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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the phrase "a wife runs a home" is backwards thinking?

70 replies

Onlyrainbows · 04/02/2022 09:48

I was talking to someone and then they mentioned "a wife runs a home" and it got me thinking, I would never think of it that way, a couple should run a home with an appropriate division of tasks/responsibilities within the home. Especially if both work.

OP posts:

tintodeverano2 · 04/02/2022 11:51

But it's true!

Ozanj · 04/02/2022 11:52

Women are the heart of a home. It’s true. Whether they work full time or are housewives, without us nothing would get done. Even when men do ‘half the housework’ they often don’t do the thinking aspects or have the mental load that underpins the planning that work - they just do things from a list of chores.

GlamorousHeifer · 04/02/2022 11:55

I work full time, always have. My husband would nit have a sodding clue how much work goes into keeping on top of things! The worst part is he genuinely believes he's doing 50/50 of housework etc.
It won't change In my lifetime I don't think, most women I know are definitely running the home.

Aderyn21 · 04/02/2022 11:57

One of the reasons I'm a sahp is because I'm unwilling to go to work and do all the domestic stuff too. And as much as my husband tries to do his share, the reality is he's being form not here to do it. Whereas my old job meant that I was physically more available.
When feminists in the 80s talked about women 'having it all' they didn't realise it would translate as 'doing it all'.

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 04/02/2022 12:00

I might not do a lot of the general "cleaning" but all admin and finances are done by me, it does get exhausting and I do try to pass some of the workload to my DH.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/02/2022 12:00

It is outdated, unfair, and yet true.

Yes I agree.

Although I’m not a wife and I run my home!

DappledThings · 04/02/2022 12:03

I don't run my home. I do most of the cleaning and all the laundry. DH does all the shopping and cooking. I do the day to day playdate type organisation but he does the bigger stuff like parties and special occasions.

I do booking of random plumber type jobs, he does the insurance renewal stuff.

He does the large vegetable bed maintenance, I do general garden weeding and planting.

HunkyPunk · 04/02/2022 12:09

I think IRL (as opposed to on MN), in the majority of families this is true.

WheelieBinPrincess · 04/02/2022 12:11

Ha!

Having just been away on a self catering break with my husband, FIL and baby son, yes, it’s glaringly obvious that in a lot of cases the wife/women does huge amounts and where the men ‘pitch in’ we are supposed to notice and be grateful. If we appear stressed at the amount we have to do/think about we are ‘uptight’ and need to ‘try and enjoy things more’

I’m fucking livid off the back of this week to be honest, my husband is lucky he hasn’t been buried in the woods. Actually I wouldn’t have given him the dignity of a burial, animals could gnaw at his carcass.

With three generations of males under one roof this week I am determined not to let my son think it’s ok to treat women like the smooth running of a holiday is their job so everyone else gets to enjoy themselves. But quite how to achieve it I actually don’t know.

Unfortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion that with nearly all men, even the ‘good’ ones, the sexism and approach to household roles is woven into their very fabric.

DrSbaitso · 04/02/2022 12:12

It should be out of date, but realistically, in most cases it isn't.

ItsRainingTacos · 04/02/2022 12:18

The idea may be outdated I agree but sorting out the 'house stuff and 'kids' in the majority of households is still very much done by the wife.

Perhaps a little less of a difference when both parties work similar level jobs/similar incomes. There is a tendency for higher earner (most often husband/partners) to only go to 'work' and they pick up very little to do with the house or children as their income is a greater financial sacrifice for the sake of parity in domestic work and childcare. It would be financially 'foolish' for households to priorities this over the potential loss of income.

Hate that this is the case but the saying still holds true for most in 2022.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/02/2022 12:22

@Aderyn21

When feminists in the 80s talked about women 'having it all' they didn't realise it would translate as 'doing it all'.

I know what you're getting at here and I'm sorry but this is a dangerous copout which is increasingly used to justify going back to traditional gender roles and its really bad news.

You can almost people sighing and going "Ah well he won't do the ironing so I suppose I just have to give up my job. Nothing else for it". No no no no no. Not good enough and a terrible example to set daughters.

I totally understand that in reality the output of more women being in work is less work being shared. Women doing a FT job and then doing all the domestic labour at home. Men doing very little at home and woman run ragged. I know its really depressing and dispiriting.

But still even with the being run ragged and having the candle at both ends, its so worth it to have you own money, your freedom to leave if you want to. It's still worth it, even though its hard. Please let's not be pushing the narrative that because men won't step up at home we need to chuck our jobs in.

HowlingKale · 04/02/2022 12:23

My DH saw this dynamic on holiday as a kid Wheelie Bin and tbf he got it early on when I said no to self catering beyond a couple of nights.
If we go self catering he cooks breakfasts and we eat out later or get takeaways.
I love cooking in my own home (and will feed his family happily!) Elsewhere, no.

MarshmallowSwede · 04/02/2022 12:37

It might sound outdated, but true in 99.9% of households globally I think.

MrsGHarrison87 · 04/02/2022 12:40

I probably do run the house but that's because I'm a stay at home mum and husband works. So I naturally do more around the house because I'm the one here and he's not. In couples where one partner stays at home to look after their children, it is usually the woman. But it is an outdated view as most women do go to work these days.

Grumpsy · 04/02/2022 12:48

We share in the housework etc in our home. If we didn’t it would be chaos. We both have full time demanding careers. We with long hours, if it was left to one person it wouldn’t all get done.

We don’t have children yet, but if we have kids we are also planning for shared parental leave.

Grumpsy · 04/02/2022 12:49

@Grumpsy

We share in the housework etc in our home. If we didn’t it would be chaos. We both have full time demanding careers. We with long hours, if it was left to one person it wouldn’t all get done.

We don’t have children yet, but if we have kids we are also planning for shared parental leave.

*work long hours

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2022 12:58

@Onlyrainbows

It was some random lady (maybe in her 50s?) I mentioned how my DHs working schedule doesn't work for us as a family, and that comment came as a "suck it up it's your" I felt it was very patronising

It's internalised misogyny. Always worth pulling people up on, when you aren't too shocked to be able to say anything -

Gardengates · 04/02/2022 13:05

It depends what you mean by running the home

Does run the home mean being a skivvy, rushing around doing everything for everyone and treating a husband like a king?

Or does it mean acting like the CEO of the household? Managing the finances and administration and delegating workload to other family members?

Giggorata · 04/02/2022 13:33

I know it's carrying the mental load, but I'm the CEO in the household, and I am OK with it, because that way things get done, properly, on time and my way.

This has become more apparent since DH retired and started to (fuck with) change household arrangements, to their detriment.

As I surveyed the chaos under the sink, with about 22 partially used identical cleaning fluid bottles, no clean cloths and 3 odd rubber gloves; searched for the mixing bowls that formerly sat inside each other; prised apart the polish encrusted sticky black dusters, I decided that I would resume my executive role, and hopefully, my sanity.

I know some people will say that this is weaponised incompetence, but my DH is genuinely oblivious to many of the little things that really matter to me; I could give him a list of the things that wouldn’t occur to him, but it’s easier to allocate tasks as and when.

Bitofachinwag · 04/02/2022 13:55

@Onlyrainbows

I think in practice it's probably true, but not something we should aspire to.

Why not? Would it be better to be a paid housekeeper and run someone else's home?

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 04/02/2022 14:03

Why not Bito? Besides I was saying for the women who work FT and end up filling the gaps because of the husbands' incompetence.

OP posts:

GlamorousHeifer · 04/02/2022 15:25

I don't think men are genuinely incompetent, I think they fall into two camps.....the twats that know damn well how and what needs doing but do it badly so as not to have to do it again and the blissfully ignorant (my husband) that seem to be under the impression that window ledges and skirting boards are self cleaning items If he doesn't see me do it with his own eyes it's like he can't comprehend that I have done it therefore he doesn't see it as something that needs doing....hope this is making sense!
The thing is, I know he wouldn't be any better living on his own, when he did live alone his house was clean enough but definitely grubby around the edges.
I don't know what the solution is, I hope I've brought my son up to see the amount of work I do in and out of the home but only time will tell I suppose.

Aderyn21 · 04/02/2022 16:18

@thepeopleversuswork I don't want to go to go to work ft and be knackered, which I know would happen because with the best will in the world, the person who is physically in the house more, is the one who gets lumbered with all the other stuff. I'm living my life for me and I'm living it as many men do, without feeling an obligation to run myself ragged making a point or so that future generations can benefit. Sometimes I miss my old job, but not enough to go and get another one, so on balance what I'm doing is working for me and that's okay.

What I will teach my daughter is that it's important to be able to earn your own money, the qualities she should look for in a life partner and that giving up work is something you can only do if you have protected yourself financially. And that the things which make her happy are just as important as the things that make her partner happy - she must do what is good for her. That may or may not be working ft

Ricksteinsfishwife · 04/02/2022 16:23

It’s such an outdated concept as a generalisation, but for the majority of women it really isn’t the case or shouldn’t be, but there is still a percentage of women who are “ housewives” and also a percentage married to arseholes and do it anyway,

We both work full time, chores are done equally and we have a cleaner, do I run the home, potentially as I’m in charge if I’m honest, but not the way your comment was made to you, in that vein we run it together.

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