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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playgroups

45 replies

Newmamfeb2021 · 03/02/2022 06:33

Really need some advice. Been taking my 11month old to playgroup for a few months now. Everything was fine until recently when the other kids her age started to be aggressive with her. Snatching Everything she picked up off her to the point where she started to get upset. The other mums thought this was amusing and I feel really angry about this. They didn't even attempt to stop their children from doing this and I think that's very wrong. My daughter has the basic concept of sharing and I don't want this to be lost. Do I find another playgroup where the mums are more on my level of parenting or stick it out? Don't want my daughter being upset but then again don't want her to miss out.

OP posts:
Teacupsandtoast · 03/02/2022 06:38

No child has the concept of sharing at 11 months old. You'll never find a playgroup where children don't act like children. Just move her away from the offending child, or offer an alternative toy to either child etc.....they are babies, they aren't aggressive!

Hugasauras · 03/02/2022 06:44

Yeah 11-month-olds do not understand sharing. Some babies just like to hand stuff to other people - this is not 'sharing'. Babies are not aggressive. It's totally normal for babies to snatch stuff from others. At this age all you can do is some performance 'Oh X we have to share' with the knowledge it makes sod all difference at this age Grin Best thing to do is just distract with another toy.

Original poster
Newmamfeb2021 · 03/02/2022 06:48

She does, she hands the others toys out regularly to others. And the snatching and grabbing seemed aggressive to me when my child's arm was being flung around for trying to keep hold of a toy.

OP posts:
Teacupsandtoast · 03/02/2022 06:50

And are you intervening at that point?

110APiccadilly · 03/02/2022 06:52

I'm not sure I agree with PP. My child is 14 months and if she snatches a toy at playgroup I will take it away from her, saying, "No, X was playing with that," and give it back to the child who was playing with it. I'll then try to distract her with a different toy. Does she understand sharing? No, but if I just let her grab any toy she wants from any child she wants I don't see how she ever will.

Original poster
Newmamfeb2021 · 03/02/2022 06:54

Yes, giving them both other toys (which they continue to snatch) saying "we need to share" "let's all have toys to play with" "let's play together " then my child starts to cry and other mums then giggled. Wether this was embarrassment I don't know but I wasn't supported in what I was doing.

OP posts:
Algebraicyourleg · 03/02/2022 06:54

I found the 0-4 playgroups quite hard, because the bigger ones seemed to take over and want to be doing everything pushing the smaller ones out of the way. I get it, they’re just being kids but there is a big difference in development between children at that age.
We now go to a 0-2 playgroup once a week and that has brought on their confidence massively. As it is aimed at younger children there is a huge matted bit for the non walking/crawling babies and then toys with extra walkers for the walking children round the outside. Parents keep an eye out much more on what is going on, I think just by the nature of the age of the children so there is always an adult reminding the 18month+ children to take turns and no pushing etc. Best decision we made was to try this group. Maybe see if there is a 0-2 group near you?

SnotRags · 03/02/2022 06:55

11 month old babies don’t understand sharing but the other parents should at least be starting to lay down the foundations of expected behaviour - not laughing about it

cas66 · 03/02/2022 06:56

I don’t think any babies can purposefully share or be aggressive at 11months, but maybe it’s the parents reaction that is not sitting well? Are there any other playgroups you can try? There may be some more likeminded parents at a different group.

HardbackWriter · 03/02/2022 06:57

She does, she hands the others toys out regularly to others.

Oh bless you. That isn't sharing. She doesn't have any concept of sharing.

If you think it's getting aggressive I'd move her away, but I wouldn't make a huge deal of this unless you want to be very embarrassed when she gets a little older and starts doing this too...

KitchenTowel · 03/02/2022 06:57

At this age you should intervene as should the other parents. Yes, babies don't have a concept of sharing so it's up to the adults to ensure their baby can play in peace and to ensure that their baby lets others play in peace. In the playgroups I have been to the other parents have usually been quite good about it. If they aren't it's s psin as I hate confrontation so I feel for you. If let it go maybe once but then either gently return the toy to your baby or ask the other parent to.

BeardieWeirdie · 03/02/2022 06:58

I’m with you OP, crap parenting on their part. They absolutely should be saying “no Johnny, the little girl was playing with those blocks, why don’t we throw this lovely back instead?”

Whinge · 03/02/2022 06:59

She may give toys and items to others but she has no concept that this is sharing. If you dislike the parents then move groups, but don't blame the aggressive Hmm babies for not sharing.

KitchenTowel · 03/02/2022 06:59

@110APiccadilly

I'm not sure I agree with PP. My child is 14 months and if she snatches a toy at playgroup I will take it away from her, saying, "No, X was playing with that," and give it back to the child who was playing with it. I'll then try to distract her with a different toy. Does she understand sharing? No, but if I just let her grab any toy she wants from any child she wants I don't see how she ever will.
Yes I do that as well and I expect other parents to as well. EzS
Sausagesausagesausage · 03/02/2022 07:07

Your child doesn't understand sharing, the other babies are aggressive.

The other parents are being crap but that's playgroups for you.

Sausagesausagesausage · 03/02/2022 07:08

*other babies aren't aggressive.

Aren't

Jesus, how is there still no edit function here.

toddymummy · 03/02/2022 08:19

I think you need to be more relaxed about it. It's life isn't it. Some parents are going to jump up and quickly sort it out. Some are going to have the occasional laugh about it.

The babies are very young. Unless one is ripping off their arm, I think you're being a bit OTT. If you don't like it, move your baby away from the others.

But your baby also needs to understand that some kids don't share or sometimes not everyone shares. This will show her this concept. I would not be concerned. Babies will be parents and life has many facets.

Momicrone · 03/02/2022 09:15

It's all part of life, and I'm sure it's not happening all.the time

nettune · 03/02/2022 09:42

This is one reason I preferred baby classes to playgroups at that age. Most of them had a full range of identical toys, so each child had their own (sanitised) set. It was even easier during lockdown when the kids had to sit away from each other on their own circle/mat! And parents were expected to sit with their child so properly supervising/interacting with them instead of chatting to each other. Worth looking into classes like that rather than a playgroup OP.

OddSocksSparklyDocsandDungaree · 03/02/2022 09:46

Reminds me of a playgroup I went to with my then 6 month old. She's tiny anyway but a lad of about 2 came over and started taking the toys off her! His Mum found this hilarious. I gently said 'She is playing with this but what about this?' and passed him another. He then proceeded to throw his rubbish in my daughters car seat. Three times I said 'No thankyou!' and showed him the bin whilst his Mum again continued to laugh. He then throwing a huge wooden block at another baby as Mum again thought this was hilarious Hmm

WarmWinterSun · 03/02/2022 09:46

I would keep my child in the group. Unless they are absolute terrors, a bit of snatching and grabbing is developmentally normal at that age. It’s healthy for your child to get used to the behaviour of other children and you can just intervene when appropriate. Getting upset is also part of how they learn. As they get older they will fight, get upset, forget they’re upset, play, then fight… The last thing you want is to wrap your child up in cotton wool and be unable to cope socially

SartresSoul · 03/02/2022 09:49

There’s a toddler at a group I go to who is honestly the most aggressive child I’ve ever met. He’s probably close to 2 now but when I first came across him he was about 14/15 months ish. He bounded over to my then 10 month old and jumped on him, started pulling his hair. I pulled my DS away and the Mum didn’t even apologise, she just moved him away. He came back when my poor baby was sitting on my lap and tried to claw at him and yank his hair again so I was forced to move the child away because the Mum was busy chatting with her mates. I witness his behaviour all of the time now and he’s just getting worse with age. He constantly snatches toys from other children and pushes them over. The Mum just sits there with her friends chatting, occasionally she’ll throw a weak pathetic ‘oh don’t do that darling’ out but she never moves to stop him.

I’ve never come across a child like this before and I have 5 DC so a fair amount of experience. I think some children are poorly behaved from a young age and it’s all to do with how they’re parented.

Steelesauce · 03/02/2022 09:52

Grin theyre not even 1, give em a break. Its completely normal. Wait til theyre 2 and scrapping over the little red car Grin

mummabubs · 03/02/2022 09:53

Your DD hands out toys now, as others have said children at this age don't understand sharing, although her behaviour likely mimics it now. At this age she doesn't have a concept that by giving a toy to someone else it deprives her of it if that makes sense... This will kick in and you'll definitely go through the "not sharing" phase, I promise you!

Having said that it's still good for you to encourage behaviours you want to see (ie letting other children have time with toys too) and equally it's a shame that the other mums found it funny to see a behaviour that they likely won't want to encourage long term. Agree with other PPs that at this age it's not intentional aggression per se, more a communication that they want something because they haven't yet got the verbal skills to communicate it any other way.

HardbackWriter · 03/02/2022 10:02

@nettune

This is one reason I preferred baby classes to playgroups at that age. Most of them had a full range of identical toys, so each child had their own (sanitised) set. It was even easier during lockdown when the kids had to sit away from each other on their own circle/mat! And parents were expected to sit with their child so properly supervising/interacting with them instead of chatting to each other. Worth looking into classes like that rather than a playgroup OP.
I think it's quite sad to actively prefer that your child doesn't interact with another child to remove the terrible 'risk' that a toy they're playing with is taken by another child.

I do always do the 'oh no, she has that, let's go look for something else' thing, and I'd apologise to the parent if it felt warranted, but like a pp said it's essentially a little performance parents put on for each other! I can't really get all that worked up about it, especially now I'm past the PFB stage. I think when I only had an 11 month old they felt like they were nearly a toddler and I must start to treat them like it in terms of expectations, but now I have an older child and an 11 month old it's obvious that my 11 month old is a baby who is completely incapable of understanding the concepts that I so earnestly tried to impress on his brother at the same age and that he's a very long way off being able to do so.