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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How independent are your DC in their 20s with Autism?

31 replies

flashinglightsdisco · 05/02/2022 19:26

Hi everyone is it ok if I I ask how independent your DC in their 20s are if they have ASD? It doesn’t even have to be your kids it could be people you just know. The reason why I’m asking is because I have ASD and I’m in my 20s so wanted to hear other peoples experiences of being a young adult with autism.

OP posts:

Bringsexyback · 05/02/2022 19:29

My daughter lives in a house alone with her cats and attends university. Student digs, even her own flat was too much for her. Since moving into the house ive never seen her happier

Bringsexyback · 05/02/2022 19:30

I do pay the bills though, she pays me a set amount and i make sure nothing is missed

SmithofSilver · 05/02/2022 19:31

I have a stepson with ASD in his 20s. He lives alone and is on disability. As far as I know he spends his days online. We had to find him the accommodation though he is unable to do things like that.

Unfortunately he is an awful person so we are no longer in contact but as far as I am aware his life is takeaways and online gaming. He doesn't have friends or any kind of social life and 95% of his family have nothing to do with him anymore.

cookiemon666 · 05/02/2022 19:31

My son works full time, pays all his own bills and will be moving out of home next year

drspouse · 05/02/2022 19:33

I'm guessing it depends a lot on whether they have a learning disability too?

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 05/02/2022 19:39

Such a wide spectrum but DN lives at home, late twenties. He has a full time office job in a huge hotel (left alone, data processing) but would struggle to live independently. He has to be reminded over his hygiene, changing his clothes and to eat. I fear he would be easily taken advantage of as he’s very naive.

Mabelface · 05/02/2022 19:39

My son lives with me and looks after himself. He'd struggle living on his own, but can live with a partner which he's done in the past.

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 19:42

Friends son is at university, staying in halls and doing really well.

I’m autistic and was doing everything independently at a young age.

My son will need full time care forever. I think do what you can and if you really struggle with certain things then reach out for help

bigbluebus · 05/02/2022 19:44

DS has lived away at Uni for 4 years. Back home at the moment looking for a career position whilst working in a part time retail job. Perfectly capable of looking after himself although needs prodding to do any cleaning around the house. Fantastic cook though.

Tricked2003 · 05/02/2022 19:49

My DH was diagnosed with ASD last year aged 50. When we met he was 32, living alone in his own home and working full time in IT. He had never had a relationship (a few dates here and there) and had suffered depression and had a few issues with bullying at work by a boss.

Wbeezer · 05/02/2022 19:50

Ds2 is 21 and in 4th year at uni, managing well. Has had part time jobs and has friends and can look after himself. Some room for improvement in some self care, buying new clothes, haircuts, nails etc. The opposite of vain! Does wash reasonably often though. Friends but no love life so far, doesnt seem inclined.

tangone · 05/02/2022 19:52

Perhaps people could include whether or not their adult dc had an EHCP and whether they were high needs? Mainstream or special school? ASD is such a wide spectrum as evidenced by the current replies.

Svara · 05/02/2022 19:59

I worked from 15, became a single parent at 22, living out of home for good at 23 (out of home for a few months at a time on and off from 17 as I had a difficult relationship with my parents), my parents moved overseas when I was 24. So as independent as anyone who isn't autistic.

RandomMess · 05/02/2022 20:01

My colleague owns his own home, is well suited to his job. Lives local to his parents and seems to see them regularly but otherwise has a successful independent life.

Svara · 05/02/2022 20:01

@tangone

Perhaps people could include whether or not their adult dc had an EHCP and whether they were high needs? Mainstream or special school? ASD is such a wide spectrum as evidenced by the current replies.

I had a one to one classroom aide in year one, otherwise mainstream.

cheekychaplin · 05/02/2022 20:04

The reason why I’m asking is because I have ASD and I’m in my 20s so wanted to hear other peoples experiences of being a young adult with autism.

I don't think it's particularly helpful to compare yourself to others. Autism or not, people are all very different.

If it any help I thought I was independent in my late teens - early 20s, turned out (looking back as a 40+) that I was vulnerable, out of control and being exploited from many angles. I could tell you I am independent now but the truth is I am mentally worse than I have ever been and heavily rely on my family for day to day things, never mind the bigger stuff.

I think you need to focus on you, get the help you need, and forget other peoples abilities- that isn't helpful to anyone.

SquirrelFan · 05/02/2022 20:12

My son, 20, at uni, is struggling a bit. He gets extra time, etc, but he's not very good at accessing the help he needs, or organising his time. He may need to repeat a year.
He lives in accommodations on his own. He doesn't have friends, really. I do worry about him being naive and easily taken advantage of.

poppaloo · 05/02/2022 20:18

My son couldn't cope with life at all and died by suicide aged 19.

My daughter still lives at home at 21, she is doing ok but won't be independent for a few years yet and still needs a lot of support.

Spud1130 · 05/02/2022 20:18

I clicked on this thread out of curiosity. My son is autistic and currently 3 years old.

Are you happy with your current situation @flashinglightsdisco? Because as a parent, that's all I ever want for my son, for him him be happy. It was my only wish for him that I made at his naming ceremony at 6 months old, so long before his autism diagnosis, but it feels even more important now.

tangone · 05/02/2022 20:22

Poppaloo I’m so sorry

gogohm · 05/02/2022 20:26

Dd is at university, she's in halls. She's older but coping ok, we talk daily and planned her menus before each term (she has the food stockpiled)

spanieleyes · 05/02/2022 20:26

Son lived independently at university for 4 years , then moved back home as he found a job locally. He is training to be a tax accountant and will move out when he earns enough! His house will be a pigsty however as he is the untidiest person I have ever known😢. But he can live independently as long as I'm on the other end of a phone so he can check new things out first!

Lougle · 05/02/2022 20:39

Not there yet, but will be soon. DD1 is 16. She has ASD with moderate learning difficulties. She has always gone to special school and will go to a special unit in a sixth form college in September. She will qualify for local authority transport and will need an escort for that transport. She can't leave the house without an adult and can't be left at home alone. I have just started leaving her with her 14 year old sister to keep an eye on her, but only if she's asleep (having a day time nap) and I am only going to be out of the house for less than 10 minutes. I couldn't/wouldn't leave for longer.

I think she will never be able to be truly independent. Too impulsive and no ability to risk assess situations, or apply learning from one situation to another.

ASD is such a wide spectrum. There's no 'normal' with Autism. Just individuals with individual strengths and weaknesses.

BonnieConnie · 05/02/2022 20:43

Hi OP. ASD can vary so much person to person but this is my story. I have ASD and ADHD and I'm in my 30's. I went away to uni at 18 and really struggled emotionally and was very depressed, I came home after my first year. I moved out when I was 20 but lived a flat on the next street that had a garden backing onto my parents house. This was pure coincidence but was very helpful if I needed a chat with my mum. I went back to uni while living in the flat and had a full time job from 23. I struggled paying bills at first and needed a lot of guidance on that. I basically would blow all my wages on crap without even thinking of the rent and bills I had to pay. I had periods of depression living alone so moved in with a friend just before I I met my now husband.
I have a good job and my own family. I still struggle with procrastination and prioritising certain tasks around the house and can be a bit untidy but we work it out together. I don't enjoy other people coming in my house, I find it very stressful, this has got worse over lockdown. I have a lot of support/understanding from my husband and mum.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 05/02/2022 21:01

My son is in Uni and lives with me. He refuses to stay alone at night. Si I cannot leave him L( but he is studying full time. Gaming a lot. I think he will struggle to live alone atm. Hopefully things will change as he gets older, he is 21

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