AIBU to think dead people’s letters should die with them?

[Hyggemama]

Just curious what people’s opinions are on this after having an experience which made me a bit uncomfortable.
Background: When elderly relatives of mine died recently some other relatives took it upon themselves to trawl through their historic personal letters. Granted some were circa 1930s/40s so had really interesting first hand accounts of historical events. However I also felt that a lot was probably very private and deeply personal, e.g. those written during teenaged years. I wouldn’t want my future relatives to be reading WhatsApps I sent when I was 15. But on the other hand dead people can’t be mortified can they?!
Anyway, I’d be interested to know do you think… please vote
YANBU: it’s an invasion of privacy, personal correspondence should not be read by others after death.
YABU: Out of respect for their lives / history I actually want to find out as much as I can and am entitled to read through their letters etc

@saraclara I tore put a few pages of my teenage diary when I was around 35. Exactly for this reason: so no-one would read it when I die.

I now keep a diary for myself and my daughter. My mum died 12 years before I had her and if that happens to me then I want dd to have a snapshot of what it was like for me when she was a baby/ growing up. So I do write with that in mind: that she might read it someday.

Saraclara if you don't want them to be read do it sooner rather than later

@saraclara

I think this is a very black and white area. You either value privacy or you don't.

The problem is that after death, those who don't value it don't seem to even consider what the deceased might have wanted.

As for getting rid of stuff you don't want others to read, when exactly do you do it? Many people die suddenly (or at least with not a lot of warning) and at all sorts of ages.
In on my mid 60s. Do I destroy everything now and deprive myself if it for possibly another twenty years or so?

And of course our digital conversations would need constantly deleting in case we get run over by a bus after one of them.

I agree with you.

I have private letters from an old lover that I’ve kept, they remind me of a very simple and extremely happy time in my life, I am still in touch with him and I occasionally take the letters out and read them. I reminisce fondly while doing so. Why should I deprive myself of that now, and for the rest of my life (hopefully a few decades) because someone in the future won’t respect my privacy?

I’m a deeply private person and hate the thought of people intruding into areas of my life where their intrusion isn’t welcome.

I agree with you OP I'd hate people reading my personal letters

Cassandra Austen burned three thousand (approx) letters from Jane Austen. I understand why, but am retrospectively furious at her for it.

I agree with a period of privacy before reading, maybe 20 years, but to destroy them is destroying first person accounts of history.

I disagree also. They are amazing to read and very much a treasured possession. I write in a journal and would want someone to read it after I die but not while I am alive.

It is important for memories and just knowing and understanding that person more.

It is a piece of history.

@saraclara

If you have letters that contain explicit details of your life that you want kept private then I suggest you destroy them.

Again, when?

Exactly. Therein lies the problem. My husband died, suddenly, a few years ago at 47. He had some letters, pictures, newspaper clippings etc from way before I met him, when he was just 24. Most of it I got rid of…looking at it could only have lead to questions I would never get an answer to, and it would have been a huge intrusion of privacy. I kept things in my handwriting, because they’re a comfort to have around, in a memory box. But I don’t really want anyone to read them when I’m dead, and I’d hope that whoever has to sort them out takes the same approach as I did.

It’s an interesting one. When my dad died, I found lots of letters between him and my mum when they were first getting together and initially it felt amazing to have that connection. But then I got to ones where they’d had arguments and were talking about things they’d done wrong (including ruining a major occasion) and I found it really, really upsetting. I guess I’d had this idealised version of their marriage and it was worse because I couldn’t find out the context or what happened next etc. Obviously everything worked out because they were together happily for many years but I stopped reading them because I felt like I was torturing myself. He was also a very private man so I felt a lot of guilt reading them too.

I realise this is mostly about my thoughts/feelings, which is bad!

@Tryingtokeepgoing sorry for your loss. Yes I think leading to questions you can never get an answer to is really hard.

It's a tricky one. DH and I met at 17 and wrote each other letters constantly, particularly when we were at separate universities. As I recall, lots of gossip and jokes, but toe curling romantic stuff too They are all packed away in a box and haven't been looked at for 50 years ( just had our golden wedding) I can't bring myself to get rid of them, but feel really odd at the thought of our DDs reading them. In a way because I think it would be very sad for them. I really don't know.

We found the letters my grandad wrote to my grandma when she was in hospital having my mum. They were lovely to read. And I was at him going to other peoples houses to have a hot dinner cooked for him. But it was 1953!

Hmm. I think that one of the drives of diary writing is the unconscious desire to survive our own deaths in some form.

However, I have no evidence for this hypothesis so may be talking out of my arse.

Letters are different I suppose.

Yabu.

We found the letter my grandad sent my nana after the woman who bullied her kicked her in the stomach. This sent her into premature labour and her little boy was born very disabled. He died when he was around 4.

We found it very comforting, it also explained a lot about why she was the way she was (( she'd always favoured boys in the family)) and put a lot of ghosts and resentment to rest.

Yabu. It's another layer of connection & either have it in a box labelled destroy do not read or destroy it yourself

My paternal grandmother died young, before my parents even met. Somebody gave my dad a letter that my grandmother had written to them. It was just mundane “news” but something she wrote (ranting about a CF) made me laugh because it could have been written by me - I could just see my reaction being exactly the same. It made me feel really close to this woman who died 10 years before I was born.

My grandmother kept a diary from childhood, she destroyed them a week before she died ( she wasn’t unwell, she had a sudden stroke, so the timing was strange).
I feel really sad that she did this, I would like to have them very much.
I have a box of all my parents love letters from when they were courting, and I haven’t read them as it feels intrusive, I think I am too close. I want my daughters to have them though.

My mum kept my dad’s WWII letters to her in a bundle tied with red ribbon.
I had every intention of placing them in her casket to be buried with her, but in my grief and with all the other planning, I forgot.
That bundle is now in a trunk with other family things, unread. Those letters are sacred.

I did read an article yesterday about a letter Edward wrote about an affair Albert (King George) was having with a married woman and Edward’s laughing about his attempts to facilitate it - going up for auction.
I felt so bad for Her Majesty, having something so private being sold off like it was a teacup.

I regularly write a journal to help with my MH but I also regularly burn/bury/otherwise destroy them. I don't want my relatives knowing my innermost thoughts! They would be shocked!

As for letters/postcards I throw them away once they've served a purpose. I have an anonymous Twitter account and nothing I say on WhatsApp is of any interest to anyone except the person receiving it (and even then it might only be to remind them to get bread and milk from the shop).

I agree @downbad, it's a tricky one with no right or wrong answer to the original question.
My mum kept a diary all her life and I think she used it a bit like therapy, as someone said. I don't know for sure as I didn't read them. Before she died she was very clear that she wanted them destroyed and so that's what happened. I did keep a couple from when she first met my dad at 18 but I really didn't want to read any of her thoughts about me or other family members. We had a good relationship and I didn't want to read a criticism or misunderstanding because I would have churned that over, probably out of all proportion. I like to hold on to what I feel we had. I did feel some angst when they were destroyed but I also felt I'd honoured her wishes.

On the other hand, my dad took me completely by surprise one day about 20 years ago when he produced his father's diary from 1917 when he was a soldier serving in the trenches! I didn't even know it existed and, as he'd died aged 47 I never knew him. Despite it being mostly mundane stuff mixed with occasional drama (!) it's fascinating as a record but, more importantly, it's the only tangible connection with a grandfather I never met. His description of a week back home, going to the picture house with his sister, having a party etc really brings him to life.

The famous diaries are valuable in so many ways and interesting to read but people's personal thoughts aren't necessarily for wider consumption.

Been a while since I implemented GDPR in my company but if I remember rightly, privacy law isn’t applicable to dead people. Because they’re no longer around to be disadvantaged or embarrassed.

She said repeatedly she wanted to be an author and that she wanted people to know what had happened. She understood her diaries might be a historical resource and kept them with this in mind recording more than just her own feelings

Her father published them after the war ended
They are the saddest thing I have ever read but I am grateful that he shared his daughters legacy with the world

We need to learn from history in order to not repeat our mistakes

The quote got lost but that was to the poster who said Anne Franks diaries felt like an invasion of privacy

I think if it's a relative you knew it would probably feel more invasive than if it were one you didn't, so Nana vs Great great Aunt. I think the feeling of invasion comes from imagining the person knowing you know

Just bought a second hand nightstand. Removed the drawer and found cards from wife to husband and handmade cards from grandkids to grandad... Managed to track down the previous owner. Man died 15 months ago and his widower is so happy to be receiving them back. Sentiment is very dear to some people