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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know im being totally unreasonable but how do i stop

28 replies

iknowitssilly · 02/02/2022 15:35

Ive name changed for this as its rather embarrassing.

I have 3DCs, happily married and generally a happy and very rational person.

Ive got an issue which is progressively getting worse, I cannot sleep without my DH at home.

DH goes out maybe a few times a month socializing which im absolutely fine with but im now becoming terrified when i go to bed, i listen for noises, look out for ghosts ( i dont even bloody believe in them), imagine hearing things.

I lie in bed with the covers over my ears, the hall light on but still im absolutely terrified.

I cant pinpoint when this started happening and i also know that nothing has happened to cause this.

I try and walk myself back in my head, try and rationalize and reason with myself but it doesnt work.

Im looking for some tips on anything thats helped others deal with this

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/02/2022 15:41

Would CBT help?

Can you recall when you first started noticing it?

Thedogscollar · 02/02/2022 15:46

I'm a bit like this if dh is out overnight.
I spend it on AIBU with the bedside light on.
I eventually fall asleep about 3am. Not helpful I know but it stops me overthinking every little noise in the night.

RegardingMary · 02/02/2022 15:47

I have exactly this OP.
I'm so used to him being there, we go to bed together every night and I honestly have a feeling of dread on the rare occasion he isn't here.

I generally just round up a couple of kids and dogs to fill the bed up which helps a bit.

Original poster
iknowitssilly · 02/02/2022 15:50

I’ve never had any form of counselling or therapy so no idea if it would help.

No I can’t se to pinpoint the exact night it started. I had my 3rd DC at the start of lockdown and obvs no one was going out so maybe I started relying on DH always being in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
iknowitssilly · 02/02/2022 15:52

@RegardingMary and @Thedogscollar

It’s awful isn’t it.

I will admit I’ve went into one of DCs bed on occasion just so I’m not totally alone but even then it doesn’t totally go away.

DH doesn’t need to be in the bed with me but as long as he’s in the house I sleep like a baby lol

OP posts:
Sharrowgirl · 02/02/2022 15:54

I can’t get to sleep when DH is out and I’m definitely more on edge, listening for noises etc. So I don’t think you’re unusual.

I don’t know what the answer is though.

LeQuern · 02/02/2022 16:04

I do feel for you. I live alone and for years, I lived in a flat (3rd floor) so felt very secure. Then I moved to a detached house and had to get used to feeling more insecure.

Things that have helped…

  1. Ring camera in the back garden & Ring doorbell
  1. Lock on bedroom door.
  1. Reminding myself that after 2 nights, weeks, months, years, no ghost has yet to make an appearance (and my house is 230 years old).
  1. A good friend of mine is a criminal barrister. They are seeing a massive reduction in burglaries since covid (everyone is at home).
  1. Knowing one can call 999 from a mobile without speaking if one really needs to.
  1. The reason house break ins resulting in murder / assault make the news is because they are extremely rare. We are very safe in our homes.

Sleep well OP.

RhodaDendron · 02/02/2022 16:06

Is there an activity you could do until you fall asleep? When I’m anxious I find I can sometimes read a really engrossing novel until I fall asleep? Would that distract you from the fear?

Ponoka7 · 02/02/2022 16:09

A lot of women have some form of anxiety to things that they didn't think twice about, after having a baby. Mine was a fear of heights. We naturally become more risk adverse. So there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/02/2022 16:10

I lived alone for several years and then with small children. Even though I had a house alarm, I had difficulty sleeping. Then I got two small dogs. They slept on my bed. They were very alert and yappy. I reasoned that any creaky sound that was not "normal" they would bark at. If they weren't bothered, no reason for me to be. So I slept soundly.
That was 40 years ago. The children are grown and gone now and I am sleeping alone - with two small yappy dogs. I sleep well.

RegardingMary · 02/02/2022 16:15

@Ponoka7

It's amazing you've said that.

For me I loved a night alone until we had our first. We used to sleep in an attic room and when we started to think about moving DS into his own room I wouldn't have him on the floor below us. I had all these nightmares about thieves looking for us and finding little DS first.

Tal45 · 02/02/2022 16:27

I wonder if it's anxiety (from your DH not being there) leading to intrusive thoughts (about ghosts etc). The thing is it's a vicious circle because knowing you're going to be worried about being alone/ghosts makes you anxious and the anxiety leads to intrusive thoughts about ghosts.

BlingLoving · 02/02/2022 16:31

I think anxiety after a baby is not unusual and for it to present in this form after 2 years of Covid seems entirely understandable to me.

I would think that a few sessions of therapy probably would help. or explore some of those courses/techniques for anxiety - DH used to do this thing where when he started having intrusive thoughts he'd do this complicated patting hand/face routine. He learnt it somewhere and it really helped him.

For me, having pets is, I think, what helps. I know that the dog (or even the cat for that matter) would be alert if there was anything wrong and that used to reassure me if DH was out and I was home with DC alone.

Original poster
iknowitssilly · 02/02/2022 16:39

I’m glad is seems more “normal” than I thought!!

I try and watch or read something really lighthearted before I go to bed when DH is out.

OP posts:
Original poster
iknowitssilly · 02/02/2022 16:40

@Tal45 that’s exactly it!!!

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 02/02/2022 16:54

I used to be like this.
I’m a single parent and live alone.

I think it stems from being the only protector in the house so your body is subconsciously prepared for fight or flight and every tiny noise and movement is heightened.

My only advice is:
Be rational about how many times a ghost has attacked you/someone’s broken in.
Don’t watch scary movies.
Have the doors locked and your phone next to you.
And get an early night - the more tired you are the worse it is I think.

Bootiesandsocks · 02/02/2022 16:55

Unless there are rational reasons for you to be worried, it's probably anxiety and a bit of CBT or talking therapy would be really helpful. Nothing to be embarrassed about!

I can be the same when left alone at night, however I have a large and extremely loud dog so I feel quite safe. He would be next to useless if anyone had the brass to continue their housebreaking whilst he was howling at them (this dog is the definition of "all bark no bite") but the racket he makes is enough of a deterrent, I think. Perhaps enough to scare off a few ghosts, too.

gogohm · 02/02/2022 16:59

I admit I'm not looking forward to being here alone, will be the first time in 2 years - first time since we officially lived together and the first in this house. He has stayed at his mums a couple of times but the kids were here, they are back at university now. It's a 10 day work trip ... pre pandemic he travelled for up to 2 weeks a month but we didn't live together and I lived half way across the country. I'm dreading it, irrational I know. Every creek ...

Bootiesandsocks · 02/02/2022 17:13

@gogohm podcasts/audiobooks help to drown out any creaking or weird noises.

As PP have said, going to bed early is also crucial as everything seems scarier in the middle of the night. Get into bed nice and early with a hot chocolate and a good podcast/book/tv show on your laptop.

Have a soothing bedtime routine too- have a bath or take a bit of time on your skincare/body lotion/nice smellies etc etc.

Generally just try to get as relaxed as possible and don't put off going to bed as that will make the anxiety worse.

Sound is key for me so I'd whack a podcast on whilst I get ready for bed too.

If all else fails, sleep with a nightlight on. Nobody says you have to sleep in the dark as an adult.

RedHelenB · 02/02/2022 17:57

@iknowitssilly

Ive name changed for this as its rather embarrassing.

I have 3DCs, happily married and generally a happy and very rational person.

Ive got an issue which is progressively getting worse, I cannot sleep without my DH at home.

DH goes out maybe a few times a month socializing which im absolutely fine with but im now becoming terrified when i go to bed, i listen for noises, look out for ghosts ( i dont even bloody believe in them), imagine hearing things.

I lie in bed with the covers over my ears, the hall light on but still im absolutely terrified.

I cant pinpoint when this started happening and i also know that nothing has happened to cause this.

I try and walk myself back in my head, try and rationalize and reason with myself but it doesnt work.

Im looking for some tips on anything thats helped others deal with this

I used to hate it too but when I ended up on my own moat nights it stopped bothering me.
lljkk · 02/02/2022 18:08

Covid controls have been very unkind by encouraging everyone to be anxious.

LeQuern · 02/02/2022 18:10

I am Chopped Liver! 😂

mumof2exhausted · 02/02/2022 18:30

Oh my goodness I was so glad to read this as I am exactly like this. It’s so weird as it’s not like my husband is particularly big or strong but I think it’s like someone said when you are home alone you are the sole protector for the kids. Takes me forever to get to sleep as I hear every creak. I check in every room before going to bed (quite a big house) and triple check all doors are properly locked. I often get out of bed to check the locks.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 02/02/2022 18:50

I have this. Though strangely not with my ex.
My DP goes away on business trips and last time I had to take sleeping tablet each night. Awful. I've never in my life felt lonely and now I get lonely. It's a curse!

Av0bo55 · 02/02/2022 19:06

I get this!
It’s awful I get panic attacks too
I worry and can’t switch off!