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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend’s dinner invitation

86 replies

ChorltonCreamery · 05/02/2022 10:34

I want opinions about my feelings and want to know if I am mad.
Been with my husband a few years and like most people I imagine go out together and separately. I tend to go out with other women he tends to go out with other men with an exception being a hobby which has both men and women.
Well I know this woman from school who coincidentally is a close friend of my cousin’s but whose kids are not in the same year. Her kids are in wraparound so she isn’t in playground but when I see her we have a lovely chat and she was at my cousin’s 40th.
Last week she was at school and she asked me to come round last night. I was really happy and was looking forward to it. I imagined it was going to be a few mum friends.
I got there and it was a full on dinner party with a couple and a few single friends including men.
I found myself feeling really really uncomfortable because I was out in that setting with men who weren’t my husband. She was very hospitable and it was genuinely a nice evening but I felt weird about it. I genuinely don’t think of myself as some Stepford Wife but I couldn’t shake off my awkwardness. Am I mad? Can’t tell my real friends in case I am mad! Would you feel weird or is it just me?

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 05/02/2022 22:01

A night out with colleagues or sports team or similar could be mixed, no problem

A night out with other couples, I'd expect my DH to be invited, although I might go on my own, due to childcare

I'm surprised so many PP are saying they think otherwise

T00Ts · 05/02/2022 22:19

I found myself feeling really really uncomfortable because I was out in that setting with men who weren’t my husband

I’m concerned you felt ‘really really uncomfortable’ simply being in the presence of other men because your husband wasn’t there. Are you afraid he’ll be angry? How old are you?

T00Ts · 05/02/2022 22:20

Oh bugger. I opened this thread a while ago and got sidetracked. I’d not read everything.

Momijin · 05/02/2022 22:26

It is weird. When we have a night out it is either a girls night or husbands/partners invited too. Obviously they can come without their partners but if it is with partners too then they're both invited. Does she know you have a husband?

CorsicaDreaming · 05/02/2022 22:29

@ChorltonCreamery

No cultural factors whatsoever, I have no idea why I felt like I did. Weird!
@ChorltonCreamery I can understand why you found it a bit weird. If it was for a proper meal I'd generally have thought she'd invite you for it as a couple. Especially if other men were being invited.

So I'd have assumed something less formal and possibly all women/other Mum’s if she didn't also invite your DH.
My book group is all women - but if we do a meal with other men we would invite our partners as well.

Or maybe I'm just weird too!! 🤨

Bellysmackers · 05/02/2022 22:31

I'd feel weird 😕 I'd have felt more comfortable as a married woman taking husband if there were other couples there

Gwenhwyfar · 05/02/2022 22:39

@Momijin

It is weird. When we have a night out it is either a girls night or husbands/partners invited too. Obviously they can come without their partners but if it is with partners too then they're both invited. Does she know you have a husband?
Why can't you have a night out with male and female friends? In your situation, if you have male friends you can't see them at all, but your friends' lesbian partners are allowed to both types of nights?
Momijin · 05/02/2022 22:44

Well, I have belonged to groups with mixed sexes and we either do stuff on our own or with partners or a mix but partners are invited.

Summerfun54321 · 05/02/2022 22:49

I’m very comfortable mixing with men and women but typically we do couples or non couples events, not just a mix when some people’s partners are invited and others aren’t. Seems a bit strange to not include all partners in the invitation.

VivX · 05/02/2022 23:10

I think I would have initially found it a little strange - because why invite both halves of some couples but not others...
But, when you think about it, there is no logical reason why she had to invite your husband.

Anyway, I think it is quite positive that she a) invited you and b) saw you as a separate person and not one half of a couple and c) you didn't allow your "weirded-out" feelings stop you from having a nice time. So wins all round, really.

greenlynx · 05/02/2022 23:10

I suppose it’s about expectations. I would expect the set up to be clear: married couples, or all mums, or all runners from the Sunday group or all colleagues. The set up was not clear. OP was on her own but she’s not single, others who had partners were with them but she was without. She knew this woman as a mum from school but it wasn’t a group of mums. So OP was a bit confused and felt weird.

InisnaBro · 05/02/2022 23:49

This is a weirdly dispiriting thread — do people really live lives where it’s either ‘just mums’/‘girls’ night out’ or something where people can only be invited with their spouse as chaperone?

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 00:37

I can see if you were expecting mum friends for pizza and a relaxed chat and it turned out to be a dinner party, that would be surprising, but I can’t see that it matters that men were there.

Assuming there weren’t a pile of car keys in bowl on the kitchen counter, ofc..

Frannibananni · 06/02/2022 00:42

I would have expected it to be just Mums tbh. Not a full on dinner party

toomuchlaundry · 06/02/2022 00:48

I wouldn’t see it as DH bring invited as a chaperone if we were both invited to something, I would see it as being invited as a couple, both of us being equal.

I would find it strange to be invited on my own if other couples had been invited. I suppose it could be that she knew both people making up the couple (eg they both do the school run) whereas she hasn’t met your DH so didn’t invite him

Blueberryflavour · 06/02/2022 00:58

The only thing that’s “odd” about this is that your friend has friends not male friends or female friends just friends and 2 of them are in a relationship and your DH is not one of her friends. She makes a new friend you, and includes you when she invites her friends round for a meal. You now know this about her so won’t be surprised at the people mix if you accept another invitation from her.

UniversalAunt · 06/02/2022 01:40

I would be slightly disconcerted that I went round expecting a major snack & chinwag, instead to find a bunch of new people & a bigger scoff. More talking & more eating than I expected. Also I might not have my ‘meet new people’ socks on, let alone my most fetchin’ hair piece.

But then I am very old & tire quickly of people who do not hold my interest, so have to build up my energies before a social blast.

Being round people without the OH? Hmmm, not a worry, but each to their own.

notanothertakeaway · 06/02/2022 07:41

@InisnaBro

This is a weirdly dispiriting thread — do people really live lives where it’s either ‘just mums’/‘girls’ night out’ or something where people can only be invited with their spouse as chaperone?
@InisnaBro

It's not that I would need a chaperone, and I'm comfortable socialising without my DH, but if other people's partners were invited, I would wonder why mine hadn't been

Mellowyellow222 · 06/02/2022 08:02

I recall going on a business trip with a male colleague and going for food that evening.

He kept on going on and on about being out for dinner with a female that isn’t his wife.

He made it really awkward and made me think he is sexist and can’t accept females in the workplace or as individuals.

I find it odd that people in a couple have weird rules about when they can do things alone and when their spouses need to be there.

MsTSwift · 06/02/2022 08:05

Can see why you think it’s odd. If it’s a couple thing and your invited alone that is weird. Girls night women only is a different night.

Also I irrationally detest the phrase “a bite to eat”

GreenFingeredNell15 · 06/02/2022 08:22

I can completely understand what you mean, OP.

Usually you socialise single sex or with partners.

You were invited to a hotchpotch(female, male, partners) dinner party which you didn't realise was going to be a dinner party

That is not the norm for you and it would have thrown the heck out of me too

You're not weird

PurplePattern · 06/02/2022 10:49

@GreenFingeredNell15

I can completely understand what you mean, OP.

Usually you socialise single sex or with partners.

You were invited to a hotchpotch(female, male, partners) dinner party which you didn't realise was going to be a dinner party

That is not the norm for you and it would have thrown the heck out of me too

You're not weird

I second the above. You're not weird! Wink
TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/02/2022 10:55

I wonder if the purpose of the meal really was to set up two of the single people, and the rest of you were there as camouflage (and good company?)

AlexaShutUp · 06/02/2022 10:55

50% of humans are male. I can't imagine why you would think that it was inappropriate to socialise with half of the population.

You weren't going out on a date with one of them. That would have been inappropriate. You were just socialising in a group of people. I do not see why their sex is remotely relevant.

Chocomelon · 06/02/2022 11:03

Was it weird for you because your husband was not invited or was it just weird because there were men there? It sounds a bit odd.

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