Feel pretty inadequate compared to partner's colleague

[Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof]

I am probably paranoid but i just feel like she has more going for her than I do.
She looks more attractive with a better figure (though I know that's entirely subjective)
I'm sure my partner thinks she's incredibly attractive.
She drives and I don't as i failed many times and gave up.
My partner likes very specific books and whilst we share 1 or 2 in common he told me that they have pretty much both read all of the same books, ones that I'd not even heard of.
She has a degree and a Masters, as do I but she got a first and I got a 2:2 (I'm being ridiculous now i know)
She works full time with my partner in a job that doesn't seem related to the studies at all but i found her on LinkedIn and she seems to do this very high flying job on a freelance basis
I'm proud of the work i do, it isn't fantastically paid, i mean I manage fine but they are relatively low paid roles even though I have the qualifications.
I help vulnerable children and adults for a living, I'm proud of it. But you could tell he was really interested and impressed by what she does when he told me. I'm sure she has more money than me too.
She's exactly his age whereas I'm 3 years older (probably meaningless but might help him feel more connected)
I'm also relatively quiet and introverted whereas she's more outgoing by the looks of it.

I know comparison is the thief of joy. However I just feel like nothing in comparison, i know i have things to be proud of but i just feel like she's a much better 'catch' overall.
I know people will say 'he has chosen to be with you', that is true but i don't think such things are always black and white, I think there are often nuances in between such as 'if you weren't together he'd like to be with her'.

How do I stop feeling like this?

Tidy not they.

She's given him a bike so he wont ask for lifts.

I do think you should be much kinder to yourself but its still possible the problem here is that he's mooning after a colleague when he's in a relationship.

You could end the relationship and say its not meeting yr needs.

If you say anything about her, he'll tell you that you're insecure blah blah blah but even if you are, then a man who develops overt crushes on colleagues is not the man for you.

I agree with the initial replies as i know it's something I needed to work on, it didn't say anything different than I expected them to.
He 'thinks she's seeing someone' but not 100% sure.
And I didn't say she's doing anything wrong

Christ. I talk about my colleagues a lot because I spend 5 days a week with them! I give them lifts as they do me as we all live near by and do a lot of site work or have to commute. I’ve given a colleague a sofa before. Purely because I didn’t want it and they needed one. God only knows what my husband must think

Sometimes it’s not sinister 🤷‍♀️

I'll try to be kinder to myself anyway

“comparison is the thief of joy’

I’ve never heard this expression before, but how true it is. OP, there are no red flags being raised here, unless DH gives you reason to think his relationship is anything other than of friendly colleagues don’t read too much into it.

You might be insecure but he also might be interested in her....both can be true. I don't gush about colleagues.

Break them up. She sounds perfect.

Stalking her linked in to glean details to torture yourself with isn't healthy.
My husband had half an hour last night on how my colleague had been so awesome on a project and which restaurant we're going to when I see her next week, I don't fancy her!
I think this woman takes up way more space in your head than his.

Yabu but you're feeling insecure and that's ok. You've got a lot going for you and your job whilst maybe not as well paid helps the most vulnerable. There absolutely is worth in that and you should be proud of yourself. If your partner ultimately chooses to be with someone else there isn't anything you can do but you do need to be secure in yourself and only you can work on that.

I felt similar to you when I found out about my dh's ex. They had very similar interests, same musical tastes and in general a lot more in common or so I thought. I mentioned it to my dh once and he corrected me in that whilst they did enjoy the same music etc a lot of what they had in common was superficial whereas in terms of our relationship our core values were the same (there's weren't ultimately leading to a split). I ultimately realised that comparing myself to anyone else is a waste of time, there will always be someone younger, prettier, more extrovert than me. So what, there are many out there that don't have the qualities I have either and if dh wanted to be with someone else he would.

*their's

"I think there are often nuances in between such as 'if you weren't together he'd like to be with her'."

Surely we all meet people we could say that about? She might definitely not say it about your DH. You've got qualities that he was attracted to and ones which make him stay with you. On paper there's lots of 'better' people out there, but living with them could be a nightmare. I agree that you've got to get her out of your head. Looking her up fed into your feelings of inadequacy. Find strategies to change your thought process.

Honestly there's nobody else I'm interested in whilst I'm with my partner and no 'back up option' i.e if i weren't with him then I'd be interested in 'X'.
I don't think that's right at all.
I'll get it out of my mind though

It doesn’t sound like there’s anything to be worried about here. You’re feeling a little bit insecure so I would talk to him about that but don’t frame it in relation to this woman. I find lots of people I work with share my interests and the way I think and are very successful. They are great to talk with and I enjoy their company and they make me challenge myself to be better. But my partner is totally different - he doesn’t have the same interests, has talents and qualities that I don’t and thinks in a different way. I feel that he makes our partnership better by bringing these differences, that I could never share. It’s not a case of if I weren’t with him I’d be with one of them - tbh two people like me would drive me up the wall. But if he were ever insecure about that I’d want him to talk to me so I could put these to bed.

Honestly OP you get used to it. My DH is surrounded by highly attractive, rich, and mega-successful people at work, many of whom are women, and they all actively suck up to him (because he can choose who gets which project, etc). I find it annoying sometimes when he talks about how clever X is or how Y saved the day on his project but 🤷‍♀️ I have decided not to care 🤣

Have you ever felt this way about another woman - either in relation to your current partner or an ex? How confident are you generally?

Accepting yourself for who you are in this moment is really tough, but it's so worth persevering. You are judging yourself on the basis of someone else's standards - even if her life is as rosy as you think it is, that's still no way to live.

People will always be better off and worse off than you. No one will ever live the exact same life as you though. Spend some time looking at who you are in the mirror and telling that woman that she is enough. Because you know what? She is.

I speak to my husband about colleagues I admire, some of whom are men. I have absolutely no interest in them romantically and, what's more, even if I did they would have no interest in me.

A colleague of my husband pulled up one day to pick him up. Honestly: perfectly coiffred hair, sunglasses, scarf, open topped car. She might have said 'Ciao!' (that bit might be just in my head). I opened the door after a bad night with my baby, in a ratty nightie covered in milk stains. He kissed me and the baby goodbye and waved to us all the way down the street

She sounds amazing. BUT SHE JUST ISNT YOU

@Tempusfudgeit

A colleague of my husband pulled up one day to pick him up. Honestly: perfectly coiffred hair, sunglasses, scarf, open topped car. She might have said 'Ciao!' (that bit might be just in my head). I opened the door after a bad night with my baby, in a ratty nightie covered in milk stains. He kissed me and the baby goodbye and waved to us all the way down the street

That’s fab!

Could it also be that your partner wants to be more like her too? He might want to emulate her success but doesn’t fancy her.

I haven't voted because there's no right or wrong answer.

The key thing here is that your insecurity is making you feel this way (not her) and you need to investigate why... you sound fantastic so why are you so low about yourself and what could you do to make you feel better?

I would also speak to your husband... explain your insecurity, acknowledge that there is something here that needs work but could he give you a bit more reassurance... that way there is no blame game.

In the mean time, treat yourself: get a pedicure, get your hair done, invest in a new skincare regime, buy some make up... whatever it takes to give you a pick me up... lingerie always does it for me and if you're on a budget Primark have some lovely stuff ATM.

I agree. She gave him the bike because she doesn't want to give him lifts!

OP you haven't said anything about the state of your relationship

My DH worked for years with this kind of 'perfect woman' and they became good friends, I honestly did not worry about it because I had no doubts about how he felt about me.

I have a number of male work friends who my DH could easily become jealous of but he isn't, again because he knows how much I love him.

Do you have any reason to doubt your husband?

Don;t show any jealousy or insecurity, whatever you do. As well as being incredibly ugly and unattractive, it will drive him into her orbit.

There will always be women more beautiful that you, brighter, more academically gifted and more accomplished and "successful", depending on how you regard "success". This will happen from time to time, however, men rarely have affairs because a woman is brighter or more beautiful than his wife - they just want someone to be nice to them and have sex with them - that's enough.