Playgroups

[Newmamfeb2021]

Really need some advice. Been taking my 11month old to playgroup for a few months now. Everything was fine until recently when the other kids her age started to be aggressive with her. Snatching Everything she picked up off her to the point where she started to get upset. The other mums thought this was amusing and I feel really angry about this. They didn't even attempt to stop their children from doing this and I think that's very wrong. My daughter has the basic concept of sharing and I don't want this to be lost. Do I find another playgroup where the mums are more on my level of parenting or stick it out? Don't want my daughter being upset but then again don't want her to miss out.

Passive parents who never say “no share” drove me insane. Kids that young don’t understand but the giggling parent is a twat

At that age it's normal for the kids to snatch at things. Good parents will tell them not to, remind to be gentle, talk about sharing etc; that's literally how children learn to share. There's a huge difference at 2 and 3 between those who have been taught to share and those who've been left to their own devices. Better to find a different playgroup where the parents are more your style.

Wait, are you seriously standing over your child and micromanaging the whole time, and expecting the other parents to do the same? That sounds exhausting. I'd be annoyed too if it happened to my child all the time, I guess, but my goodness, sometimes we just need to let the kids play together and sit back. I did have an awful experience once with a child aggressively pulling my daughter's hair and making her cry for the fun of it, but snatching toys is normal.

Oh dear OP

No child at that age has the concept of sharing.

Either find a different group or when the other girl comes over instigate sharing and chuck her something else to play with. But at that age the best toy is one someone else has.

The mum is dog shit though for finding it funny and not intervening

I don't stand over my child and micromanage her. But I do keep an eye on her and make sure she's not being unkind to other children, albeit unintentionally, yes. I don't think that's unreasonable. As I said earlier, I don't see how she'll learn to interact appropriately with other children if she's never told/ shown how to.

At 11 months, your daughter (however sweet) is not sharing. The entire concept of sharing doesn't come in until much later. In this sense, you are being very PFB.

That said, I would expect other parents to intervene and actively teach their child not to snatch. At this age it wouldn't be understood, but you still need to model and say something along the lines of "Oh dear, we don't snatch. Let's play with this toy instead," otherwise it becomes much harder to instil as they become toddlers and preschoolers.

I think leaving the playgroup over this would be a bit over the top though.

@teatime9999

Wait, are you seriously standing over your child and micromanaging the whole time, and expecting the other parents to do the same? That sounds exhausting. I'd be annoyed too if it happened to my child all the time, I guess, but my goodness, sometimes we just need to let the kids play together and sit back. I did have an awful experience once with a child aggressively pulling my daughter's hair and making her cry for the fun of it, but snatching toys is normal.

Did you miss the part where the baby is 10 months old?! I think most babies require constant care, it’s not micromanaging to abandon your baby on the floor at a playgroup

To NOT abandon, that should say!

I mainly go to playgroups fo chat to other parents. I don’t expect babies to not snatch etc. but I would expect parents to be there to teach, instruct, distract etc. I wouldn’t be much impressed by parents who just sit back and laugh etc. so yeah, I would probably find another group.

I think there are parents that go to groups so their children can socialise and parents that go to groups so the group can look after their kid while they talk to adults.

If another parent is having to tell your child not to do something then you're taking the piss.

Classic mumsnet! 11 month olds who understand sharing and armies of aggressive babies 🤣🤣

My 13 month old is an aggressive little snatcher and other babies at nursery do their fair share of grabbing toys back! It's called being a baby.
Do we balls do sharing at this age. Let them play, grab from each other, have a little rough and tumble! Do them no harm :)

They are babies. They do not understand sharing, they can mimic behaviour but don't have the cognitive ability to understand what it means. And they can't be aggressive, because they don't have the cognition to understanding appropriate behaviour levels, and then go beyond it to be aggressive.

Basically you need to decide whether overall the experience is positive or negative for you. If you find it too stressful then just stop going for six months or so until baby is older.

@bcc89

Urgh this type of parenting gives me the arse. You can parent your kid how you like, but it's not ok to bring them to a group setting and expect everyone else to be cool with your little one bashing and upsetting other kids. It's fine for you to decide what will do your child no harm; you don't get to decide that for all the other babies. So when you bring your child out you should be modelling decent behaviour, no matter how silly you may think that. Because you don't get to unilaterally decide everyone else has to put up with your kid being a pain, or parent her on your behalf because you can't be bothered.

Aggressive babies 🤣🤣🤣

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@bcc89

Urgh this type of parenting gives me the arse. You can parent your kid how you like, but it's not ok to bring them to a group setting and expect everyone else to be cool with your little one bashing and upsetting other kids. It's fine for you to decide what will do your child no harm; you don't get to decide that for all the other babies. So when you bring your child out you should be modelling decent behaviour, no matter how silly you may think that. Because you don't get to unilaterally decide everyone else has to put up with your kid being a pain, or parent her on your behalf because you can't be bothered.[/quote]
Oh for gods sake, they learn by playing together, not by me pulling toys off her every 30 seconds and telling her to "share".

Do you have any friends you meet at the playgroup? I think these sort of issues often seem worse when you’re on your own. It doesn’t sound like it’s the right playgroup for you, I’ve been to a few with both of mine and while you’re never going to get a group of babies and toddlers that don’t snatch(!), I’m sure you could find one with a better fit. Particularly if your daughters not enjoying it anyway. What about something like a singing group or baby sensory? Thats slightly less of a free for all but still gets you and your daughter out and about and being social. My children are both on the shyer side so I get it, but honestly and kindly, they do have to learn about social interactions and managing conflicts. Agree that if another child is hurting/hitting etc I really would expect another parent to intervene. Maybe I’ve been quite lucky at the groups we attend but everyone’s generally pretty good whilst still getting the chance for a much needed adult conversation. I’m a lot less sensitive about it all with my second child though!

@bcc89

The things children learn from playing with each other unsupervised are that the strongest wins, every time. Grown up intervention is how they learn social rules and decent behaviour. Are you one of these parents who think that the best way for kids to resolve disagreements is not to tell a teacher but to have a good honest fistfight in the playground at lunchtime?

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@bcc89

The things children learn from playing with each other unsupervised are that the strongest wins, every time. Grown up intervention is how they learn social rules and decent behaviour. Are you one of these parents who think that the best way for kids to resolve disagreements is not to tell a teacher but to have a good honest fistfight in the playground at lunchtime?[/quote]
Are you joking? I have a little grabby one year old, who loves playing with her little grabby friends and you've gone straight to me telling her to fist fight it out on the playground when she's in school?

HardbackWriter

She does, she hands the others toys out regularly to others.

Oh bless you. That isn't sharing. She doesn't have any concept of sharing.

If you think it's getting aggressive I'd move her away, but I wouldn't make a huge deal of this unless you want to be very embarrassed when she gets a little older and starts doing this too...“

Ours honestly never did the snatching thing at any age, they were handers out too. Funnily enough, they didn’t tend to experience being snatched from, either. Not sure if the two circumstances were related (ie, people didn’t need to snatch stuff from them if it was being handed over already 😁)

Other mums laughing is horrible, though. Wonder how they’d like it if theirs were on the receiving end?