Why do people destroy friendships by being competitive?

[whysonasty]

Inspired by another thread about being "acquaintance-zoned".

DH and I have "acquaintance-zoned" a couple recently.

We met when pregnant as our kids were born at the same hospital. They seemed like a nice enough couple (let's call them Karen and Ken) with no family nearby so we have invited them to Christmases/New Years/etc over the years. It had been a really rough start to DS' life as he has had health and various other issues that have kept my mind and energy very preoccupied since birth.

However, things have finally quietened down in the last year or so and I have finally managed to catch my breath. In that time I have started to notice some pretty unpleasant competitiveness and increasing subtle (some less subtle) putdowns from Karen towards the three of us. Always with a smile. I realise there had been many slightly off things over the years that I'd written off in my highly fatigued state, but suddenly it all came together. And now I can't unsee it. She's phoney and fairly unpleasant.

Thing is, Karen always wants to catch up. I know she's lonely (I'm starting to realise why she has so few friends), but I can't understand where the competitiveness comes from. And why she seems bent on getting me off side. I'm not competitive. I don't care if her kid is a future Mensa member. I don't care how much money she has. I don't care how clean her bloody house is. That should have been clear to her in our conversations. Yet she insists on having a one-sided competition with me.

I've stopped talking to her in any depth and kept our conversations fairly shallow, and dialled back the catch-ups. But the more I dial it back the more she attempts to connect. Why? I just don't get it. If she genuinely believes she's slumming it with my son and me, why pursue a friendship?

For the life of me I'll never understand why people waste their time on this crap. Can someone enlighten me?

How about letting her know how you feel
She might not be aware.
Be honest and open. And if you truly are friends this might work for you guys

I think this is the problem with being friends with people that perhaps you don't have that much in common with apart from DCs.

She must be insecure on some level. You could tell her, but I doubt that will go down well. I'd put her in the acquaintance zone as you have. I think that's fine. You don't owe people a friendship if they are being arses.

She sounds very insecure. I’ve come across many people like her. My husband calls them ‘elevenerifers’. If you’ve been to Tenerife, they’ve been to elevenerife.

Some people really want to have a connection but are so insecure, they absolutely have to gloat. The next time she makes a remark, I’d say something along the lines of “oh wow, yep, you win!”

I agree, @Buttermuffin. No point in telling her. She knows what she's doing. Now that her kid is old enough he's become very rude and started repeating things he's clearly heard from her. "Mummy says you're always late" (not true), "Your house is filthy" (also not true), "Your DS is always misbehaving" (again, not true). She's overheard a few times, gone red and berated him for getting her "in trouble".

ELEVENERIFE!!!

This is fantastic

She is a ‘leveller’. She either tries to bring you down, or else says great things about herself to bring you to the same level.
I know exactly what you mean that you can’t unsee it now.

If you feel like saying something to her, like ‘we are not competing, we are friends so stop comparing us’ then that would be brave, but I think you should move away from her as you have gone in different directions. I don’t like being around people like that, it’s stressful because it feels like you are just waiting for the next dig from them. It sounds like she is getting worse too.
Who needs that. Move on.

@LewI89 Unfortunately I have said a few things along those lines lately. Karen exaggerates her DS' ("Doogie") abilities to the point of complete ridiculousness. Which is fine. Everyone thinks their kid is the best thing in the world. But she makes a point of comparing with my DS. Eg. "How high can DS count?" "Well, Doogie can count to at LEAST a thousand." They were three. Same goes for language, sports, even height and weight etc. Lately I've slipped out with "Goodness me, he'll be onto calculus next!" "Have you had his IQ tested? He MUST be a genius!" I'm not proud of myself. Though she's completely missed the point.

DH and I have each had a friend like her in the past. They only seemed to want to know us when we were in our worst states. Eg. My ex-friend loved lording it over me when I was the sad single friend with always a sad story to tell. His ex-mate loved earning more than DH and owning his own place when DH rented. They both started being nasty when we got together, got married, got well-paid jobs and bought a large house. The nasty put downs started and now neither of them speak to us 🤷‍♀️ Luckily we have other friends so they can just go off and be jealous!

She's definitely getting worse @3luckystars. And little "Doogie" has become a right little shite too. My DS was always so excited to see him and now he's too cool for school. He's doing exactly what mum does and tries to compete and talk down to my son. I've interjected and pointedly said: "It's not a competition, Doogie." He just scowls.

I think a PP has hit the nail on the head. Being around people like that is stressful and saps all of the energy and positivity from you. Nobody needs that. I’d back away and become very ‘busy’. It’s horrible when we find ourselves in situations like these. Why are people such arses?

I am so stealing Elevenerife.

My Mother is exactly like this - she has to have a topper for each thing that happens in my life. I cut my finger she severs a leg. I get a job promotion she was de-facto CEO. My kids achieve something my brothers did it earlier or better.

It is exhausting dealing with the constant belittlement. Like you my way of dealing with it is to not give any information at all. Unfortunately this has turned her into someone who fixates on the minutiae of the information that people do give her or constantly bitches about people from her past or neighbours.

Like previous posted I think it comes from a place of deep insecurity. She thinks that because you have mentioned it as something you are proud of, to improve her self worth she must be better at what ever that measure is. Her insecurity prevents her from judging equivalence of acts. In her world unless she can top your story about your child's reading ability with a story about her child's reading ability she is diminished in social standing. Most people would be confident enough to know that your kid being a level up on reading or world projectile vomiting champion is great, but the fact that kid can spit 300m and solve calculus in their head. doesn't need to be mentioned at that particular moment in time.

She does it so she feels important. I think it’s human nature to compare and be pleased to find yourself ‘ahead’ … but to do it with friends?? That is emotional immaturity and insecurity all bundled into one.

People like this always seem rather pleased with themselves, and totally unaware that their victories mean nothing to anyone else.

@BigYellowHat It's just so bizarre, isn't it! We have other friends too, so it's no great loss. I've continued to catch up for my son's sake, but if little Doogie doesn't stop taking potshots at him that will end soon too.

You know what's funny though. A few times Karen has completely refused to believe things I've told her. Eg, turns out we have yoga in common. She asked which poses I liked so I told her. She refused to accept I could do them and insisted I show her. I couldn't as I was wearing a skirt in public (it was an inversion), so she told me to wear pants next time so I could "prove it". WTAF?

If you read “An Inspector Calls”, it is full of this. It seems behaving like this was a way of maintaining social status. 70 years ago. It is also a cautionary tale about treating other people badly. Some people just haven’t got the message yet.

YANBU but this was never a friendship in the first place, this woman sounds like she couldn’t have one. I do think people mistake acquaintances for friends quite a bit.

Yanbu. I find many people like this hence the loneliness. It would be nice if friends weren't threatened.

Wow! I could have written this about a "good friend".

Ultimately, I've realised she has untreated high functioning anxiety and needs to be one step ahead to plan for the outcomes.

I suffer with Pure OCD (not about cleaning) and there's been times when I've gone into myself, I just want to be on my own when I'm overwhelmed. Yet I get a barrage of texts asking 'what have I done wrong', never 'are you ok?' She never gets the vibe to just back off.

So paranoid.

I've had to be quite blunt at times with her, and now she's at arms length distance. I just wish our children weren't best friends!

So no real advice, but understand your pain!

You need to put Karen on an information diet.

People like her are like crabs in a bucket dragging everyone down to their level

Yes, I don’t know why some people do this. We have had it recently. We met a couple last year when our kids started school and they seemed really nice at first, but the husband is a relentless 1-upper. She’s turning out to be somewhat too.

Always going on about how big their house is, how much it cost, their cars etc. We took the kids karting and I injured my arm whilst there and struggled to drive. I was therefore last (not that I cared!). The DH kept going on an on about how much faster he was than the rest of us and that I was just pretending to have hurt my arm because I was ‘so crap’. I wasn’t particularly bothered until their DS started copying their Dad and saying to my DS ‘you were last because your Mum is rubbish’. DS was then upset and asking why I’d ‘made’ us last. I told him it didn’t matter, it was just a game but he was disappointed when previously he didn’t even notice and had just enjoyed the experience.

He also makes digs about my DH being in the fire service here (it’s voluntary but you do get paid). Nobody does it for the money - most people have FT jobs, but he’s full of comments about how he doesn’t need to do it as he doesn’t need the cash. We all know that he doesn’t actually do it because he can’t - his language skills are nowhere near the level required, despite him having lived here for ~ a decade (we’re all overseas). I don’t know why he even brings the subject up in the first place, it just ends in an awkward conversation.

Consequently, we’ve moved them into the acquaintance zone. We can’t avoid them altogether as the kids are the same age at the same school & crèche, but we certainly won’t be voluntarily spending much time in their company. It’s a shame really as it looked so promising at first, but all this competitive nonsense has wrecked it.

Just stop sharing anything, don't even engage sarcastically. Ignore boasts.

It's a shame but I think it's down to insecurity, this self aggrandising. I don't have kids but I do have a friend who is like this in other ways. Her partner too. I got onto a course to retrain that is a dream.of mine and very competitive. It'll be hard work but a big chance for me. I told them. Immediately 'I could do that, I'd be really good for XYZ reason. How do I apply?' Er... neither had ever shown any interest in the topic before. I was relieved as I had passed the first exam. Her 'I always got 100% in my exams'. Er, no you didn't. Everything is one upmanship, quite often at the expense of the truth and very brittle and boring. I understand it with her for various reasons. Him, he just comes across spoilt. It's a pity as real friends are happy for and supportive of one another.

Some people are like that. They measure their self worth by being better than others. Being better than someone that is quite accomplished is the ultimate win, so if don't have something to sneer at they'll make it up.

They don't have friends, they have benchmarks and they must always come on top.

It's tiring and boring .

I'm not excusing it because its highly highly annoying but I think for some people this is just the level they function on. If you're a competitive and insecure person you get used to having this protective carapace on display all the time and this is how you learn to relate to people, so you will tend to assume others are wired in the same way as you.

I have an old friend who is very similar to this and who I find utterly exhausting. I've definitely scaled her back because I find being with her very draining but I have come to realise that to some extent this is a coping mechanism for her and she can't really change it.

Life is too short to spend time with people who don’t make you happy.
You seem to have spent enough time in her company to realise that you don’t feel comfortable with her and her son.
You mention that you have lots of other friends so why not distance yourself from her and move on.
Life is not a competition but really what matters more is financial security, health, happiness and good family and friends.

@MadameHeisenberg That’s the thing though, isn’t it. It’s easy enough to roll your eyes, but once the kids get involved it starts to touch a nerve. My son is such an excitable, happy little chappy so it’s awful belittles him and turns everything into a competition. And belittles me in front of him! Little snot.

*so it’s awful when Doogie belittles him…