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AIBU?

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Original poster

City break with heavier drinker

70 replies

boringbertha1 · 02/02/2022 10:06

During the pandemic I made a lot of plans to spend more time with friends. This particular friend and I had a night away a few months ago and 5 days in March for a milestone birthday for her.

We generally get along great but I noticed on our last trip how much she drinks. I've pretty much stopped over the past couple of years as the hangovers just aren't worth it. She made a remark about how she 'hates people that don't drink' and there was a little bit of tension.

I will have a drink but for example, when we went out for dinner I had water with my meal and then a cocktail as a dessert and she had two double vodkas with her meal and then a cocktail with dessert and we were in the restaurant under an hour (then she halved the bill). We went out to the theatre and she got a bottle of wine for during the show. I had nipped to Tesco to get water and crisps etc for the hotel room and she said she didn't want anything and would just get something from the bar. She got another double vodka from the hotel bar.

This holiday is non refundable and I am looking forward to it but I'm already having concerns about her drinking and her attitude to me not drinking. She's suggested we book the airport lounge as you get 4 drinks included. I don't travel well so can see myself having a soft and her having 7 drinks. It's her birthday trip and I don't want to 'ruin' it by being boring but I can't think of anything worse than getting completely hammered all week out of awkwardness.

OP posts:
zafferana · 02/02/2022 10:08

So is it just you and her going away? If so, I can see why you're worried.

rookiemere · 02/02/2022 10:15

Sorry this isn't helpful but I can see this being a real issue.

Went away on a city break with DH recently and in the end I had to discuss it with him. As someone who can just about manage a couple of glasses of wine with dinner I actually found it really boring nursing a fizzy water for an hour before dinner and having to go to bars afterwards.

We worked out that usually when we went away we'd have evening plans like a show or something but because of covid we hadn't booked, plus we were used to eating dinner earlier so more evening to fill.

DH took it on board and we've agreed to change way of doing things going forward.

With your friend I think you need to schedule in things to do that aren't focused around drinking and don't be worried about appearing boring, I find people who spend all their time drinking and half sozzled pretty tedious.

I'd go to the lounge but tell her in advance that you'll not be drinking at that time of day.

rookiemere · 02/02/2022 10:16

How many nights are you away and what's the destination?

BarbaraofSeville · 02/02/2022 10:19

Do you think her concern is that you won't be 'pissed' with her as in she sees you as less fun will remember her drunken behaviour or that she wants you to pay towards the cost of her drinking?

Because either way it's a worry and pretty mean of her to split the cost 50/50 when the cost of what you're having is so much less than what she drinks.

TheOccupier · 02/02/2022 10:29

I suspect I have more in common with the friend in this scenario... I don't HAVE to drink, but I sure like to Grin

Unless friend's drinking is a liability, I think you just need to say what you'll be doing and stick to it, and let her get on with enjoying the holiday her way. And don't split bills equally if friend's drinking far more than you!

rookiemere · 02/02/2022 10:34

Actually she sounds like a functioning alcoholic if this was all on one night - 2 x double vodkas, a cocktail, a bottle of wine and a further double vodka.

Original poster
boringbertha1 · 02/02/2022 11:12

@rookiemere

How many nights are you away and what's the destination?
London for 5 nights. We have activities (concert/theatre) planned every night but I know she'll want to be drinking heavily.

And yes, I suspect sometimes those who are bothered by people not drinking are scared you're going to tell them what they did!

OP posts:
TheLoupGarou · 02/02/2022 11:15

If she's a friend can't you talk to her about this?

Hugasauras · 02/02/2022 11:18

Sounds like you might just be a bit incompatible for holidays. I have friends who I love to see for a few hours, but would definitely not be a good idea to go on holiday with as we just aren't compatible in that sense.

Original poster
boringbertha1 · 02/02/2022 11:20

@Hugasauras

Sounds like you might just be a bit incompatible for holidays. I have friends who I love to see for a few hours, but would definitely not be a good idea to go on holiday with as we just aren't compatible in that sense.
Yes I agree and I didn't quite realise till the last trip and I'd already booked the next one!
OP posts:
Pancakeorcrepe · 02/02/2022 11:21

I’m sure you can refund some of the activities. I would bow out now so she can find someone to replace you. I’ve been in the same situation as the non-drinker and it is a nightmare combination. It just doesn’t work, if she is saying stuff like “I hate people who don’t drink”. I was so embarrassed to be with a friend who was already downing pints at 0700 in the morning in the airport, it’s just not me.

Prettybubblesintheair · 02/02/2022 11:28

I think as it’s her birthday and you clearly value this friend I think for this trip you’ll just have to suck it up. Definitely don’t pay for her drinks, like if she tries to halve a bill when you’ve had water and one cocktail and she’s had doubles etc it’s fine to say I’m sorry but I can’t pay half, I can pay for what I had. Maybe you could offer to pay for one meal as it’s her birthday. But after this don’t go away with her again, unless her drinking is a problem and she’s a liability then I think you just have to accept that you and her differ when it comes to alcohol and any trips that typically involve drinking are always going to cause tension. Stick to coffees, walks, an evening meal out but not days of just you and her because that obviously doesn’t work for your friendship. You could try to encourage her to drink less but people who like a drink to unwind tend to be defensive if questioned. It doesn’t seem fair to choose her birthday as the time to do that, you’ve been away with her previously so you know what you signed up for with this trip!

Good luck op, I hope you manage to enjoy it.

InisnaBro · 02/02/2022 11:33

@rookiemere

Actually she sounds like a functioning alcoholic if this was all on one night - 2 x double vodkas, a cocktail, a bottle of wine and a further double vodka.
Yes, she sounds as if she has a drink problem to me too.
Original poster
boringbertha1 · 02/02/2022 11:35

@Prettybubblesintheair

I think as it’s her birthday and you clearly value this friend I think for this trip you’ll just have to suck it up. Definitely don’t pay for her drinks, like if she tries to halve a bill when you’ve had water and one cocktail and she’s had doubles etc it’s fine to say I’m sorry but I can’t pay half, I can pay for what I had. Maybe you could offer to pay for one meal as it’s her birthday. But after this don’t go away with her again, unless her drinking is a problem and she’s a liability then I think you just have to accept that you and her differ when it comes to alcohol and any trips that typically involve drinking are always going to cause tension. Stick to coffees, walks, an evening meal out but not days of just you and her because that obviously doesn’t work for your friendship. You could try to encourage her to drink less but people who like a drink to unwind tend to be defensive if questioned. It doesn’t seem fair to choose her birthday as the time to do that, you’ve been away with her previously so you know what you signed up for with this trip!

Good luck op, I hope you manage to enjoy it.

Our last trip was our first time away together and we'd already booked the second one. Quite often our evenings at home would be we would meet for a concert or something and have fun and then she'd head into town afterwards to head to a club and I'd be boring and go home. I hadn't quite realised we clashed a bit too much for going away!

I don't think I really mind her drinking that much, more than I'm conscious of myself not drinking. Well, apart from the financial side of it which is a bit annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
boringbertha1 · 02/02/2022 11:37

Forgot to add as well, our last trip involved a 3 hour train journey and she brought 5 cans of premixed drinks for it and ran out halfway through.

Her behaviour isn't bad, she's not loud or disruptive or a general pest but she does seem determined to neck as much alcohol as possible.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 02/02/2022 11:39

If you have shows and activities booked I think it will be ok.

Maybe talk about how you want to split costs before you go rather than making it about the drinking. Invent some imaginary event you need to budget for so when you don't want to pay for her Expresso Martinis it doesn't look so obvious. Maybe the lounge is a good place to start, say that you'll be pushing it to have one drink at that time of day and would rather go for some food instead.

Don't worry about appearing boring. She sounds like she has an alcohol addiction tbh.

HollowTalk · 02/02/2022 11:43

Each of those cans is 2 units though, so 10 units just on the train!

Pancakeorcrepe · 02/02/2022 11:44

Five cans on a three hour journey 😱 at least it sounds like she can handle her drink, if she doesn’t get loud or boisterous. My friend does and it is just embarrassing.

Oblomov22 · 02/02/2022 11:57

This is tricky. I am more like her. I can drink tonnes. I don't get pissed. I can also drink nothing and enjoy all the above scenarios on a fizzy water. And would never dream on commenting on someone's non drinking.

I Actually have this exact scenario coming up next year for my 50th. I'm wondering How I am going to manage: including my best best friend from uni who now doesn't drink at all, with the rest of my friends some of which to drink to varying degrees, some who'd like drinking a lot. I will probably go to bed at 11 o'clock and some of them will stay up drinking. and I'm wondering how we are going to incorporate all of us, if we go abroad to a European city for two nights.

burnoutbabe · 02/02/2022 12:04

i do lounges at airports with my partner as its a nicer experience.

He drinks, i don't. But i make sure i will enjoy the free snacks and the free tea/coffee/soft drinks and a generally nicer chair for a few hours.
(and it it wasn't 9am i may have ONE baileys or fizzy)

But its probably not worth it for a short haul flight. It was worth it when you need to arrive ages early for a long haul one (and i like to be there EARLY)

Original poster
boringbertha1 · 02/02/2022 12:10

@burnoutbabe

i do lounges at airports with my partner as its a nicer experience.

He drinks, i don't. But i make sure i will enjoy the free snacks and the free tea/coffee/soft drinks and a generally nicer chair for a few hours.
(and it it wasn't 9am i may have ONE baileys or fizzy)

But its probably not worth it for a short haul flight. It was worth it when you need to arrive ages early for a long haul one (and i like to be there EARLY)

I do fancy doing it and especially as its her birthday but her hard sell is very much 'cheaper than the airport pub'.
OP posts:
ThreeLocusts · 02/02/2022 12:12

The big danger is that she tries to bully you into drinking, as she's already said she 'hates' non-drinkers. Don't be bullied, be friendly but firm about your own consumption limits.

She does sound like a problem drinker. You won't want to bring this up unless you are willing to ruin the trip, but maybe share your concerns afterwards.

5128gap · 02/02/2022 12:18

You're really not suited OP, sorry. I would probably not be booking any more breaks with her and if possible id be looking at whether she could take a more like minded person on her birthday trip. If she can't and she is a good friend, I think I'd be inclined to go along with what she wants given its her special occasion. Obviously I wouldn't drink drinks I didn't want, or split the bill for her drinks; but beyond that, for this one trip, I wouldn't interfere with what she wants to do, and would tolerate any inconvenience. To be fair, if she's not lairy or a nuisance, provided you stop subsidising her, it shouldn't impact you too much as you're doing activities and not just stuck in bars watching her drink.

Tiramysu · 02/02/2022 12:20

Could you tell her you've given up alcohol so won't be drinking and is there anyone else she'd rather take? Make the problem you not her (you aren't but drinkers often get defensive about it)

toastie2 · 02/02/2022 12:24

My closest friend isn't a drinker partly due to lifestyle (lives in the middle of nowhere and has to drive everywhere) and partly due to medication she's on. I would normally have a drink if sitting in with a friend but I find I take her lead and go without and it doesn't bother me at all. I have other friends I do other things with.

Even if you're good friends it seems this sort of trip isn't ideal for either of you and as its her birthday it might be an idea to see if someone else can go with her.