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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop Y1 friendship

43 replies

mysummer2001 · 03/02/2022 18:00

My dc has recently developed a close friendship with the most misbehavedkid in the class (Y1) and we are not sure how to handle this situation. The child is a 'leader of the bad kids'; they are often rude and mean to kids and always looking for trouble and of the opinion that being 'good is boring'. They are however very fun and I think that is what my dc is drawn to.
We have tried to encourageour dc to play with other nice kidsbut it is not working. From what we understand our dc does not feel like she can stop the games and is following her friend as to not upset them. She agrees that she should try to play with someone else but once in school, she can't say no to her friend which leads to both of them getting into trouble.We have been discussing the situation and talking about this at home for an entire week with no improvements.
I will be talking to the school (they have not reached out yet) but before I do that I wonder if I should have some specific requests or questions? I know the school can't physically separate the kids but surely they should be able to do something!

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/02/2022 18:03

Ime inviting the dc for tea and hanging around works. Once they can see your dc has rules and boundaries - they grasps your expectations they will ease off being around your dc... Far too much hard work!

sadpapercourtesan · 03/02/2022 18:03

@mysummer2001

My dc has recently developed a close friendship with the most misbehavedkid in the class (Y1) and we are not sure how to handle this situation. The child is a 'leader of the bad kids'; they are often rude and mean to kids and always looking for trouble and of the opinion that being 'good is boring'. They are however very fun and I think that is what my dc is drawn to. We have tried to encourageour dc to play with other nice kidsbut it is not working. From what we understand our dc does not feel like she can stop the games and is following her friend as to not upset them. She agrees that she should try to play with someone else but once in school, she can't say no to her friend which leads to both of them getting into trouble.We have been discussing the situation and talking about this at home for an entire week with no improvements. I will be talking to the school (they have not reached out yet) but before I do that I wonder if I should have some specific requests or questions? I know the school can't physically separate the kids but surely they should be able to do something!
I think you can discourage, and you can try to engineer other friendships through playdates etc, but there is a limit to how much influence you can have over children's friendships once they are at school. The teacher may agree to some degree of separation in class, but is unlikely to want to commit to policing the friendship entirely - that isn't their job.

I also think you need to accept that your child is choosing, not only to be friends with this child but also to behave poorly and get into trouble. You can work on strategies for saying no/walking away, that will probably help a bit, but how sure are you that your child is genuinely being pushed into these things, rather than being an equal partner? I wonder what the other child's parent would say about yours.

Original poster
mysummer2001 · 03/02/2022 18:15

Yes!
I also wonder if my child is using this friendship as an excuse for poor behavior. Either way, I don't think this friendship is helping but don't know what I can do about it.
They are still so young! Would setting up playdates with other kids help?

Has anybody had a similar experience and got it resolved somehow?

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 03/02/2022 18:17

I definitely think setting up playdates with other children would help. One of mine is autistic and struggled with friendships at this age, and getting to know a few others on a one-to-one basis outside school really helped promote good relationships and improved his general confidence within the class.

Sweetpea84 · 03/02/2022 18:17

How do you know your daughter isn’t just as much to blame and that she never does anything wrong?

HandWash · 03/02/2022 18:19

Has the teacher said that your child's behaviour has changed or deteriorated?

Howshouldibehave · 03/02/2022 18:19

surely they should be able to do something!

What are you thinking the teacher can do that will help?

heyitsthistle · 03/02/2022 18:24

I had a similar best friend from reception until I left high school. She was a bully, and a leader if the bad kids. Luckily I saw her bullying ways and ignored her behaviour, and didn't copy her. We were still close friends though, as she did have some good qualities. We parted ways after school and I never saw her again :)

Hope that helps if you can't split them up!

Spinnier · 03/02/2022 18:24

"Leader of the bad kids" at age 5 or 6, wow.

I would suggest you just ask school to help your DD to widen her friendship circle. There are times you can and should ask for 2 DC to be separated, but this is not one of those times.

Original poster
mysummer2001 · 03/02/2022 18:25

I have seen the other child so I am pretty sure that they are the instigator. However, that does not mean that my daughter is not responsible for her choice of following and her own behavior.

HandWash: The teacher has not said anything yet. I believe most of the issues happen during the break in the playground.

Howshouldibehave: I am hoping the school has some strategies to help young kids understand the boundaries and how to make the right choices.

OP posts:
Redarrow2017 · 03/02/2022 18:44

This reply has been withdrawn

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abeanbaked · 03/02/2022 19:49

@Redarrow2017

Often a small child is scared of another child they will gravitate towards them as the old saying goes keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Really? If they really are 5 years old I think the only thing you need to do is try and support them mixing with lots of children. Wait until she's 13!🤦🏼‍♀️
UsernameInTheTown · 03/02/2022 20:05

Why would school "reach out"? What do you mean, contact you?

Original poster
mysummer2001 · 03/02/2022 20:16

I thought you would be notified if your child has continuous behaviour problems at school.

OP posts:
GiantSpider · 03/02/2022 20:22

When my DS1 was the same age he was also friends with the most badly behaved kid in the class. I can't say I was delighted about it, but I didn't try to interfere with their friendship and I even invited the naughty kid over for play dates (although I also arranged play dates and extra curricular activities with other children). To be fair, he wasn't a nasty mean child - just a naughty one! But it never affected my DS1's behaviour, he's always been a good boy and that didn't change. Then the naughty boy left in year 2 (cue sigh of relief!).

Howshouldibehave · 03/02/2022 20:23

@mysummer2001

I thought you would be notified if your child has continuous behaviour problems at school.
Is your child having continuous behavioural problems at school? How do you know this if the school haven’t spoken to you about it?
Original poster
mysummer2001 · 03/02/2022 20:24

I guess the consensus is to try to widen the friend circle for her in school by artificially arranging play dates and hope for the best!
🙈
Do I actively disparage the friendship or just offer alternatives and concentrate on her own behaviour?

OP posts:
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 03/02/2022 20:25

I thought you would be notified if your child has continuous behaviour problems at school.

They would contact you. They wouldn't reach out.

Isahlo · 03/02/2022 20:25

There is not a “leader of the bad kids” at 5-6 years old. Yabu

Original poster
mysummer2001 · 03/02/2022 20:27

Just from what my dc tells me I see that there's definitely increase in getting into trouble.

OP posts:
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 03/02/2022 20:28

Often a small child is scared of another child they will gravitate towards them as the old saying goes keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

I think that this is pretty insightful. It's a good bully-prevention strategy, albeit not very assertive.

Jonstantlycuggling · 03/02/2022 20:30

They are 5/6 years old and have spent roughly 1/3 of their lives with less than ideal levels of socialisation. I would suggest a little more empathy and guidance would be better than the judgement and labelling.

lunar1 · 03/02/2022 20:39

DS1 made friends with a similar child in Y1, they are still friends now in Y8. DS1's behaviour has never dipped and he does loads of extra curricular activities so they don't spend loads of time together.

DS1 is a dancer and has several hobbies that some boys have been unkind over. 'The naughty kid' has been his defender at every turn at school. Nobody dares to bully him and I'm pretty sure I have this boy to thank. There was an incident brought to light of racism towards DS1, and it was this friend who spoke out, the 'good kids' stayed quiet.

I think my son would have a much trickier senior school experience without his friend. The boy spends some of every week in detentions, on the surface he isn't who you would pick to be your child's friend, but I'm so glad I never tried to engineer the situation when they were young.

I would keep an eye on things for a while and see how they progress. I'm glad I let things play out on their own.

cansu · 03/02/2022 20:41

How can you possibly know the other child is the instigator??
You can ask the teachers not to seat them together but they cannot control who your child chooses to play with at break and lunchtime. You need to work on your child's own choices. If they are getting into trouble, it is really for you to deal with that.

Picklesandbeans · 03/02/2022 20:42

Expand social circle. Discipline your child and dobt mention other child. Been in similar situation with ds. I spoke to school too and teacher agreed that the friendship didnt work for either child so did things like made sure carpet spaces weren't together, choose partners for activities rather than letting them choose. Setting lunch seating.

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