.5yrs but I should not care, not trying to work him out.

I'll stop trying as from now. It's not my problem. I was just concerned about an escalation of behaviour, but I'll do something if I need to in the future. For now, distance is needed.

Thank you all x Much appreciated x

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WonderfulYou · 05/02/2022 23:06

Most couples, even if they ended on good terms, don’t have each other on social media and definitely don’t discuss new boyfriends and the things he asked you.

You definitely need to work on your boundaries.
You shouldn’t really be talking about anything other than your shared child.

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