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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone else have a miserable time on holiday with their partner?

47 replies

Wiennetta · 04/02/2022 16:39

Just need a rant really.

I’m on yet another holiday that my partner has been a complete misery for.

It’s been much needed and looked forward to for me, after not getting away much for the last couple of years due to covid and having a bit of a crap time (like most people).

It was somewhere he wanted to go. I planned most of it. He never puts any effort in to book/research stuff and then gets there and complains about what I’ve planned!

He complains about every thing - he’s very into exercise and eating healthy food - which is great, but he says he feels crap not exercising or because the food is a bit limited/because we’re eating out much more than normal. Fine - but he could exercise he’d just need to plan time for it and be assertive about what he wants to do. He could do some research and find healthy food options. Or he could just put up with being on holiday and relax a bit! I eat well and exercise but don’t stress over a two week break on holiday.

He complains it’s been too cold, it’s a faff putting on and taking off layers and face masks and so on. Yes I get it but surely it’s not a big deal!

He’s complained about not getting such good sleep cos there’s been noise - yep annoying but it’s just one of those things sometimes.

Does anyone else have a partner that just complains and gets really miserable on holiday? I feel like anything outside of his controlled home environment makes him stressed. Am I being unreasonable and not understanding or is he?

Next time I’m leaving him at home.

OP posts:

mowly77 · 04/02/2022 16:48

Yes! But he got a diagnosis of Aspergers at age 47 which was a shock! But it explains a lot of stuff. Like your DP he doesn’t like things changing/ things outside his controlled environment. When I sold my flat to buy our house together I splashed out on a luxury holiday abroad for us both and he hated it. Waste of money! Same thing with a caravan holiday with our small DD in 2020. Total opposite end of spectrum and he still hated it. Constant moaning! Does detract from the experience when you’re determined to have fun and enjoy yourself doesn’t it? YANBU. Especially if he’s not helped planning etc.

Do you have DC? Our DC is only 3 but for the last two years I have just taken her on a little holiday on my own somewhere, quite near, but a lovely seaside town we don’t know and we rent an Airbnb and have a lovely relaxed time. Everyone happy. Leave him at home! If you don’t have DC go with friends or other family? Or on your own? I loved travelling on my own before I had DD.

FabriqueBelgique · 04/02/2022 17:01

We haven’t been able to afford one yet but I know it would go exactly like this because that’s how any day out goes. He’s honestly not a bad person, it’s just like he has a Terminator screen in his head that hones in on everything that’s “wrong”.

SisterAgatha · 04/02/2022 17:03

I get a bit like this and it’s essentially home sickness. I keep breaks short and do more of them as after 10 days max I am a crying mess.

Original poster

Wiennetta · 04/02/2022 17:56

It’s good to know it’s not just be! @SisterAgatha that’s interesting - what makes you feel home sick and upset? Can you elaborate a bit more so I can understand a bit?

OP posts:

SisterAgatha · 05/02/2022 11:44

I have thought a lot about it over the years and I think because had a lot of trauma as a child, I make attachments to places. So the surroundings are the only constant when everything else is changeable. Can’t really describe it but if he is the same over long weekends, I doubt it’s that. I can do holidays without moaning, it’s just when we’ve been away a bit too long. Like more than a week 😂

stuffedcookie · 05/02/2022 11:48

Not the same but I have some of this with good friends. I'm the planner and when we go away, I have everything organised with zero input from them and then they complain about not wanting to eat somewhere I've picked and it has me tearing my hair out!

MorrisZapp · 05/02/2022 11:53

We only do the odd very short break together now and then. I just prefer my own company to be honest, I do find it hard to be cheery and easy going for two people as he won't hesitate to moan if anything isn't great.

I dunno. I see vast numbers of couples in shops, cafes, on the street etc looking utterly blank and bored together. Why bother? I just do my own thing, so does he. It's liberating, and when we do occasionally do things together it's a novelty.

Bringsexyback · 05/02/2022 11:59

I definitely think it’s yet another myth that’s put out there that people enjoy going on holiday with their partners, when you’ve got the children you can at least distract them how miserable the fuckers are.

Vasectomyreversalhopeful · 05/02/2022 12:08

I am the same Agatha. Like you I had a traumatic childhood and home is my place of safety. I love holidays and we have found that the sweet spot is 4-5 nights.

SisterAgatha · 05/02/2022 12:18

Vasectomyreversalhopeful I was the same when we moved house one mile away. Same area but different county. It’s been 5 years and I still have moments when I struggle. DH knows and is v supportive but I’m not an easy at the end of a holiday! We tend to have lots of short breaks instead.

Vasectomyreversalhopeful · 05/02/2022 12:21

Yes my DH is very understanding too but I know it must be hard when I am crying that I want to go home. Fortunately we now don't push beyond a short break so it isn't an issue.

sandgrown · 05/02/2022 12:29

My ex nearly sabotaged every holiday by forgetting something (once it was all our holiday cash) getting ready last minute so we nearly missed the plane or getting really drunk the night before. He said he enjoyed travel and I organised everything but I think was extreme anxiety at the change of routine . He just wanted to sit and drink in the evenings but moaned if DS and I went off without him ! He ruined quite a few holidays with his sulks . We went on one holiday a year without him and it was bliss!

booplefloof · 05/02/2022 12:52

Dh is also like this. He always gets stomach problems/headaches, hates looking around local sites and would happily go to the same places again and again and again.

We never go away for more that a week and do lots of weekend breaks.

Shoxfordian · 05/02/2022 13:02

I wouldn’t stay with someone I didn’t have a good time with on holiday- it’s supposed to be fun

GameofPhones · 05/02/2022 13:11

i don't much enjoy holidays away either, I think because of the need to have my immediate environment and arrangements under my control. I solved it by camping not far from home, so I can easily come back home if it rains/gets too cold etc. without financial loss. I don't mind short breaks away though.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 05/02/2022 13:14

My DH travels a lot for work so has got used to 5 star luxury. It's made him very snooty about the level of holiday we can afford and he is a proper misery guts if he feels he is 'roughing it'. So now I travel without him.

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 05/02/2022 13:22

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Ionlydomassiveones · 05/02/2022 13:26

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GettingStuffed · 05/02/2022 13:27

My DH wants to plan our holidays with a fine tooth comb. He doesn't understand go with the flow. He'll have a list of restaurants and pubs and we can't go anywhere not on the list. Suspect he's autistic but was born years before it was understood.

pheonixrebirth · 05/02/2022 15:26

My ex is guilty of ruining every holiday we went I on, and I'm talking about 5* holidays with the best of everything.
I could never enjoy anything until I knew he had found everything to be satisfactory. I would literally hold my breath waiting to see if everything was ok. If it was ok I could exhale but if not I had the torture of watching him speak to staff and of course managers. Cutting them down to size, belittling and demeaning them. It was completely uncalled for and utterly horrendous. I could also then bank on the looks and whispers of all the staff for the rest of the holiday. They would either actively try to dodge him/us or really lay it on so that he thought he was a celeb or something.
Of course he did the same thing at home if we went to dinner with the kids but at least that was staggered to every couple of weeks, but on holiday- all day every day for 2 weeks it exhausting. Felt like being on a white knuckle ride of tension. My heart goes out to any person in service who has to deal with him.

ultramarathoner · 05/02/2022 15:38

We are friends with a couple like this. His idea of a good break is to sit back and let his partner organise everything then criticise and complain. Then overtly lovey dovey displays to make sure he feels the most important in the group. Had to have the most expensive clothes, bag, wallet etc. fucking tragic. He has to believe we are jealous or it's just not worth it for him.

scarpa · 05/02/2022 15:53

@Bringsexyback

This is so sad. I could understand if you didn't like holidaying with anyone at all, including partners, but to suggest that everyone secretly hates spending time with their partner because they're miserable is so depressing.

I like DH. We like spending time together. Even as someone who likes a lot of time alone, I wouldn't be with someone I couldn't bear to go on holiday with.

KiwiFruitChutney · 05/02/2022 15:58

I’m the opposite I’m afraid. I’m only able to successful holidays with people I’m either related to, or in a relationship with.

I really struggle with going on holiday with friends - find it really stressful, hate not being able to be completely honest about what I want to do, find all the financial stuff (who’s paying for what? Am I underpaying? Overpaying?) difficult, and spend the time wishing I was with either my family or partner, where everything is much simpler and stress free!

SisterAgatha · 05/02/2022 16:07

Yes friends is even more difficult. For reasons stated we had a holiday home on the east coast so that I could go away and not get ragey (worked a treat actually) and we had some lovely times there and alot of our friends would come up to join us etc, but one particular friend made me so anxious that I never asked her again. She made such a big deal over splitting the money, what time would we do what, how far was it. I suspect she’s also anxious about being away from home but it was only 45 mins from her house for 2 nights so who knows.

Could be the dynamic rather than all these other reasons. DH doesn’t like beaches for instance.

Helocariad · 05/02/2022 16:37

This sounds horrendous OP! Why are you still going away with him at all? Wouldn't it be far more fun and relaxing to go with a friend or on your own?

Part of me is also wondering what you get out of the relationship, as I'm guessing he's not only like that while on holiday?

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