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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I wasn't home when DH got back

65 replies

ChristmasAdam · 04/02/2022 17:29

Is it so terrible that he had to wait for me?

We currently have one key (just moved in, yes I know we really need spares) and I was just in town with the kids, trying to make my way back with a toddler refusing to walk. DH calls annoyed that I am not home just after 4pm as he wants to go to the gym. He finishes work at 4pm but generally stays a bit later to get stuff done. Anyway, he rarely tells me his plans and seemed to suggest that he shouldn't have to?! He's now gone off, presumably to the gym before picking DD up from nursery but once again I have no idea. I daren't ask

I'm not sure what I've done wrong other than not communicating about being stuck in town with little ones! I don't feel like I should just sit at home and wait for him to get back either...

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

Anonymous48 · 04/02/2022 19:16

I do think you're both in the wrong though. You know there is only one key so it seems reasonable to keep him informed of your whereabouts. A quick text - "Hey, the kids and I are going out. We should be back around 4:30." He could have responded - "Any chance you could try and get back a bit earlier so I can go to the gym?"

YeOldePotato · 04/02/2022 19:17

He sounds horrible

NichyNoo · 04/02/2022 19:18

Well doesn’t he sound like a catch! Tell him to get a key cut, don’t add it to your list of chores.

MermaidEyes · 04/02/2022 19:19

I think you're both in the wrong too, bizarre lack of communication. Also, you've been in town, with the key, and probably passed a key cutting place somewhere...

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 04/02/2022 19:35

Why cant one of you just get a key cut?!

WonderfulYou · 04/02/2022 19:37

YABU
Honestly this would really annoy me.
When you’ve been at work all day the last thing you want to be doing is waiting to be able to go in your own house.

You knew what time he finishes. You knew you only had 1 key.

You need to get another one cut tomorrow definitely.

whynotwhatknot · 04/02/2022 19:38

its not the key thats the problem its when you said you darent ask him if hes pickng up his child

why is that

Original poster

ChristmasAdam · 04/02/2022 19:40

@UnshakenNeedsStirring I know. That's the root of the problem, along with terrible communication.

OP posts:

PuttingOutFires · 04/02/2022 19:43

If you dare-nt ask, are.you saying this is a domestically abusive situation? If so you need help and support to remove yourself and your children.

If that is not the case then you need to grow up and be a responsible adult and communicate with your partner instead of game playing.

BackInBlackAgain · 04/02/2022 19:45

@WonderfulYou

YABU Honestly this would really annoy me. When you’ve been at work all day the last thing you want to be doing is waiting to be able to go in your own house.

You knew what time he finishes. You knew you only had 1 key.

You need to get another one cut tomorrow definitely.

As op said she lost track of time, HE knew he was leaving work, HE knew he didn’t have a key so HE should have rang to make sure the OP was in.

HE needs to get a key cut.

queenmeadhbh · 04/02/2022 19:45

The most important thing is that you “don’t dare” which makes me feel that your husband is abusive.

On the face of it however, both of you should have made “getting a second key cut” absolutely top of the priority list. It takes seconds once you get to the shop.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/02/2022 19:54

Before exh and I had kids we always used to tell each other when we were getting home, as we were self employed and it varied.

As soon as we had a baby, he suddenly stopped communicating. I never had any idea when he’s come in, no matter how much I asked for this to be a routine. Because then I really needed to know, so he stopped. I’d be warey of this.

DurhamDurham · 04/02/2022 19:58

He's behaved appallingly, he should have had another key cut for himself. But those posters saying he should go and get one cut now, on the way to the gym. He can't. Op has the one and only key.

BoredZelda · 04/02/2022 20:01

You know there is only one key so it seems reasonable to keep him informed of your whereabouts. A quick text - "Hey, the kids and I are going out. We should be back around 4:30." He could have responded - "Any chance you could try and get back a bit earlier so I can go to the gym?"

Bullshit. He should have texted to say he was going to be home earlier than usual, would she be in? Or is the default that he expects her to be at home waiting for him to come back?

Nannewnannew · 04/02/2022 20:01

Those of you saying he should have got a key cut whilst on the way to the gym are forgetting he didn’t have a key to get copied!
Nevertheless it just sounds like a storm in a teacup tbh.

pompomseverywhere · 04/02/2022 20:03

"You daren't ask"

What else do you dare not do?

aloris · 04/02/2022 20:15

I think it's pretty annoying to be stuck outside your home, not knowing when you'll get in. But it's also unreasonable for him to expect you to have a very long period when you need to be home to let him in, because he wants to be able to be free and easy about what time he returns. If he wants you to wait at home to facilitate his flexible schedule then it's fair to expect him to keep you posted about what he's planning to do.

diddl · 04/02/2022 20:16

So I'm guessing that the town you were in doesn't have anywhere that cuts keys?

I'd try to be back or let the person know if I was running late if I had the only key.

Who could more easily get a key cut?

saleorbouy · 04/02/2022 20:16

Tell him to jog on down to the key cutters for this evenings exercise rather than going to the gym if it's a big issue for him. Alternatively put the key in hiding spot until you get a duplicate.

AdaColeman · 04/02/2022 20:22

He sounds like an entitled bully. Does he always speak like that to you?

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 04/02/2022 20:33

Message him and ask him to get a couple more keys cut (so you have one each and one spare) on the way home.

That might he difficult seeing as the OP had the only key...

TheApexOfMyLife · 04/02/2022 20:59

@BrioLover

My DH's reaction to this would have been "FFS I should have gotten a key sorted already. Are you ok? Do you need me to come and help with The Toddler Who Refuses To Walk?"

It's a bit off he got all huffy when he didn't tell you that he needed to get in the house at a certain time. You're not his staff.

Yep….

I fully agree there. This is the sort if exaction i would expect from an adult.

Instead he seems to think that you are like paid staff and shouod run your day around him. WHY?
Why is it up to you @ChristmasAdam to think about having a spare key cut? Why did your DH not take responsibility for it when he is the one who is likely to get stuck outside?

TheApexOfMyLife · 04/02/2022 21:02

@WonderfulYou

YABU Honestly this would really annoy me. When you’ve been at work all day the last thing you want to be doing is waiting to be able to go in your own house.

You knew what time he finishes. You knew you only had 1 key.

You need to get another one cut tomorrow definitely.

You mean you would expect your partner to just ‘know’ that you will finish earlier? And you would expect them to know their day all around you just because what ? You are working so you are more important somehow?

But you would not take any responsibility in having a second key cit because …. Ha yes, partner ought to be at your beck and call, is that right?

Hmm…

WonderfulYou · 04/02/2022 21:06

You mean you would expect your partner to just ‘know’ that you will finish earlier?

Where does it say he finished early?
OP said he finishes at 4pm.

RedBonnet · 04/02/2022 21:17

@TheGoldenWolfFleece

Um... Why doesnt he pop along to the key cutters before he goes to the gym. This is a situation entirely of his own making. Not good that you're afraid of him.

Why didn't she get a key cut in town? Also, he can't get one cut because she's got it

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