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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why I’m so negative

39 replies

Julia19871 · 02/02/2022 19:17

I’m just such a negative person unlike my DH who is unbelievably positive minded.

I have everything a person realistically needs, a safe house in a good area. Good stable job. Money in the bank. Some friends and family. But I just feel like there’s always something to be negative about. This is not about the house but just an example of my current mindset;

For example, in the house every time I go into a room I see the bad things. The chips on the skirting boards, the kitchen paint that isn’t quite the right colour. The rusty bit on the radiator. I think objectively our house is nice though I appreciate this makes it sound like a hovel!

I think I should have started investing more into my pension younger, that I should have been smart enough to put savings into the stock market in 2020 when we’ve seen huge gains.

Basically even though we’re absolutely fine and by many standard comfortable, I always feel like I could have made better decisions, been smarter, given my family a better life.

How do I break this negative thought pattern?

OP posts:
Hogwarts4Christmas · 02/02/2022 19:19

Following with interest as I'm the same. Sorry, that's not much help to you though.

Original poster
Julia19871 · 02/02/2022 19:21

@Hogwarts4Christmas thank you, even knowing there’s someone out there who is the same makes me feel a bit less mental

OP posts:
Comedycook · 02/02/2022 19:21

I'm the same...I think it's genetic. My father was a total pessimist

Original poster
Julia19871 · 02/02/2022 19:25

@Comedycook my mum is the same but I’m desperate to break this. I am going to go for counselling and will let you all know how I get on. For me it seems like financial decisions are the ones I give myself most hell for (despite my financial decisions on the whole being ‘good’ just not good enough in my opinion Confused

OP posts:
Peachandpearl · 02/02/2022 19:27

I think it's a combination of your natural outlook/character and your level of mental discipline.
My automatic thoughts are quite pessimistic and judgemental, but I correct myself constantly to being kinder, more empathetic, positive and compassionate. So much so that that is part of my outlook and character now, other people don't know that my automatic thoughts are usually so negative.
Some people just have automatic positive thoughts. Some people do to such a degree that they have to self correct negatively to see the world more realistically (the hopeless optimists!)
Then there are people who believe their negative automatic thoughts, some of these don't act on them (but you know they are quietly judging everyone) and others act on these automatic negative thoughts.

Peachandpearl · 02/02/2022 19:29

I have OCD so my automatic negative thoughts are based on fear, I think some peoples are based on fear and hatred, others only on hatred. So I suppose that contributes on whether that's who you are as a person, or a condition you are managing

Luckyelephant1 · 02/02/2022 19:30

I'm the same right down to the positive-minded DH. Again not just about the house but as an example, I also get even worse when I see others have what I want. Like today I went over to a new friends house for the first time and it's stunning, done up in a style that I love. I go home and look around and get so negative about my own home even though we've done it up nicely too. It's not jealousy per se because I'm happy for my friend but yeah. I hate being like this.

Original poster
Julia19871 · 02/02/2022 19:31

Sometimes I think it would be easier just to not deal with these thoughts anymore. I just want to flip a switch and change my internal chatter from perpetual negative to positive or even neutral would be good!

OP posts:
Adatwistscientist · 02/02/2022 19:33

I find that 1/ I quite enjoy being negative and 2/ I often use it as a kind of protection. If I'm negative and assume the worst then it'll stop it being that bad.

Comedycook · 02/02/2022 19:34

[quote Julia19871]@Comedycook my mum is the same but I’m desperate to break this. I am going to go for counselling and will let you all know how I get on. For me it seems like financial decisions are the ones I give myself most hell for (despite my financial decisions on the whole being ‘good’ just not good enough in my opinion Confused[/quote]
Interesting.

I don't know about you, but I'm very analytical. I think this contributes to my negativity. I rarely let loose and enjoy myself totally...as I'm too busy analysing what's going on around me and usually that results in me thinking it's objectively crap. Not sure if that makes sense.

Original poster
Julia19871 · 02/02/2022 19:35

@Luckyelephant1 me too! I went to a friends house which is gorgeous and felt crap about it for weeks. When friends have an amazing relationship it’s the same thing. I always think imagine being so absolutely besotted years after marriage (I love DH for the record this is not about that) Same for jobs. I have a senior public sector job which pays well and benefits but I think ‘yeah but you could have been C-suite if you’d managed your stress better’

OP posts:
Original poster
Julia19871 · 02/02/2022 19:36

Basically, I just think I could have done better, made better choices, pushed harder.

I’m a dick head to myself!

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/02/2022 19:37

Strangely, I get like this when everything in my life is good and easy. When I have challenges and difficulties I'm much more inclined to find the silver lining. It's infuriating as it spoils the good periods. But I often wonder if its a don't get too complacent self protective thing.

DepthOfTheAbyss · 02/02/2022 19:38

This is what all that gratitude and thankfulness stuff is for.
The more you consciously practise it, the more it becomes a habit. I’m always thankful every time I have a shower that I have clean running hot water because when we moved in, our first winter was spent freezing in a drafty old bathroom with a rubbish dribbly water.
Go to bed thinking of all the things you were thankful for that day.

CalIie · 02/02/2022 19:45

I am the same. I think it is due to anxiety and a lack of self worth. I cannot ever accept a compliment and it makes it difficult for me to form relationships.

I’m considering therapy but not sure if it will be of any use. Is that something you’d consider?

Original poster
Julia19871 · 02/02/2022 19:48

@CalIie I’ve just started therapy which I’m hoping will help. My first session was good, I do feel like an arsehole when I know other people on the world have it so much worse than my petty issues but they genuinely seem to take over my brain!

OP posts:
Original poster
Julia19871 · 02/02/2022 19:49

@DepthOfTheAbyss I’ve just downloaded a gratefulness app so will start that. Thanks for your advice

OP posts:
Sh05 · 02/02/2022 19:49

This might be a bit out there but if it's a recent thing then maybe try a bit b12 supplement?
A few months ago I was low on iron and just couldn't swing my mood to see anything positive, the doctor did a full set of blood tests, I knew I wasn't depressed but I just felt so negative.
My iron andb12 were really low, three weeks in I started to feel so much better. She told me b12 dificiency can really effect mood.

Blackopal · 02/02/2022 19:52

Really recommend this book, I think best listened to as an audio book- End The Struggle and Dance With Life.
You absolutely can flip a switch and see life in a positive way, it's not even very hard to do once you start.
Good luck Wine

phoenixrosehere · 02/02/2022 19:56

My DH is like this while I’m the more positive one.

For me, I grew up in an emotionally and mentally toxic environment which no one would ever guess by meeting me. My mother was always negative, my parents were always finding a reason to argue and I was stuck in between. I was never good enough and would always told I’d be better if I did this or was more like that. I was too nice, too sensitive, too trusting, speak up (but only the way they want me to). To not want to be like them, I chose to focus on the positives. For every negative, I would counteract with a positive.

I’d also ask myself if it is something worth putting my energy to, can I actually change or do something about it . If I can’t, I accept it and move on. If I can do something about it, I look into it.

It’s a change of mindset.

minionsrule · 02/02/2022 19:57

I was the same too, always considered the downsides of every situation first, moaned about what I didn't have rather than be happy with what I do have etc.
I'm in the middle of reading a book called The Secret by Rhonda Bryne, it has started changing how I think.
Read it with a VERY open mind. Not sure i get all of it but it does open your mind somewhat.
My DH actually bought it for me Grin

Original poster
Julia19871 · 02/02/2022 19:57

@Sh05 I definitely will do. Recently (last year or so) I’ve really cut down my meat, fish and dairy consumption for ethical/climate change considerations. Probably eat vegetarian 5 days a week and dairy free except 🧀

TBH I’m also drinking more and more which I have just seen decreases B12 too.

Will try a supplement! Thank you, I know you said a bit ‘out there’ but I’m willing to try anything x

OP posts:
Holly60 · 02/02/2022 20:02

It sounds to me like you need to switch your internal monologue. It sounds like habitually you focus on the negative things and things you’d like to change. This can be useful as it is motivating but it seems you’ve gone too far in one direction.

How about being really conscious of trying to switch your thinking. When you find yourself thinking, ‘urgh I really hate the chips on that radiative’, notice yourself doing it and put your focus elsewhere. Try to think about things you do like. So, ‘I really like flooring we chose’ or ‘the view out of the window is stunning’. Instead of ‘I’m so frustrated about my pension’ think ‘I’m so fortunate to have a steady job at the moment, many don’t’.

Holly60 · 02/02/2022 20:03

Radiator, that should read.

Summerof74 · 02/02/2022 20:04

I read the 'power of now' as I was negative and it has changed my perception on life!