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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hated by the in laws

43 replies

Mharri · 03/02/2022 20:59

My DH is shockingly bad with remembering birthdays/keeping in touch with family, that sort of thing.

My view is that I'm not his PA and his family birthday/Christmas present buying, phone calls etc are his responsibility - I would never expect him to buy my mum, sister, nephews etc stuff or phone them on my behalf.

After 10 years of us being married, and DH making zero effort with his family, my MIL has decided to tell me that she and my other in laws (DH's brother) blame me for 'taking him away, as he never makes any effort'.

He's an adult. He didn't make effort before I came on the scene, but she's conveniently forgotten this. In laws have always been frosty with me which got steadily worse, so I said to DH I wouldn't attend meet ups with them (arranged by MIL). But DH then didn't want to go without me, so he hasn't seen them for years. This is apparently my fault too. I've encouraged DH to see them and foster a relationship but he hasn't.

So, my AIBU - should I have made effort to remember special events etc on his behalf? And see them despite them opening hating me? Or is he solely responsible?

OP posts:

Ickle37 · 03/02/2022 22:51

Omg- not read all the comments, but yes i am so in your camp on this. I have a big extended family and thats my job to do their birthdays/ Christmas.
We got horrible messages that we forgot his side at birthdays/ Christmas. I do actually remind my dh. Honestly though- i am not a PA to my husband. Why is this expected??

StellaGibs · 03/02/2022 22:57

It's just easier to blame you than it is for parents to believe her son doesn't give a shit about them.

DixonD · 03/02/2022 22:57

Similar here too. They’ve not actually said it, but it’s obvious my in-laws think I’ve taken DH away because he doesn’t bother with them.

However, my DH also does not like going to family events without me but I get the impression that this is because he doesn’t like getting the third degree from them about where I am and why I’m not there.

You can only do so much. You can’t force him to go.

billy1966 · 03/02/2022 22:57

I think you are the winner here.

Your husband couldn't be arsed and hardly surprising from what you described.

They have given you the out to never see them again.

Massive win.

Mischance · 03/02/2022 23:01

My OH never remembered his family's birthdays. I stopped reminding him in the end on the grounds that it was not my job and he was a grown adult who could make his own choices with his own family.

Kite22 · 03/02/2022 23:07

It's just easier to blame you than it is for parents to believe her son doesn't give a shit about them.

This ^

However, I do agree with @Peasandcabbage and also @Wildrobin . No, it isn't your job to buy the presents and remember to send the birthday cards but It is a good thing to put the effort in with your partner's family now and then rather than putting them in a position of having to choose. Many of us wouldn't necessarily choose to be friends with our in-laws, but you just have a fairly low contact, but keep in touch relationship as an adult, rather than refusing to go.

NatriumChloride · 03/02/2022 23:18

YABU for even asking this. His family, he can sort out gifts and cards etc. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I used to do all the unpaid wife work for DH. Sending flowers to SIL for her birthday, remembering DN’s birthdays and wrapping up birthday and Christmas presents, choosing presents for MIL… It all came to a stop last year where I point blank refused to do this anymore, and it is so liberating. Sadly, DH didn’t bother buying anything for his sister or his siblings’ kids for Christmas as he “was too busy” (fwiw we were both working FT at the time) and I think that I was the one who got silently judged for it, but I give not a shiny shit!

NatriumChloride · 03/02/2022 23:20

@StellaGibs

It's just easier to blame you than it is for parents to believe her son doesn't give a shit about them.

100% what @StellaGibs said

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/02/2022 23:23

So they don't bother remembering your birthday.

Fuck them!

You're on the right track. Leave him to sort his own family out. Shame he can't put more effort into your's but that's up to him.

Newestname002 · 04/02/2022 06:00

@Mharri

If your MIL is looking for a woman to blame perhaps she could take a long look in her mirror. She is the woman who brought him up so, if anything, the fault lies with her - as well as her partner/husband.

As for this:

Back when I did go to 'family meals', they'd literally turn their backs on me, or if I asked a question to open up conversation, I would be ignored or shut down with a one word answer.

MIL somehow didn't notice. After a few years of this, I shrugged and told DH I didn't fancy attending only to feel shit, but was obviously happy for him to go by his tod. He didn't want to go without me, but of course it's still my fault.

I'm surprised you managed to put up with such bad manners/bullying for so long - I'd have given up much earlier. What did your husband say to them when he saw how they were treating you? 🌹

LouLou789 · 04/02/2022 06:38

YANBU. I do cards etc for both families because that’s what we decided when we divvied up the jobs. However, maintaining a relationship: that’s something that can’t really be done on someone else’s behalf. Up to him how often he sees and contacts his family. She’s blaming you because it’s easier than thinking her DS can’t be bothered with her.

KatherineJaneway · 04/02/2022 06:53

Easier to blame you than realise she raised a lazy son

Original poster

Mharri · 04/02/2022 07:11

I'm surprised you managed to put up with such bad manners/bullying for so long - I'd have given up much earlier. What did your husband say to them when he saw how they were treating you?

I always blamed myself at first. Kept attending in the hopes that they'd like me and be nice; I'm a lot less insecure these days, and with hindsight they were extremely rude, cold and obviously have chips on their shoulders about something, god knows what, but I've never done/said anything that would warrant how they treat me.

DH hated it but didn't say anything at all. But they treat him with the same coldness really, so I don't blame him not making effort and there was no way I was going to.

I hate the automatic blame from MIL; there's so much judgement and assumption on her side and very little truth.

If she brings it up again I'm happy to point out it was her that raised him. And, ironically, she's forgotten to send DH a birthday card a few times the past decade.

This has been cathartic, thank you for the replies!

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2022 07:20

Good for you op 💪💪💪

You've handled this all perfectly.

It is ENTIRELY your dhs responsibility, and it's about time more women followed your lead.

Like a poster above says, little contact is a win for you, so next you need to focus on holding your head high and giving her as little thought as possible.

Booboobibles · 04/02/2022 09:17

It’s weird because as someone diagnosed with Asperger’s in later life, I’ve spent a long time feeling mortified at my lack of self-awareness in the past. But then I read stuff on here and feel better because even in my twenties I wouldn’t have dreamed of expecting presents from someone I didn’t buy presents for.

Creamegg84 · 04/02/2022 09:49

This angers me so much! So common! You shouldn't have to say it to them but I think you should or should have at the start.
People always say "I told my husband I'm not doing it" which is completely the right thing to do, but the family aren't aware of this and can make up their own incorrect opinions that you are taking the man away from them.
I have been with my husband for 20 years and I am close to his family. But he is the same as all these other men, he has got better recently and buys for his niece and sorts peoples gifts after many years of me refusing, but he hardly sees them. There has been so many times where myself and the children go to see them or attend family gatherings and he doesn't come. At first he expected me to lie for him and make excuses but I wouldn't. I always told them the truth from the start. I am not willing to get the blame for something that's nothing to do with me

FarDownTheRiver · 05/02/2022 12:05

YANBU and I am so happy you are able to stand up for yourself. I think even just a few years ago it seems there were so many threads here with women unable to say no and being walked on. I am glad to see a change in this direction.

As for your husband, if he loves and likes his family he should make an effort and support you too i.e. standing up for you when they speak their untruths. So many men get away with just being a bit rubbish.

MistyFrequencies · 05/02/2022 12:11

YANBU. I'm in similar position unfortunately. I remind my husband of nothing.

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