To think this advice is twaddle?

[LucyOrli]

Hi all,

I have a 7 week old, and it’s recently been very difficult to get him to nap anywhere but in a sling (he used to nap easily in his basket but now he doesn’t - hard to settle and wakes up after a couple of minutes. Nighttime is fine - he sleeps in his snuzpod). I mentioned this to the health visitor (the napping in the sling thing) and she told me he would become clingy if I did that and I’d be getting him into bad habits which would create problems down the line, and that he needed to learn to be independent. She suggested that I leave him to cry so long as he’s been fed, is clean and safe and there isn’t a reason to think he’s ill or something.

I don’t think controlled crying is tantamount to child abuse or anything like that, nor am I into attachment parenting, but am I being unreasonable to think the “bad habits” thing is a bit premature when he’s only 7 weeks and that it’s more important that he gets enough sleep? Seems like a tall order to expect independence at less than two months. Or am I making a rod for my own back by letting him nap in the sling and not enforcing bassinet naps? For context I’m a FTM and have no idea what I’m doing.

YANBU - However you get him to sleep is fine, it’s the fact that he’s sleeping that matters
YABU - You will regret this later when he’s still trying to nap on you at 8 months old and weighs 50kg!

It's a load of old tosh, OP!

That's appalling advice for a baby still in the fourth trimester and not at all in line with HV guidelines.

Keep baby in the sling if it works for you. Leaving a tiny baby to cry doesn't teach them independence!

The Health Visitor is wrong and very possibly an idiot. Don't take too much notice of them. I used to just nod and smile and see them on their way.

I barely saw HV with my second. There to make me feel shit was not a presence I needed. LO is tiny. Sling her hook not your sling

What utter rubbish. My DD was a mega clingy baby. Would never sleep put down to the point that we took shifts over night so she was always held. She's now a very independent, confident 5 year old. Not remotely clingy. And she grew out of needing to be held in time. I don't regret giving her the comfort she needed for one second.

My DH is a counsellor, specialising in child (so up 18) cases where attachment disorders have ongoing effects eyc.
Don’t pretend to understand the theory fully but I see nothing wrong with lots of cuddles and letting them sleep on you when they are so little- I used to be great at getting children to fall asleep (babysitting and my own DD) and putting them down once asleep.
I also “trained” DD to listen to me reciting a story (Room in the Broom in her case) so when she woke in the night I’d start whispering “ the witch had a cat” and she’d do her little smile and go back to sleep.
Wish I still had that power! (Disclaimer my DD is disabled so has less chance of getting up etc during the night and barely sleeps some night).

It's nonsense- along with being able to spoil a baby, them needing independence etc. Being close, present and with them is what they need and good on you that you've found a way that works for you.

Hang in there and take no notice of unhelpful advice. xx

Oh and to add, though SD can’t yet walk or talk, she heads off in her wheelchair every morning in a taxi, calm and happy as you like, loves school etc. she’d be just fine without me and forms secure attachments fairly easily now (she’s never been clingy except after lockdown one)

Yanbu what an outdated load of bollocks! Your instinct that it's wrong is spot on.

I had a HV like this and she was full of other gems including if I breastfed my baby then he'd never have a bond with his dad.

I'm due my second baby soon and will refuse to see her and ask for someone else if she comes up.

Ds napped on me until 10 months and is now 3 and a half. Has a great bond with daddy and sails happily into nursery often forgetting to say goodbye to me!

Thanks for the replies all! I was a bit surprised tbh and my gut instinct was that it was b0llocks because who gets to 80 and thinks “I wish I’d cuddled my children less”?! Just wanted to be sure that I was right. I can’t help thinking a baby that feels he/she can rely on their parents will be less anxious and therefore clingy (within reason - he’s a very big lad so it’s going to be hard on my back in a couple of months!).

Absolute bollocks OP. Yes, you may want to do something different with your DC when they are 8 months. But you can do that at 8 months. I never buy the "rod for your own back" nonsense, especially with tiny babies. You do things that work, for as long as they work and as long as they suit you. When they no longer work, you do something else. Parenting is hard enough without having to do everything perfectly Now And For All Time. Crack on, sounds as if you're doing brilliantly

@PuntasticUsername Thanks very much!

That is utter bollocks (as you know, because of your supermummy superpower). Be confident that you know your baby better than anyone else, and close your ears to any tuts and so-called advice. You will not spoil your baby by being nice to him.

Swaddling the old fashioned way worked they say because babies like to be confined, a sling does that. I used to clean, mow the grass go for a walk with them in a sling. Whatever works.

@LucyOrli

Thanks for the replies all! I was a bit surprised tbh and my gut instinct was that it was b0llocks because who gets to 80 and thinks “I wish I’d cuddled my children less”?! Just wanted to be sure that I was right. I can’t help thinking a baby that feels he/she can rely on their parents will be less anxious and therefore clingy (within reason - he’s a very big lad so it’s going to be hard on my back in a couple of months!).

You can't develop independence until you have experienced safe and secure dependence. Trying to force "independence" on a developing child before they have a foundation of dependence is damaging.

A 7 week old human does not have the cognitive ability to learn to be independent.

I would laugh at the stupidity if it were not for the fact this was coming from someone in a position of authority spreading damaging misinformation to women who may not feel able to question it.

Good grief, can't believe people are still coming out with tosh like that.

I had my babies in the 80s and even that long ago I never heard anyone spout rubbish like that.

Babies need to be held and cuddled.

A 7 week old with 'bad habits? Your health visitor is an idiot, ignore her.

I see they’re still pulling out the same old tosh.

Who trains HV? Honestly, they served little purpose,when ds was small (now a teen) except to make me feel like I was doing it wrong.

Independence at 7 weeks?

No. I don’t agree. I held my babies a lot when they were tiny. I think it makes them feel secure. All have been good sleepers.

What rubbish!

My daughter lived in her sling for the first few months. She is now 10 months, very independent and sleeps 12hrs through in her own bed (and is put down awake). Enjoy the closeness and do what's right for you. The cuddles don't last for long!

I was happy to have "clingy" babies completely dependent on me.

They are now 22 and 12 and I can reassure you they are not clinging to me!

I say a baby who knows their needs are met will feel more confident to explore the world as toddlers.

Her advice is shockingly bad.

Independent?! He's 7 weeks!

It's totally normal for babies sleep to go through phases of being awful, it's the way they are.

The HV's an idiot. Just nod politely and ignore. You might also want to consider telling her you don't need her to visit any more.

I'm a health visitor dons hard hat and dodges pitch forks

That advice is twaddle and no one on my team would be dishing it out to parents

Terrible heartless advice for such a young baby wow! I haven't even had mine yet (overdue) but have a sling ready for this reason and I'm expecting it.

I'm really surprised the health visitor gave you that advice. It's like something my nan would have said.