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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel pretty inadequate compared to partner's colleague

54 replies

Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 02/02/2022 07:29

I am probably paranoid but i just feel like she has more going for her than I do.
She looks more attractive with a better figure (though I know that's entirely subjective)
I'm sure my partner thinks she's incredibly attractive.
She drives and I don't as i failed many times and gave up.
My partner likes very specific books and whilst we share 1 or 2 in common he told me that they have pretty much both read all of the same books, ones that I'd not even heard of.
She has a degree and a Masters, as do I but she got a first and I got a 2:2 (I'm being ridiculous now i know)
She works full time with my partner in a job that doesn't seem related to the studies at all but i found her on LinkedIn and she seems to do this very high flying job on a freelance basis
I'm proud of the work i do, it isn't fantastically paid, i mean I manage fine but they are relatively low paid roles even though I have the qualifications.
I help vulnerable children and adults for a living, I'm proud of it. But you could tell he was really interested and impressed by what she does when he told me. I'm sure she has more money than me too.
She's exactly his age whereas I'm 3 years older (probably meaningless but might help him feel more connected)
I'm also relatively quiet and introverted whereas she's more outgoing by the looks of it.

I know comparison is the thief of joy. However I just feel like nothing in comparison, i know i have things to be proud of but i just feel like she's a much better 'catch' overall.
I know people will say 'he has chosen to be with you', that is true but i don't think such things are always black and white, I think there are often nuances in between such as 'if you weren't together he'd like to be with her'.

How do I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 02/02/2022 07:31

Apparently she's very mature and very 'neat and tidy' at work and very organised

OP posts:
Schools2023 · 02/02/2022 07:32

They sound really similar so will probably make great friends but you never want two identical people in a relationship. I have lots of male friends who are very similar but we would kill each other if we were married, you need a balance.

IncompleteSenten · 02/02/2022 07:33

Does he talk about her a lot?

itstoobloodyearly · 02/02/2022 07:35

To be honest the things you've listed are tiny (higher classification or a degree doesn't matter if you love someone!). Has he given you any reason to doubt him? If not, I think you need to try and let this go however you go about it. Things like this will destroy you.

Traumdeuter · 02/02/2022 07:37

It’s good that you’ve recognised how destructive your feelings are.

Firstly, if he wanted to be with someone else then he would be. Your relationship isn’t a force field. If she is the opposite to you in so many ways, and your partner is attracted to you, then surely that means she’s not his type?!

Secondly, why is the colleague discussed so much? I couldn’t tell you anything about DH’s colleagues other than the occasional name, and he’s the same with me. It’s not interesting evening chat!

Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 02/02/2022 07:37

He doesn't talk about her that much now, there was just one day where he did and I felt a bit upset but fortunately not that much.
It does make me worry they're more similar than us but i can hardly say that.
She seems a lot more mature than I even though I'm a few years older and has her life more 'together' though I don't even know her personally so what do I know.

I'll try to stop thinking this and move on

OP posts:
HacerSonarSusPasos · 02/02/2022 07:37

This level of insecurity is draining for both you and your partner. You deal with it by going to therapy and figuring out where it stems from. And/or by putting a lot of work into bettering yourself constantly even if it's in tiny ways.

Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 02/02/2022 07:38

Yeah I just felt like he was gushing about her one day.

That's true, but what if only stays with me out of guilt/familiarity/he's not sure if she likes him/they work together?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 02/02/2022 07:39

I've never mentioned it to my partner so I can't really say it's draining for him
I do try to better myself but feel like it's not good enough

OP posts:
Ipadflowers · 02/02/2022 07:39

I think this is about jealousy of her and insecurity in yourself and your relationship. Is this the first time this has ever happened to you or do you have previous for it?

It’s unusual to be comparing yourself to work colleagues like this, so I think trying to resolve what’s causing your insecurity and jealousy is key, is it something he’s doing, something in the relationship or is it something in you?

something2say · 02/02/2022 07:40

You need to be wise here.
There will always be people better than us.
If you focus on that, you'll be sad.
Focus on YOU.

I do get it, I went out with a musician for five years. Famous, touring, telly, big names. His ex.....rich father, happy childhood, played the same instrument as him. Me....abused and bruised, normal job, not famous. I felt very second class. I stalked her social media and made myself miserable. Then I decided to get a grip. No matter what she has done, what am I doing?? Lying on the sofa deliberately making myself feel shit?

Unwise. Dont do it xx

Tiramysu · 02/02/2022 07:41

You know an awful lot about her

UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 07:41

You're very hard on yourself.
Nobody entered you in to a competition with this woman. You're not competing with her. If your bf is mooning after her inappropriately that's a different thread!

Please look in to the practice of self-compassion. Kristen Neff pd has a work book and several books / audios, also chris germer.

Talk to yourself like you are doing a great job of being You, not like you're runner up in a competition you never entered.

I feel like i used to be very like you. Right down to the inventory "proving" my inadequacies.

Its horrible. So exhausting, but you can live without this tape in yr head

theremustonlybeone · 02/02/2022 07:43

This is going to ruin your relationship if you don’t go and seek help. If your partner has given you no reason to doubt him this is in your head and will eat away at you. As someone else said get therapy and get the root cause of your own issues

Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 02/02/2022 07:44

I think it just stems back to when he was talking about her a lot that day, almost seemed like gushing. I don't usually feel like this but I do because of this person.

OP posts:
KimDeals · 02/02/2022 07:45

OP I get it. I was like this about my partners ex in fact. I had a masters, she had a masters and an MBA, I worked in the nonprofit sector, she left her high office job to head up a charity overseas… it was a case of ‘any thing you can do I can do better’ (in my head). It went on for a long time, I really did feel like “middle lane” in comparison. And it was only me doing the comparing!

And then I found a video of her online talking. She had the most droning flat voice I’d heard, and POP! my obsession went. She was human after all.

There is nothing wrong with her voice, but I had immortalised the woman into a superhero.

You will find your way back out of it!

UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 07:48

Yes i have a tendency to do that to people i see as above me. I superhero them! But i devalue humour, putting people at their ease etc.

UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 07:48

(My own traits)

MiddleParking · 02/02/2022 07:52

There is no explanation for you knowing all that that couldn’t be summed up as your partner being a total dickhead. Did he talk about her a lot for a short while then stop mentioning her altogether?

Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 02/02/2022 07:58

I know that she drives because she gives him lifts home from work.
He told me the work she does and her age so that's how I know
And she's also given him an old bike that she didn't use anymore for free as she's oh so nice Hmm

OP posts:
Stormtropper5000 · 02/02/2022 08:00

He seems to be talking about her an awful lot. And she gives him a lift to work. Hmm I'm sure part of it is only your insecurities. But I would be a bit miffed about my DH gushing about a female colleague so much.

Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 02/02/2022 08:02

Yeah it's on the way to be fair and she gives another guy a lift too but the giving him a free bike was a bit Hmm

OP posts:
Ipadflowers · 02/02/2022 08:09

I think you’re trying really hard to make it her fault as you didn’t like the initial replies. Right now they get on well and there is nothing wrong with her giving him an old bike.

If you think he’s going to cheat and you don’t trust him deal with it. But right now this woman is doing nothing wrong.

You can’t change others, you can only change yourself.

Gilly12345 · 02/02/2022 08:09

As you know so much about her, does she have children or husband/partner?

Are you married or not, do you have children?

Does your partner gush about other colleagues?

Gardeningcreature · 02/02/2022 08:12

Hmmm he seems to know an awful lot about her.
I am good friends with a work colleague. We socialise outside of work. However I have no idea what books they have read or even how they their house is.
He is either infatuated with her or you are incredibly insecure and making a rod for your own back.