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AIBU?

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Original poster

How would a school deal with death of a former student?

86 replies

whatandthesky · 04/02/2022 19:05

Someone who left secondary school around 10 years ago has suddenly died, he went to the school from the start of year 7 all the way to sixth form. How would you expect the school who this person went to to handle their death. By that I mean should the school be informed and if told how would the school react? Would they send a representative to the funeral?

The person who has sadly passed away is not someone I know but someone a friend went to school with. I'm asking because my friend is wondering if she should let the school know about his death.

OP posts:

LIZS · 04/02/2022 19:28

If the family was still connected to the school ie. Siblings attending they probably would acknowledge it. Otherwise maybe let staff know and invite family to mention in annual newsletter/online alumnae ste.

CoffeeRunner · 04/02/2022 19:28

I think it would be quite odd, sorry. Sadly, several of my year group at secondary school passed way too soon.

The school didn't represent at the funerals as I recall.

freecuthbert · 04/02/2022 19:29

No, not after 10 years you would let the school know, surely. When I was at school we had a mass for a former student, but he had only just left and his death was sudden and unexpected. Another former student was murdered about 2 years after they left the school so again a school mass. But even in those situations, I don't think the former students' parents rang up the school to tell them about it, more that school staff found out from the papers and such.

NotYourOscarSpeech · 04/02/2022 19:31

NC from my usual as this is very outing.

Grace Millane, who was murdered n New Zealand, was a pupil at a school I used to work at, I think 3 or so years beforehand. As it was a Catholic school it had a chapel and we designed a stained glass window in her memory. In the short term there was a remembrance “gathering” for want of at better word for the girls who knew her at school and I believe her family also attended and were very touched by this.

It wasn’t glossed over but addressed head on in assemblies, again with a focus on faith and prayer. Whatever your inclinations that way I think it was handled very sensitively and respectfully.

LucyFox · 04/02/2022 19:31

If the student was known to existing students (eg left last year, had friends in year below) or might be known to existing students via sibling (e.g. sibling is currently at the school) then that’s a very different situation to the child that left 10 years ago – 1/2 of the staff and all the students will have no idea who Fred Bloggs was!
In the first case, I would expect somebody like a form tutor or head of year to attend.
As the student had left 10 years ago, totally irrelevant & ridiculous to assume the school would be remotely interested!

cptartapp · 04/02/2022 19:31

It wouldn't occur to me for the school to be involved in any way. Tens of their students will have died young/tragically.
It may be worse for the family to know the school had been told and then.....nothing. No representatives at the funeral or anything. Which could well be the case.

Random789 · 04/02/2022 19:31

I think your friend should tell the school if it is something that feels right for her. Someone (one of his former schoolfriends I think) let my son's former school know about his death, which happened seven years after he left. The school sent us a card and I know that some individual teachers who remembered him would have valued being informed.

But above all, it is about what your friend needs. Perhaps the school doesn't need to know, but if she needs to tell them, they will want to hear her.

Wrenna · 04/02/2022 19:34

Would mention it in an alumni newsletter, if nothing like that I wouldn’t expect to be informed after 10 years.

SeasonFinale · 04/02/2022 19:34

I suspect if the former student was still at uni (or under that age) then the school might issue a notice to ex students and to the staff. Does the school have an old pupils alumni type association? It would be more appropriate to notify them.

Why, however, is this friend involved? Surely it would be for his actual family to decide whether they want to notify the school? I think the friend, unless the family has asked her to be involved in the funeral arrangements should step away and refrain from making it about herself!

MajorCarolDanvers · 04/02/2022 19:34

I don't think the school need to get told or involved.

eeek88 · 04/02/2022 19:35

As a teacher I would want to know and would hope to be able to attend the funeral of any child I’ve ever taught (but I’m primary so have a closer relationship with my pupils than a secondary teacher who might only have them for an hour a week)

Traumdeuter · 04/02/2022 19:35

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Was this person a member of the alumni organisation? That would be an appropriate body to inform but presumably his next of kin would take on that task.

This - there’s a deaths list in my school’s alumni magazine, alongside happier news items.

Lacedwithgrace · 04/02/2022 19:36

I wouldn't expect anything, no matter how old or how tragic, they're a former student so have no ties to the school.

Pumperthepumper · 04/02/2022 19:36

No, I’d expect that to be something the family would decide.

LondonQueen · 04/02/2022 19:37

Why would you tell the school?

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 04/02/2022 19:37

We lost a few ex students about 8 years after their death and those who taught them went to the funeral, was on a school day and our head let us go.

FrownedUpon · 04/02/2022 19:39

10 years after they’ve left. No, school don’t need to know.

WonderfulYou · 04/02/2022 19:40

Unless a current student or really recently left, ie a year or so, I’d wouldn’t expect anything from them at all. Nor would I notify them of the death x

I agree.

Honestly if they left 10 years ago, none of the students will know them and there’s probably all new staff.

Georgeskitchen · 04/02/2022 19:41

As a mark.of respect I would think the school might mention it in assembly. If anyone still teaching at the school, could one of them attend the funeral? I'm sure the family would appreciate the thought

SirVixofVixHall · 04/02/2022 19:42

My school has an Old Girls facebook page, maybe there is something similar that your friend could contact ? She can do a school name search on Facebook.

saraclara · 04/02/2022 19:43

After ten years, no. I wouldn't contact the school.

Having said that, if I was in contact with a member of staff who knew him I would informally tell them. It would then be up to them whether they let other staff know.

After ten years there probably wouldn't be many teachers who knew him. So informal spreading of the news would be more likely.

twoshedsjackson · 04/02/2022 19:43

The school which I attended as a pupil (grammar school) has an Old Boys/ Old Girls Association. They send out a magazine in which notifications of deaths are passed on, and sometimes obituaries as well.
More cheerfully, they will also pass on notable achievements of former pupils still living.
The last school at which I taught (independent) has something similar, as well as a website. In some cases, they bring news of pupils who left decades ago! If pupils die while still pupils, they have a commemorative plaque in the School Chapel, as do staff who die in service.
I think a lot depends on how cohesive the school is as a community.

WonderfulYou · 04/02/2022 19:43

Depending on how big your school is there would be a regular funeral if they attended for every previous student that died.

I left school about 15 years ago and I’ve lost count of how many people have died. And I very much doubt my old school would remember me as I think most of the teachers have changed jobs.

Why not ask the persons friends to share the word or put it on SM so if anyone in their year wants to go they can.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 04/02/2022 19:44

My brother died in his 20’s in tragic circumstances, we didn’t inform his/our old school. Didn’t even occur to us really. The vicar’s wife turned out to be our old geography teacher though so someone from the school knew.

Womencanlift · 04/02/2022 19:45

Even if the school was to be told (and I don’t think they should as student has left a long time ago) then surely that should be the family’s decision and not your friends?

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