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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband and present buying

28 replies

Coolcoolcool · 03/02/2022 20:20

Our Godson has his birthday coming up. We are not involved godparents - we live far away and don’t really have any relationship with him, and IMO the bare minimum is that we buy him a birthday present (we haven’t in the past got him Christmas presents).
I do feel a bit guilty about our lack of relationship with him - there is more we could have / could do. I suppose I was feeling a bit guilty about it so ordered a present which was a couple of pounds more than what we would usually spend on family members (£18 instead of £15, so not masses!) DH has had a massive go at me saying I shouldn’t have spent that much, and that we shouldn’t even buy him presents anyway. He never sorts out any presents and also never acknowledges when I do sort them. He says that present buying is the wife’s job .
We had an argument about this a couple of years ago and agreed we would be responsible for our own side of the family (and I would do any friends / Kids friends). But it still always falls to me because he forgets or the one time he did sort a present he bought a crappy unsuitable one. I think some conscious incompetence has come into play!

AIBU to think that because he doesn’t help with present buying, he doesn’t get to have an opinion on who we buy for?!

Also, curious to know what the division of labour is in your families as regards present buying?

OP posts:

WhatNoRaisins · 04/02/2022 07:15

OP, maybe not what you're asking but you've got to stop stepping in and rescuing him when he can't be bothered to arrange a present.

I think lots of couples these days do their own sides rather than the wife taking it all on.

Arabellla · 04/02/2022 07:17

He’s being an utter dick. Tell him he’s your godson too and he will not dictate to you.

And stop sorting presents for his family.

Gardeningcreature · 04/02/2022 07:17

I wouldn't buy for his side if I were you. He sounds incredibly mean, unless you are in the bread line.

00100001 · 04/02/2022 07:27

Don't sort the presents for his family.

If he "forgets" or buys a crap present, that's on him.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 04/02/2022 07:31

I buy all presents. It annoys me that my partner doesn't remember or value presents but it's the only way they'll get something. He's not tight, he'd happily agree to get them but he'd forget and I'd feel embarrassed.
it's NOT ok that your husband had a massive go at you for spending £18. Are you on the breadline or in debt? If so, maybe you do need to sit down and decide on what's reasonable. But yelling at you over a kids gift is unkind.

Buildingthefuture · 04/02/2022 07:36

I buy all the presents for everyone, because DH is crap at it (except at buying for me, he’s brilliant at that??) I don’t mind though, he more than pulls his weight in other areas and he wouldn’t bloody dream of critiquing what I’ve bought. I get the occasional raised eyebrow when he thinks I’ve been too generous, but he wouldn’t say anything because he knows I would tell him to do it himself and he can’t be arsed!!

Pyriah · 04/02/2022 07:37

I used to buy for his family but he would whinge that I hadn’t put in enough effort or hadn’t been thoughtful enough. So I said fine, if my choices aren’t good enough then choose their gifts yourself. So now I buy for my family and he buys for his. If they don’t get a gift that’s his fault.

This has worked so well that I’ve extended it to everything related to his family. I facilitate our son seeing my family and if he wants him to see his family then he needs to arrange that. Which results in them seeing our son once every 2-3 months. Not my problem. I text photos to my family and if he wants his family to receive photos he needs to text them himself. It has massively simplified my life and reduced my contact with some frankly horrible people.

GeneLovesJezebel · 04/02/2022 07:37

DH does his family and I do mine.
If he forgets then his family get to see what a lazy forgetful arse he is.

Shoxfordian · 04/02/2022 07:38

My dh buys presents for his friends and family. They’re not crap presents and he doesn’t forget to do it. Almost like he’s an actual functioning adult

Noisyprat · 04/02/2022 07:39

Is this your godson or his? If yours then take up to you what you do and how you much you spend, within reason of course. However if you don’t have a relationship with him then why not just send a card.

I only sort/out buy for my side, as a consequence DPs side get nothing, not even cards. I am not embarrassed as this is a reflection on him not me, if my partner told me present buying was women’s work I’d laugh in his face and tell him it isn’t and what a shame he has do little live and respect for his family that he can’t be bothered with them.

MintJulia · 04/02/2022 07:44

I couldn't cope with someone who fusses over £3. What a tight wad!

I buy all presents for our ds. My ex is useless, buys birthday cards with the wrong age on, forgets altogether or buys stuff that is inappropriate.
I decided long ago that if ds was to have a decent childhood, I'd always have to have a spare card, present, cake, pre-wrapped in a cupboard somewhere.

Arabellla · 04/02/2022 07:45

@Pyriah

Well done, more women need to do this.

Arabellla · 04/02/2022 07:46

@MintJulia

I couldn't cope with someone who fusses over £3. What a tight wad!

Your son doesn’t need you to pretend that the presents you give him are from your ex.

Stop facilitating this crap.

JustMarriedBecca · 04/02/2022 07:46

I do all of it but he sorts his Mum because he picks better presents for her (and erm, I'd just give coal)

WeAllHaveWings · 04/02/2022 07:56

But it still always falls to me because he forgets or the one time he did sort a present he bought a crappy unsuitable one.

If he wants to buy crappy unsuitable presents for his family, let him. If he forgets dont bail him out. It really is that easy.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/02/2022 07:57

First partner i was sucked in and largely dealt with with all the gift buying.. What can i say i was young and daft!! ... Also early on in our relationship he'd failed to buy a present... And like a numpty I was shamed by the family /embarassed that he hadn't bought his mum a birthday gift. I was supposed to have bought /wrapped and delivered it...at the very least stood over him while he did it. Despite having no idea it was her birthday... We both worked full time and were newly living together... Narrative:. You have a wifey to do all the shit you don't fancy.

#2 man... I refuse to do ANY 'wifework' - and we're very happy with that😉, he sorts ALL his family birthday /celebrations.... I'm happy to go and shop WITH him, but not FOR him! Its so much easier not to have all tje mental load of remembering dozens of 'extra' dates!

Aderyn21 · 04/02/2022 08:03

He sounds really mean. That would bother me more than buying presents for his side of the family.
You don't have to ask his permission to spend money on your godchild! If he was my husband any criticism would be met with 'fuck off' - it was £18 not £180!

sirfredfredgeorge · 04/02/2022 08:20

don’t really have any relationship with him

It's perfectly reasonable for people to not buy presents for people to not buy presents for people they don't have a relationship. It's fine if you want to, but you can't claim that your DP not wanting to bother is wrong.

You choose to do it, you do it, and if you as a family don't really have the budget to do it, then it's a bit off.

Pyriah · 04/02/2022 09:31

Honestly I think the reason women feel obliged to buy gifts when their husband is useless is because other people always assume it’s the wife who bought a crappy gift (or failed to buy anything). So the wife looks bad and gets gossiped about even when that gift was not her responsibility. I’ve resolved this by not giving a shit what my inlaws think of me. My husband also fails to buy gifts for our son but I buy them myself because I care that he receives something. I don’t care if my inlaws receive nothing.

NoSquirrels · 04/02/2022 09:36

It’s a bit interchangeable for us - we both play to our strengths. So I’ll probably do more of the ‘thoughtful things MIL would actually appreciate’ and my DH will likewise buy geeky shit for people on my side of the family that they’d appreciate. We mix and match rather than pure family split. It works OK.

Anyone who hasn’t organised the gift gets I shut up about the cost though, unless it’s horribly cheap/outrageously expensive.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 04/02/2022 10:04

I just think most men can't be arsed with buying presents for anyone, in their minds it serves zero function.

My brother's wife for example is constantly buying presents for her large family, friends, and extended network. It's ridiculous.
Every week there's an event or person to buy for.
Absurd,

Aderyn21 · 04/02/2022 10:28

It might serve zero function in their minds because their wives are greasing the wheels of social interaction and they are reaping the benefits without knowing the work that's gone into it!

WhatNoRaisins · 04/02/2022 13:04

Mine only started after a much deserved bollocking from his mother when all his side had their birthdays ignored one year.

TiredMamaBear · 04/02/2022 16:20

I buy for our son, my family and our friends. He has to buy for his own family. I used to buy for his family until mil made some unkind comments about the gifts so now I just leave it to him.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 06/02/2022 16:22

@Aderyn21

It might serve zero function in their minds because their wives are greasing the wheels of social interaction and they are reaping the benefits without knowing the work that's gone into it!

Men don't usually buy each other presents. It's not how men bond.

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