Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hated by the in laws

43 replies

Mharri · 03/02/2022 20:59

My DH is shockingly bad with remembering birthdays/keeping in touch with family, that sort of thing.

My view is that I'm not his PA and his family birthday/Christmas present buying, phone calls etc are his responsibility - I would never expect him to buy my mum, sister, nephews etc stuff or phone them on my behalf.

After 10 years of us being married, and DH making zero effort with his family, my MIL has decided to tell me that she and my other in laws (DH's brother) blame me for 'taking him away, as he never makes any effort'.

He's an adult. He didn't make effort before I came on the scene, but she's conveniently forgotten this. In laws have always been frosty with me which got steadily worse, so I said to DH I wouldn't attend meet ups with them (arranged by MIL). But DH then didn't want to go without me, so he hasn't seen them for years. This is apparently my fault too. I've encouraged DH to see them and foster a relationship but he hasn't.

So, my AIBU - should I have made effort to remember special events etc on his behalf? And see them despite them opening hating me? Or is he solely responsible?

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 03/02/2022 21:04

YANBU

Nightmanagerfan · 03/02/2022 21:04

Ffs. Why do women always get the blame for this crap? Send your MIL a link to Wife Work (the book).

When I got married I told my husband I would not be responsible for buying presents/cards or arranging meet ups with his family and friends. The result is that they get crap presents (if at all), and we don’t see them as much. It’s entirely on him.

However, I do dread what has happened to you coming my way one day… I haven’t explicitly told my in laws I don’t do this stuff but after years of “talk to DH” responses I think they have got the message now.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2022 21:05

Your husband is 100% responsible for his relationship with his family. You have nothing to do with it.

autienotnaughty · 03/02/2022 21:10

YANBU

I must admit I do most of arranging with in-laws if left to my husband he would probably see them every couple month. I do it caus they are our dc only grandparents so want them to have a good relationship

UserBot9to5 · 03/02/2022 21:10

I have this issue too. In a different way. My teens have no interest in meeting their father or his mother and he cannot fathom that it's his fault, or even maybe the teens' laziness and apathy. Has to be my fault.

I would do nothing. Eventually, somehow you will be less bothered by their opinions of you. It's really hard though because they're not complete strangers. They're always going to be there peripherally so completely letting go of the sense of injustice is really hard.

Peasandcabbage · 03/02/2022 21:11

I dunno. There's probably a huge back story but family is really important to me. I agree entirely with your comments re DH but I have fostered my own relationship with MIL and she being a mum of six boys, DH the youngest, that has not been bloody easy.

It's sad he has not seen her for years because she was "frosty" with you.

But as I say you will probably say she did X y z.

Yes he can make his own relationships but you can as well and if there is children they should be able to as well.

Original poster
Mharri · 03/02/2022 21:11

The thing that annoys me the most is that I have said to DH that he could do with making a little effort to see his relatives, just show a bit of care - but he has chosen not to. And any contact he has had, has been sorted by me. Without that, they'd have had even less!!

But no, I'm the bitch that has stolen him from his family.

The fact they've always been very cold with me doesn't help; doesn't make me dying to buy them birthday pressies.

His mum and my SIL are VERY 'traditional' type women, where their poor men need looking after and they take pleasure in wife work. They hate me.

OP posts:
Helendee · 03/02/2022 21:14

Do your in-laws bother with you? Do they make a effort to remember your birthday?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/02/2022 21:15

So what is your punishment? They don't want to spend time with you?
Win bloody win op.

Peasandcabbage · 03/02/2022 21:15

Hate is a strong word op. I'm the same, honest. A solicitor working all hours pre children, dh and three brothers farm here, with her, rest abroad. She's awful to me, or was..... But I wanted my own relationship with her and I think we have got there

ChittyBangs · 03/02/2022 21:16

YANBU

Original poster
Mharri · 03/02/2022 21:21

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

So what is your punishment? They don't want to spend time with you? Win bloody win op.
Grin

True!

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 03/02/2022 21:23

No. Put it out of your mind.

If you occasionally have to interact have a few dismissive stock phrases to hand. At all costs, make it clear you have no interest in them or what they think - grey rock it - they’ll go and annoy someone else

Original poster
Mharri · 03/02/2022 21:27

@Helendee

Do your in-laws bother with you? Do they make a effort to remember your birthday?
Oh God no. They've never asked me so much as a question, they know nothing about me.

Back when I did go to 'family meals', they'd literally turn their backs on me, or if I asked a question to open up conversation, I would be ignored or shut down with a one word answer.

MIL somehow didn't notice. After a few years of this, I shrugged and told DH I didn't fancy attending only to feel shit, but was obviously happy for him to go by his tod. He didn't want to go without me, but of course it's still my fault.

OP posts:
Somuddled · 03/02/2022 21:35

How has this blaming come about. If you never see or contact them have they just called up out of the blue to announce that they blame you?

Original poster
Mharri · 03/02/2022 21:43

@Somuddled

How has this blaming come about. If you never see or contact them have they just called up out of the blue to announce that they blame you?
MIL decided to organise the first family meal since covid, apparently BIL and SIL said no because I have stolen DH away from them and I'm a horrible person. I'm not even sure I understand their thinking, but at least they're not hiding their dislike of me anymore, that's a small win!

MIL now saying I should have 'helped' DH make the effort the past decade, despite me explaining I haven't kept him hostage and actually I've encouraged contact. It's been his choice, always.

Going to take the advice to grey rock this. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/02/2022 21:46

Basically mil can't face the fact it is actually her ds that cba so blames you instead!!

Sh05 · 03/02/2022 21:54

Yes mil can't face the fact that the shortcomings are her son's so is blaming you. If his parents had raised him to be considerate of his elders they wouldn't be faced with his indifference to them.
Maybe they didn't set good examples themselves but now they're looking for someone to point the finger at!

Wildrobin · 03/02/2022 21:58

Has your DH made an effort with your family? I know every family is different and it does seem sad there’s this distance with his and that they’ve made it into an issue now too as in doing so they’ve surely made it harder.
My dh will certainly reach out to my parents and siblings and we both support each others’ as both sides are important to both of us . I’m sure in the earlier days especially it did take an effort from me to help remember birthdays sometimes (we are still quite rubbish at this) or show an effort but it helped build up a close bond and similarly I’m glad he’s always got an open heart to my family.
I feel for you and even them too as I suspect it’s turned into hurt both sides somehow and it sounds a real shame they haven’t got to know you . I can understand that being very challenging and it might help if they saw your side too

nettytree · 03/02/2022 22:08

I will remind my husband about his bitch of a sisters birthday, but it's up to him to do something about it. But when it comes to his birthday he never gets anything off her. We forget once and all hell breaks loose.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/02/2022 22:17

I have no interest in doing wife work and I don't do wife work. I'm a mother to my child, not my husband, who is old enough to manage his own life admin and family relationships, just as I am.

Whether his family approves or disapproves is immaterial. Mine are not wild about me either, likely because I organise my own life and neither require nor seek others' approval.

What other people think of you is not of your business, particularly if they dislike and disapprove of you anyway. You're a wife to your husband, not his PA.

YANBU.

hellcatspangle · 03/02/2022 22:21

YANBU at all. It's just easier for them to pretend you're responsible, rather than face up to the fact that their son just can't be arsed with them and doesn't care enough to make an effort.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2022 22:26

I've encouraged DH to see them and foster a relationship but he hasn't.

But why?! He’s known them a lot longer than you and what he knows makes him unwilling to have much to do with them. Trust him. It’s your place to support him but suggest he does anything he’s not comfortable with. Blood doesn’t make family, and they sound fucking awful, consider yourselves lucky to have peace from the crazy.

MarieKlepto · 03/02/2022 22:29

Oh, Gawwwwd. How pathetic of them all. My husband is great at suggesting/arranging doing things with his (totally lovely) family, and discussing with me before doing so. He's also totally scatty about dates of birthdays, etc though, so I will remind to phone/gift (he does it). However, I also, voluntarily, not because I feel any obligation to do so, buy the gifts for female members of his family because he really has some poor ideas!

Hbh17 · 03/02/2022 22:47

Maybe your husband doesn't particularly like his family, so why should he "make an effort"? If there is minimal contact, it sounds like the perfect result for both you and him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread