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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend’s dinner invitation

86 replies

ChorltonCreamery · 05/02/2022 10:34

I want opinions about my feelings and want to know if I am mad.
Been with my husband a few years and like most people I imagine go out together and separately. I tend to go out with other women he tends to go out with other men with an exception being a hobby which has both men and women.
Well I know this woman from school who coincidentally is a close friend of my cousin’s but whose kids are not in the same year. Her kids are in wraparound so she isn’t in playground but when I see her we have a lovely chat and she was at my cousin’s 40th.
Last week she was at school and she asked me to come round last night. I was really happy and was looking forward to it. I imagined it was going to be a few mum friends.
I got there and it was a full on dinner party with a couple and a few single friends including men.
I found myself feeling really really uncomfortable because I was out in that setting with men who weren’t my husband. She was very hospitable and it was genuinely a nice evening but I felt weird about it. I genuinely don’t think of myself as some Stepford Wife but I couldn’t shake off my awkwardness. Am I mad? Can’t tell my real friends in case I am mad! Would you feel weird or is it just me?

OP posts:

Devilmakes3 · 05/02/2022 11:19

A friend of mine has these types of soirées or at least she did before covid. Usually (then) my husband has minded the kids and I have gone alone. I think inviting some couples but you alone is pretty strange but on the other hand I think it is fine chatting to random men in the absence of your husband. I work in a sector dominated by men so for me having male friends is very usual.

DHCaughtMeSoNC · 05/02/2022 11:19

It could be that she doesn't know your husband?

InisnaBro · 05/02/2022 11:37

‘A bite to eat’ just means ‘I will serve you food, not just peanuts with drinks)’, it doesn’t imply anything about whether it’s a lasagne and bagged salad at the kitchen island, or three courses and cheese, or about the number or sex of those invited, though.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 05/02/2022 11:39

Is there a religious aspect to this? Because I cannot understand why you would feel uncomfortable having a group dinner which included men just because your weren't chaperone by your husband. Unless there is some cultural issue which you've been brought up in.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 05/02/2022 11:41

Sorry, you've answered my question already.

Then I really dont understand. You dont need a chaperone. You can be around men. How odd of you to think otherwise.

I totally understand the surprise you felt at a full on fancy dinner party when you were expecting a sandwich and a chat though. But the men thing... no idea what's going on in your head there.

Original poster

ChorltonCreamery · 05/02/2022 12:14

I live a perfectly normal life and men who are not related to me feature in it. My discomfort however had nothing to do with arriving to find something different than what I was expecting it was definitely related to an arbitrary (perfectly delightful) group of people. People are commenting on my needing to be chaperoned, I definitely didn’t feel that, didn’t feel unsafe or I was being set up of anything. I felt weird and now I feel weird about feeling weird! Anyway I will get on with my day. Thank you.

OP posts:

Dumblebum · 05/02/2022 12:18

This is highly unusual. And I also would have assumed it was cultural where you don’t feel you’re permitted to socialise with men who aren’t your husband or if he’s not there.

Is there a back story? Are you in a controlling relationship? Would your husband take issue with it?

EarringsandLipstick · 05/02/2022 12:21

OP, I get it (& the MN bingo of head-tilting confusion, 'controlling relationships' and whether it's a cultural issue is out in force on this thread).

It's probably a sense of displacement - you had expected a group of women, other mums, a bit of a chat & some food. When you arrived, it was a different setting than you expected, more formal, different make-up, and that changed the context. Nothing to do with men being there, nothing to do with any of the people there

Original poster

ChorltonCreamery · 05/02/2022 12:22

@Dumblebum God no. Absolutely not. He’s laughing at me…. Like everyone on here! No idea why I felt/feel weird.

OP posts:

MaChienEstUnDick · 05/02/2022 12:32

I would have felt weird. A coupley dinner party isn't what you were expecting, everyone else's DH/DW was there, you just feel a bit weird.

Postitmug · 05/02/2022 12:38

I'd have felt weird too OP. I don't think I'd invite one half of a couple to a dinner party. Why not invite both? If I get together with a friend without their other half it's just the two of us, or a group that has some sort of meaning - a girls night, or a group from a hobby. I wouldn't invite a bunch of completely unconnected people to dinner, and some of them invited without their husband or wife, for no particular reason!

Also when I invite someone to get together I make it clear what's going on, so in this case I'd maybe have said "I'm having a bunch of people round for a bite to eat. Would you and (your OH) like to come? I think you'd get on really well with so and so."

Twinstudy · 05/02/2022 12:40

I think I'd feel a bit weird too op, and I say that as someone on their way to meet a mixed sex group of friends for lunch without DH. But we're all going out without partners, if it was a coupley thing I'd expect to at least invite DH, if he didn't want to come I'd go without him but I'd ask him to something 'coupley'. Nothing to do with needing a chaperone

Ourlady · 05/02/2022 12:41

Definitely weird to invite you and not your husband.

dreamingbohemian · 05/02/2022 12:42

I found myself feeling really really uncomfortable because I was out in that setting with men who weren’t my husband

SERIOUSLY???

Dumblebum · 05/02/2022 12:43

@Twinstudy

That’s not what she said. She said a couple. Singular. With then the others on their own.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/02/2022 12:43

This reminds me of a woman I know who was annoyed she hadn't been introduced to a new group. She said that it would normally be her husband who would introduce himself and then introduce her as his wife so she could never just introduce herself. This was 15 years ago though, the woman was very old and not British.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/02/2022 12:50

[quote ChorltonCreamery]@Dumblebum God no. Absolutely not. He’s laughing at me…. Like everyone on here! No idea why I felt/feel weird.[/quote]
Not everyone is laughing at you! I see where you are coming from.

thing47 · 05/02/2022 12:54

I'm not laughing either. But maybe it was not the presence of men which threw you so much as the set-up being very different from what you had expected/anticipated?

Shoxfordian · 05/02/2022 12:57

I don’t really see the problem op
She sounds nice though

diddl · 05/02/2022 13:18

"I found myself feeling really really uncomfortable because I was out in that setting with men who weren’t my husband"

Yeah that's weird imo.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 05/02/2022 13:46

I think sometimes we get a jolt when a situation is not quite what we were expecting. That’s what happened here. We can’t always place why we feel unsettled. It’s good to explore those feelings. It’s ok to feel “weird” and explore why you are feeling like that.

I recall many years ago now when I had concluded a professional project with 5 other people (mixed sex group) that one us suggested we have dinner out together to celebrate its successful completion. One of the group said they felt uncomfortable doing that without their spouse. It has stayed with me as as I found it quite odd. I don’t think, OP, that you are like this. I think the evening is just not what you were expecting and you felt unsettled by that. I often use the word “unsettled”! I think it is frequently quite apt. Not full on anxious. Not upset. Just slightly displaced from where you feel comfortable for a little while. It’s a perfectly human response and quite healthy to believe to juggle things up from time to time.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 05/02/2022 13:46

I believe not “to believe”.

coconutpie · 05/02/2022 14:29

I find this weird too. She invited you around and guests included a couple and single men, plus you. I can see why you'd feel uncomfortable - it's almost like she's organising a sort of singles mixing event inviting all the single men plus you on your own!! I know you said another couple were invited but it's just all a bit odd.

Fairylightsongs · 05/02/2022 14:54

@coconutpie

Oh my she never said that either. She said a couple singular with a few single people. Ie like her, not accompanied by a partner, and she said including men, which means women were also there, 😂

InisnaBro · 05/02/2022 20:01

@MaChienEstUnDick

I would have felt weird. A coupley dinner party isn't what you were expecting, everyone else's DH/DW was there, you just feel a bit weird.

They weren’t, though. The OP says the guests consisted of ‘a couple and several single friends, including men’. It sounds as if there were more non-coupled up people than couples.

Apparently it was the presence of men that freaked out the OP..?

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