AIBU to think dead people’s letters should die with them?

[Hyggemama]

Just curious what people’s opinions are on this after having an experience which made me a bit uncomfortable.
Background: When elderly relatives of mine died recently some other relatives took it upon themselves to trawl through their historic personal letters. Granted some were circa 1930s/40s so had really interesting first hand accounts of historical events. However I also felt that a lot was probably very private and deeply personal, e.g. those written during teenaged years. I wouldn’t want my future relatives to be reading WhatsApps I sent when I was 15. But on the other hand dead people can’t be mortified can they?!
Anyway, I’d be interested to know do you think… please vote
YANBU: it’s an invasion of privacy, personal correspondence should not be read by others after death.
YABU: Out of respect for their lives / history I actually want to find out as much as I can and am entitled to read through their letters etc

This is why it's important to clear things out regularly!
My Mum gave me a box of childhood stuff recently and it contains letters and diaries from when I was a teenager. They were so cringy, contained information I don't want my children knowing ever, so I threw them out.

I have letters my great grandmother wrote to my gg grandmother while she was in service. I also have letters my DGGM's sons wrote to her while they were serving in WW2. They are a fascinating part of history.

My husband has kept every letter I wrote to him while he was in Afganistan, I have kept the letters he returned. I don't mind if the DCs want to read them in the future, they are a part of their history. I also don't mind if they want to get rid of them, I don't want them to feel beholden to stuff.

My girls were very young (6&8) when their beloved grandfather (my stepfather) passed away suddenly, they're now 20 & 22 and love reading his old diaries which are full of anecdotes & stories about them.

As they were so young their memories of him are limited, the diaries help fill in the gaps and trigger memories they may have forgotten over time.

I think that once you're dead, you're dead and therefore you won't be affected by people reading your letters and diaries etc. but destroying them would be almost like destroying their memories. A lot of what we know about history comes from first hand sources such as letters and diaries and it would be a shame to lose that.

If I were in possession of truly mortifying letters that I don't want relatives reading when I die, I'd either dispose of them long before then, or I'd instruct a trusted friend or family member to dispose of them for me after I die. I don't think most people care that much otherwise they'd have got rid of them years ago.

Also don't you think an elderly person with letters from 1930s-40s would be aware that they are of historical value by this point and deliberately be keeping them for a future generation to take care of?

A huge amount of our historical knowledge must come from personal letters. As long as things are treated respectfully and a reasonable amount of time has passed since the death, I think it’s ok. I agree that people ought to destroy anything they don’t want to be read in future.

My mum died 26 years ago when I was 23. I'd walk into a burning building to get the letters she wrote to me when I was away at college out. I also have a letter that my grandfather (in Libya in WW2) to his brother (in the Faroe Islands) telling him he'd received a letter from my gran telling him my dad had started walking and he was "over the moon". It's my little link to much loved family who are no longer here.

There's a twitter feed called Letters Of Note which is great - some are funny, sad, beautiful.

Maybe, but they might keep them around because they bring them comfort rather than seeing themselves as a custodian of the letters for later generations. And that comfort isn't something you would give up because you expect to kick the bucket in coming months/ years.

Unless you have been gifted them in an inheritance, how do you know that you haven't taken something essential that you were never invited to see?

I got rid of my teenage diaries and ex-boyfriend love letters for that reason.

I kept the funny letters from my friends at school and a few nice letters I wanted to keep.

I did it when I was on maternity leave because I couldn't bear the thought of my future child knowing what an idiot I was!

My family have old family letters and postcards from my grandparents and beyond, but nothing on the same scale of embarrassing.

They are really important for family history, social history etc. I absolutely treasure the letters my great grandfather sent home saying he was being sent out in WW1, send fresh underpants and the sad letters following the death of their baby son.

I would assume anything really scandalous would not have been kept.

I’d be more mortified about the drawer in the kitchen full of crap I’ve been meaning to sort for years than any kind of letter. My correspondence isn’t a patch on the general embarrassing shite in my house.

@ShavingTheBadger

My mum died 26 years ago when I was 23. I'd walk into a burning building to get the letters she wrote to me when I was away at college out. I also have a letter that my grandfather (in Libya in WW2) to his brother (in the Faroe Islands) telling him he'd received a letter from my gran telling him my dad had started walking and he was "over the moon". It's my little link to much loved family who are no longer here.

There's a twitter feed called Letters Of Note which is great - some are funny, sad, beautiful.

The letter about your dad having started to walk is so sweet! So lovely to realise that people have had the same joys and worries throughout the ages - I sent a video of my eldest walking to about 20 different people over WhatsApp, I can totally see how it would merit a mention in intercontinental snail mail during the war

Recently found among the possessions of a close family member a letter from the 60s that we wish we had never clapped eyes on. Tragic contents that really affected our view of the dead and their marriage.

I think it’s the amount of digital footprint that makes it feel strange. When letters were written they would have taken time to craft it which is so different to instant WhatsApp conversation. There is an NI comedian called paddy raff who does a sketch imagining what would happen if all digital information is lost and a historian in the future analysing an retrieved section of Facebook. I can’t seem to link if you Google paddy raff profiles of the past bbc the section should come up.

@saraclara
I actually hated reading Anne Frank's diary. She didn't intend it to be read by the likes of me and it felt intrusive.

If you read it again, you'll realise that she absolutely did. She started it as a normal teenage diary, but realised that it would be a suitable historic document and went back over it, editing it through the war and rewriting it many times to make it suitable for publication. She heard a BBC broadcast about Mass Observation and how they were collecting personal diaries and writings about wartime experiences and from then on began editing her work with the express intention of making it publishable. She wanted people to know what it was like. There are several published versions based on different versions - the original, the edited and an amalgamation of them.

@ShavingTheBadger

My mum died 26 years ago when I was 23. I'd walk into a burning building to get the letters she wrote to me when I was away at college out. I also have a letter that my grandfather (in Libya in WW2) to his brother (in the Faroe Islands) telling him he'd received a letter from my gran telling him my dad had started walking and he was "over the moon". It's my little link to much loved family who are no longer here.

There's a twitter feed called Letters Of Note which is great - some are funny, sad, beautiful.

I'm sorry that you lost your mum so young. But those letters were sent to you. So of course you should have them and read them, along with any that you sent her.

But I don't think that I should read my parents love letters. And I don't want my kids to read my letters to their late dad and I certainly don't want them reading every WhatsApp or messenger post I've ever made.

It’s absolutely an invasion of privacy but I’d still need to read them and find out about the history.
I would HATE someone to read through my texts though.

I don’t think diaries are meant to be read. Aren’t they just a way to put your thoughts and feelings down on paper, a bit like talking to a therapist or on here - it’s reflecting on the day.

I would definitely read them.

It is so interesting that there are such a broad and strong range of views. I’m glad I asked as it definitely isn’t straight cut!

In my own experience, the last person surviving in the relationship had dementia for years so their property was fairly disordered when they passed. Arguments that they would have sorted the private from the shareable are a bit null in this scenario but I agree applicable to most. Of course many also have the foresight to bin anything particularly incriminating or embarrassing years before. But as a few have found, some very personal letters and even stuff that can tarnish memories can get through.

It is lovely to hear how cherished many letters are. It puts me in a mind to write more letters for my own future generations to keep in the same way, lest they have to go by my Facebook / insta posts to build a less than favourable impression of their (once beloved) deceased.

Should Samuel Pepys diaries be hidden away too?

I think this is a very black and white area. You either value privacy or you don't.

The problem is that after death, those who don't value it don't seem to even consider what the deceased might have wanted.

As for getting rid of stuff you don't want others to read, when exactly do you do it? Many people die suddenly (or at least with not a lot of warning) and at all sorts of ages.
In on my mid 60s. Do I destroy everything now and deprive myself if it for possibly another twenty years or so?

And of course our digital conversations would need constantly deleting in case we get run over by a bus after one of them.

@StoneofDestiny

Should Samuel Pepys diaries be hidden away too?

He wrote them to be read. But even if he hadn't, if he'd destroyed then we'd not miss them because we wouldn't have known they existed.

We've probably 'missed out' on millions of people's diaries and letters. So what?

I have a few fabulous letters from the 60's, sent to and from my siblings. They absolutely echo the phrase "show me a boy at 7, and I will show you the man" the sense of humour hasn't changed, when my eldest DB died it was so lovely to read the letters again.
If you have letters that contain explicit details of your life that you want kept private then I suggest you destroy them.

If you have letters that contain explicit details of your life that you want kept private then I suggest you destroy them.

Again, when?

I’ve totally always assumed that any letters and diaries of mine will be read after my death! Even since I was a kid I’ve addressed my diaries to hypothetical future descendants, sometimes even writing directly to them and invite them to reflect on whether my speculations turned out as I expected or not. I’ve kept cards and letters, again imagining others reading them. It never occurred to me someone might think it an invasion of privacy - they would soon be relieved, I think, if they read my diaries, since I clearly assume they’ll be reading them.

I burnt the diaries from my teenage years myself. Anything left is stuff I don’t mind being read.