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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

XH thinks CMS provides for his household

32 replies

MahMahMahMahCorona · 04/02/2022 16:39

I'm reaching the end of my tether.

XH just collected DC11 and DC10 for weekend court ordered contact.

DC11 ran back inside for a spare pair of pants. XH has absolutely nothing at his house in terms of clothes, the DC are bored of having to transport suitcases between their homes, and instead just take a book or phone charger in a back pack.

When I've raised this with XH, he has told me that CMS provides for me to ensure the DC have what they need at both houses. I know this isn't true.

Can someone - please - help me tell their father that in order for the DC to move between the houses seamlessly and without having to pack bags every fortnight, XH needs to provide them with clothes? At least some spare pants and socks so DC11 isn't running out into the street with his kecks in his hand??

AIBU to think CMS does not provide for this? Their home clothes generally come back trashed anyway - lately he put their trainers in the washing machine and they shrank. Yes I know you can machine wash trainers but with a history of torn trousers, trashed coats and lost crocs, this is just one example of the type of things XH does to the clothes / shoes I provide.

OP posts:

Inspectorslack · 04/02/2022 16:41

Clothes was always a battle for me. You have my sympathies. I never sorted it.

YeOldePotato · 04/02/2022 16:41

Try telling him the kids are bored of lugging stuff between homes and give him a month to provide basics like underwear and pjs. Go from there. If he doesn't provide them it's his own kids he's letting down and a shit way of parenting.

Suretobe · 04/02/2022 16:43

My DP has always provided everything possible for his DD to minimise the amount of stuff that needs to move. It’s simply thinking of how to make life easier for the child.

CharbetHallmark · 04/02/2022 16:43

No CMS does not provide clothes for his house too. You are the resident parent and he is paying towards raising his children. How often does he have the children? My kids always have clothes at their dads.

Dishwashersaurous · 04/02/2022 16:45

I think that it really depends.

I remember as a child always packing a bag and moving stuff between houses. Clothes, especially shoes and school uniform is really expensive so of course would only own one pair of trainers etc.

It's just an unfortunate fact of living between two houses that you need to cart Clothes between them.

Ex damaging Clothes etc is an entirely different matter

RedCandyApple · 04/02/2022 16:45

Probably an unpopular opinion but if they only go EOW then I would just send clothes.

HugeAckmansWife · 04/02/2022 16:46

Can you get very technical on him? Show the CMS calculation for if you had them 100% of the time. It is more than it would be if he has 1/2 nights a week or whatever. The reduction is to account for the fact that when they are with him, he has to provide for their needs, so CMS is reduced accordingly. That is the formula. If he is paying the CMS rate only it is highly unlikely it comes close to covering 50% of their costs so he's getting off pretty damn lightly. What kind of parent quibbles over buying a £5 multi pack of pants? Shame him a bit.

BurntToastAgain · 04/02/2022 16:47

My DS insists on moving clothes back and forth. And trainers.

He has clothes in both houses but now he’s getting all teenagery about wanting specific clothes. His dad lives a short walk away though, so he just comes in and gets what he wants.

FoamBurst · 04/02/2022 16:48

His reduction for overnight stays is to cover what they need at his. Food, clothing, heating etc

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/02/2022 16:48

My ex husband pays me £600pm (this is proportionate to his salary), buys everything DS needs when he is staying at his house plus pays for extra things for DS's expensive hobbies. I wouldn't accept anything less.

CMS is supposed to cover half of what the children need when they are at YOUR house.

Original poster

MahMahMahMahCorona · 04/02/2022 16:48

Thanks all - he has them every alternate weekend and half of all holidays.

Shoes / boots / coats / outerwear I can totally understand he needs me to provide, but trashing them is inappropriate.

He doesn't have anything to do with school uniform (thank God).

OP posts:

Cattitudes · 04/02/2022 16:49

Presumably he pays less than 100% because they stay with him sometimes. That % less he is paying goes towards maintaining them (food, clothes etc) while with him. It isn't rocket science is it.

Cattitudes · 04/02/2022 16:50

Maybe he would prefer to increase child maintenance instead.

Dishwashersaurous · 04/02/2022 16:52

Given that they visit eow, it's not like they 'live' there, so actually packing an overnight bag seems the most sensible approach.

Particular as they are reaching the age when clothes become a lot more expensive and they start to care about them

Original poster

MahMahMahMahCorona · 04/02/2022 16:52

I'm tempted - thinking about it - to say if he reimburses me the 1/7th reduction, I'll provide everything they need at his house in terms of clothing. And update as they grow. He used to call me his secretary - if I offer this up as a solution he would probably go for it. He is so fucking useless as a parent. Not what I thought when I married him. 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

Chasingaftermidnight · 04/02/2022 16:52

Child maintenance payments reflect the fact that you have the children well over 50% of the time and therefore incur well over 50% of the costs of parenting. Not to cover the costs of them staying with him.

Dishwashersaurous · 04/02/2022 16:54

And I'm not talking about the money side, where he clearly is being ridiculous, but just what is most practical alround

RedCandyApple · 04/02/2022 16:55

@Dishwashersaurous

Given that they visit eow, it's not like they 'live' there, so actually packing an overnight bag seems the most sensible approach.

Particular as they are reaching the age when clothes become a lot more expensive and they start to care about them

That’s what I think, I don’t think he needs to have clothes there for kids that only visit once a Fortnight and will be sat in the drawer for 2 weeks, seems like a bit of a waste, not like they visit often that would be different. Is packing a bag once a fortnight really that challenging?

Justbecause88 · 04/02/2022 16:58

We provided basics for DSS to keep here, pants, socks PJS etc. They all used to end up at his mums anyway so we don't bother now and he bring what's he needs. Likeliness is the kids would want to bring stuff from their DF back to yours to wear and vice versa anyway so I really don't see much point. Although their DF attitude about it is a bit shit.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 04/02/2022 17:00

I didn’t even bother explaining this to my ex- he’s too selfish and narcissistic to listen anyway. And fucking stupid. I just send the kids with what they need. This is after I weighed up what was more important which is my kids and their needs and not their other parent and his stupid and selfish behaviour.

I0NA · 04/02/2022 17:03

@MahMahMahMahCorona

This is a good plan.

Either he spends that money that he’s saving on child support on the children when they are with him.

Or he pays you 100% of the child support and you will send them with clothes.

My ex provides no clothes for our children when they stay with him but I don’t care as he only has then about 6 nights a year. So I get 100% of the child support.

The posters asking “ Is it so hard to pack a bag ? “ are missing the point. It’s yet another example of NRP failing to parent their own children.

And men thinking that childcare is always womens work and beneath them.

Dishwashersaurous · 04/02/2022 17:03

And to be really clear, his attitude is totally shit.

But that's separate from what is most sensible to actually do

CaMePlaitPas · 04/02/2022 17:12

He's being a lazy arsehole, I'm not surprised he's an ex. He thinks he can show off his superior intellect by lecturing his ex wife and puffing himself self up by "providing" for his kids. Pathetic. Sorry OP, these threads trigger me. Stay sane xx

Piggyk2 · 04/02/2022 17:12

I've had a clothes issue too. Tbh I just tell my ex not to wash anything at all. Its annoying if DS comes home after 1 week with a case full of washing but that doesn't happy often.

I would rather wash the clothes myself than have missing items.

Dithercats · 04/02/2022 17:17

My ex does this. Useless 🤦🏽‍♀️. No maintenance here either.
I eventually decided that as the clothes were getting so trashed to put some aside - so now they go in 1 outfit...and the outfit they return in is washed and worn next time 😬...threadbare knees and all.
It's the game we play I'm afraid. So glad my kids dont care about holey knees!

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