Is it too soon for my boyfriend to commit to me?

[RosaLouisa]

Hi,

I have been together with my boyfriend for 10 months, but we began dating 2 months before that. So it has been one year in total from our first date. He is early 40s and I am early 30s. We both have DC from previous relationships. I had my first, and only, as a teenager so never experienced having or raising a child in a loving, stable relationship. He's got 2 DC. Family life is something I have always wanted to experience with the right person.

We were very lucky at the beginning of the relationship as my sister lived with me, he lives 5 minutes away, which meant that we saw each other and could sleep together every night without it disrupting our DC (we'd come after bed time and leave before they woke up). We both feel like we have experienced living together, or at least spending 90% of evenings together after work, as a result. Before Christmas, my sister moved out and it has changed the dynamic of our relationship. We still see each other most days, but it means we can no longer stay over, something which we both really miss.

I really love my boyfriend. He is the best man I have been with and I know he feels the same about me. We are constantly smiling, laughing, we have so much fun together. We've had brief conversations about the future, but nothing concrete. We've talked about more DC and marriage, but he has always been very vague and sort of shrugs it off or says he 'doesn't know.' I've been okay with that until now as I don't want to pressure him and I always felt it was a bit soon anyway. We've now known each other a year, it's been a very intense relationship, and I feel like I want to introduce our children, as well as him giving a proper answer to more DC and marriage. At least an, 'I can see our relationship heading towards marriage and more DC one day.' I'm only getting older, I am beginning to worry I may struggle to conceive.

Do you think it is too soon and when did your boyfriend / partner commit to you, if only verbally?

I'll be amazed if he wants to marry to you, to be honest
Don't hold back here!

If you want more children then it doesn't sound as though he's the one for you. If you do have the conversation, he may just say what you want to hear but you'll be back on MN in 2 years asking the same questions. Personally, I'd drop into conversation that I definitely want more children then leave it be. If he doesn't pick up on it then you've got to do some serious thinking about what you do next.

If you want to have more children and you’re absolutely certain of this then you need to make that clear to him. If he isn’t interested then you need to decide from there whether he is more important to you than future children. Don’t hold out for him changing his mind either, people generally don’t. I’d make this decision before introducing one another to your children personally.

I think you need to try and separate the conversation on children and marriage.

He has 2 DC already. His first commitment is to them. You have at least one - your first commitment. After that you have the complications of trying to blend families and live together. That's a lot on your plate already - at least three kids, blended. It's very very unlikely he wants to introduce more kids into that, just as some kind of "completion token" for the new relationship.

He may not even want to get married because he firstly wants to protect the interests of his two existing kids. It's even less likely he wants to introduce more children to the situation, because most people don't choose to have more than three children, even in non-blended families.

I think in your situation he’s not the one you probably need to find somebody who hasn’t got any children of their own and is a bit near your age.

When I was days in brutal as this sounds I had a checklist of people that I knew the situation would work with and somebody who already has two children and in their early 40’s, unless he is very wealthy, it’s just too late for him to do what you want him to do.