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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it too soon for my boyfriend to commit to me?

29 replies

RosaLouisa · 02/02/2022 17:12

Hi,

I have been together with my boyfriend for 10 months, but we began dating 2 months before that. So it has been one year in total from our first date. He is early 40s and I am early 30s. We both have DC from previous relationships. I had my first, and only, as a teenager so never experienced having or raising a child in a loving, stable relationship. He's got 2 DC. Family life is something I have always wanted to experience with the right person.

We were very lucky at the beginning of the relationship as my sister lived with me, he lives 5 minutes away, which meant that we saw each other and could sleep together every night without it disrupting our DC (we'd come after bed time and leave before they woke up). We both feel like we have experienced living together, or at least spending 90% of evenings together after work, as a result. Before Christmas, my sister moved out and it has changed the dynamic of our relationship. We still see each other most days, but it means we can no longer stay over, something which we both really miss.

I really love my boyfriend. He is the best man I have been with and I know he feels the same about me. We are constantly smiling, laughing, we have so much fun together. We've had brief conversations about the future, but nothing concrete. We've talked about more DC and marriage, but he has always been very vague and sort of shrugs it off or says he 'doesn't know.' I've been okay with that until now as I don't want to pressure him and I always felt it was a bit soon anyway. We've now known each other a year, it's been a very intense relationship, and I feel like I want to introduce our children, as well as him giving a proper answer to more DC and marriage. At least an, 'I can see our relationship heading towards marriage and more DC one day.' I'm only getting older, I am beginning to worry I may struggle to conceive.

Do you think it is too soon and when did your boyfriend / partner commit to you, if only verbally?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2022 17:17

We've talked about more DC and marriage, but he has always been very vague and sort of shrugs it off or says he 'doesn't know.'

Perhaps marriage is a possibility, but I'd bet my house he doesn't want any more children. I wouldn't have either when I was in my early 40's. Been there, done that.

If you really, really want more children, you have some serious thinking to do. He may not be the man for you.

EmpressCixi · 02/02/2022 17:22

It’s not too soon for commitment on your part, but it sounds like it is too soon for him on his part. So YABU slightly to think just because you are ready, he should be too. The ages of the DC could have a lot to do with it as most single parents are very hesitant to try and blend families after less than a year in a relationship.

However, YANBU to expect some conversation about the future with more than a simple shrug. Not necessarily marriage and more DC but living together...take it one step at a time.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 02/02/2022 17:27

If you’re serious about him you need to speak to him.

Beamur · 02/02/2022 17:29

You do need to talk about this, but be prepared that he might not want the same things.

Cloudfrost · 02/02/2022 17:33

A year is not that long when you already have kids. What's really concerning is that nowhere in this post have u shown any concern about blending families (and a quick look around MN should make u realise how problematic and difficult it can be), have you even thought about this? Have you considered the impact of this relationship on your and his DC?

What you two have is nothing like living together, a year in with staying overnights.. That's still honeymoon phase.

For what's it worth based on the limited info about him and what he has said, I don't think he wants more kids.
When men of his age say they don't know if they want marriage/kids, it mostly means I don't want those things but i am not gonna tell u in case u leave

stopthepain · 02/02/2022 17:50

You’ve only been together for 10 months and you’ve not been introduced to each other’s dc. You haven’t lived together either. Why are you already talking about marriage and more dc? Sounds really intense.

lunar1 · 02/02/2022 18:01

It doesn't matter what any of us would be ready for. You have spoken to him, and he doesn't know yet. That's your answer for now, he isn't ready for more.

A year is very quick when you are already parents. If his answer doesn't fit in with your plans then you need to decide if you want to wait and how long for.

Adeleskirts · 02/02/2022 18:06

But you’ve already basically asked him and had your response. If he wished to commit to you you’d have had a different response. He’s told you he doesn’t know. Which you know means he is not feeling that way yet

Of course you have not lived together, because you spent nights together. Living together involves sharing house hold chores, money, managing children, and everything else invovled. Step kids staying, blended families. I’m sorry but daily sex after dark does not equate to living together.

But on saying that, you clearly wish a commitment and are just biding your time. You can ask again, but it’s highly likely he will give the same response.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/02/2022 18:16

If I was a man in my 40s with DC I would not want more. You’ll have to press him for a concrete answer if it’s a dealbreaker for you.

blyn72 · 02/02/2022 18:24

Why can you not enjoy things as they are for a while longer? Making a commitment, by which I assume you mean thinking of a future together, occupying the same house, is a huge step. If he cares for you and doesn't have other girlfriends, he is already committed to you as far as it goes. Many would love such a relationship.

Original poster
RosaLouisa · 02/02/2022 18:26

I know we have a while to go until we'd actually get to these situations. I don't take lightly blending families. I just feel like our relationship is 'stuck', in that we aren't really moving forward in terms of introducing DC, thinking about living together when the time is right, plans for the far future (marriage, more DC). Am I mad to think that after a year together, with the intensity it has been, it should at least be a consideration that it's something we'd like to do together in the future, all continuing to go well?

With previous partners I've had, we've always been on the same page about marriage, children, for example 'Yes I'd love to get married one day', or 'Yes I could see us having children one day.' That is I guess what I am looking for, rather than an I don't know? I don't really want to introduce my DC with things being so vague either.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/02/2022 18:40

I do see the issue of of discussing a timeline and to see if your in the same page. What would be the point of continuing the relationship if he doesnt want to have more kids.

Original poster
RosaLouisa · 02/02/2022 18:48

@Hankunamatata Exactly, there isn't a point. Especially getting our DC involved, to only break up over a fundamental difference that should have been worked out...

I guess what is also influencing my mindset is that, to be honest, most couples I know, including those with DC from past relationships, didn't mess around when they found 'the one'. They were all married, living together, pregnant within a couple of years... Does it really take years and years to make commitments, even if only verbal discussion of time lines? It doesn't seem that way in my experience!

OP posts:
KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 18:54

If he wanted to commit to you in that way you would know. Men don’t keep their desire to commit secret. They only ever keep their desire to not commit secret but not giving a straight answer.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 02/02/2022 18:56

Firstly I don’t think he wants more DC.
Secondly in answer to your question about timelines. I was also a teen mum, I started dating my now DH in the summer, he moved in with me in the Autumn we got engaged at the Christmas and married the following early autumn. We’ve been together nearly 27 years ago and I knew him a little bit before we started dating and my DC was nearly 7 when we got together.
I do agree it can happen quite quickly when you meet the right person but not if one of you is more keen than the other or needs to push it along or push for answers.

Original poster
RosaLouisa · 02/02/2022 19:03

@KarenTheGammonRemoaner

I think this deep down too Sad

OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 02/02/2022 19:03

If you're early 30s and had your child when you were a teenager, that would make them a young teen now, I'm guessing. Did you really manage to sneak your boyfriend in overnight without your DC ever knowing?

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 19:08

[quote RosaLouisa]@KarenTheGammonRemoaner

I think this deep down too Sad[/quote]
No, this is absolutely the case.

Right, you want to know what to do?

I'm not sure your circumstances in depth so just apply this advice to your circumstances.

Three days you withdraw.
That doesn't mean be a bitch or ignore him. It means for three days you just do your own thing to see his reaction.

Answer him, respond to him, but be wholly unbothered but not in a nasty way. Live life, see people, “forget” about him, not in a malicious way but in a ‘oh sorry I'm just so busy way.’

He will either chase you and be like ‘hey why are you off with me?!’ because he will panic about losing you.

Or he will drift away and then you just let him drift until he's gone.

Because if you don’t let him drift he will still drift but your dignity will be drifting with him.

Does this sound like something you can do?

Cloudfrost · 02/02/2022 19:12

most couples I know, including those with DC from past relationships, didn't mess around when they found 'the one'.

That's your answer then, he doesn't think you are the one. Maybe not yet or maybe not ever.

If having more kids is a deal breaker for you, you need to sit him now down and plainly state, look our relationship is not at that point and it may never get to that point, but I want more kids and marriage in my future. I want to be at that point in my life in the next x years. I don't want to waste my fertile years waiting around for someone to make up their mind if they want those things or not. Do you see yourself having those things in x years?

Its very weird that u have been a year with him and have no idea where he stands on the topic. If marriage and more kids are a big deal breaker for you, you should establish thjs info earlier on.
But also a guy who has been asked and has said he doesn't know, either doesn't want those kids or he is so indecisive that will waste your fertile years making up their mind

Adeleskirts · 02/02/2022 22:02

Op but even if he says he’d like marriage or kids in the future, it doesn’t mean it will ever happen or he wishes them with you, it’s not a promise, or an engagement, right?

Can I ask, you say your sister has moved out, and now the dynamic has changed, so you feel him slipping away, is that’s what is causing this?

DilemmaDelilah · 03/02/2022 08:52

My DH told me he loved me within 2 months of meeting me. I was completely are of his commitment within 6 months.

cjpark · 03/02/2022 09:00

The only way you'll know is to talk to him OP. If he's going to feel 'pressured' by a talk about your future which is obviously causing worry, he's not the person for you. Better to know now than later.
Personal experience - if a man wants to commit he'll tell you and quickly! I was in longish relationships and there was no thought or want of commitment from either side, but then met DH, was engaged within a year and married a year later. Be open with him.

Thirtytimesround · 03/02/2022 09:08

I don’t think it does take years and years to decide what you want when you meet the right person.

I think then problem is, he’s in his forties and has two children. He probably doesn’t want to have babies 😔 or at least is hoping to postpone that conversation until you’ve ‘timed out’. I’m sorry OP.

It is very very hard for women to raise this stuff, men want to be the one asking for marriage and kids but then they don’t ask 🤦‍♀️ I guess all you can do is tell him you’d love to have a baby with him. Or propose 😬 But I suspect he likes things how they are and wants them to stay that way.

Darbs76 · 03/02/2022 09:21

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to move forward and you know that it would be at the right pace for the children involved. By not giving you an answer it sounds like he’s not ready for that. Agree with others that early 40’s he’s probably not overly keen to have more children. My brother remarried again mid 40’s and he knew his wife wanted children as she didn’t have any. She’s due a baby in spring and in all honesty I don’t think it’s what he really wanted. That’s not to say he won’t love and cherish that child, but his first children he had in his early - mid 20’s and so they have grown up now. It is a big lifestyle change and not all men want that. He needs to be honest with you

GiantHaystacks2021 · 03/02/2022 09:25

He doesn't want any more kids.
And not with you, either.

Sounds like he's not that into you.
I'll be amazed if he wants to marry to you, to be honest