Why do people destroy friendships by being competitive?

[whysonasty]

Inspired by another thread about being "acquaintance-zoned".

DH and I have "acquaintance-zoned" a couple recently.

We met when pregnant as our kids were born at the same hospital. They seemed like a nice enough couple (let's call them Karen and Ken) with no family nearby so we have invited them to Christmases/New Years/etc over the years. It had been a really rough start to DS' life as he has had health and various other issues that have kept my mind and energy very preoccupied since birth.

However, things have finally quietened down in the last year or so and I have finally managed to catch my breath. In that time I have started to notice some pretty unpleasant competitiveness and increasing subtle (some less subtle) putdowns from Karen towards the three of us. Always with a smile. I realise there had been many slightly off things over the years that I'd written off in my highly fatigued state, but suddenly it all came together. And now I can't unsee it. She's phoney and fairly unpleasant.

Thing is, Karen always wants to catch up. I know she's lonely (I'm starting to realise why she has so few friends), but I can't understand where the competitiveness comes from. And why she seems bent on getting me off side. I'm not competitive. I don't care if her kid is a future Mensa member. I don't care how much money she has. I don't care how clean her bloody house is. That should have been clear to her in our conversations. Yet she insists on having a one-sided competition with me.

I've stopped talking to her in any depth and kept our conversations fairly shallow, and dialled back the catch-ups. But the more I dial it back the more she attempts to connect. Why? I just don't get it. If she genuinely believes she's slumming it with my son and me, why pursue a friendship?

For the life of me I'll never understand why people waste their time on this crap. Can someone enlighten me?

@LewI89

She sounds very insecure. I’ve come across many people like her. My husband calls them ‘elevenerifers’. If you’ve been to Tenerife, they’ve been to elevenerife.

Some people really want to have a connection but are so insecure, they absolutely have to gloat. The next time she makes a remark, I’d say something along the lines of “oh wow, yep, you win!”

We call them two shits!! You've had one, they have always had two Elevenerife sounds much nicer! Op she will soon come unstuck, assuming she is like this with everyone. My friend used to be like this - was obsessed with reading levels etc til it became clear her little princess wasn't as advanced as she thought then it tailed off.

[quote whysonasty]@BigYellowHat It's just so bizarre, isn't it! We have other friends too, so it's no great loss. I've continued to catch up for my son's sake, but if little Doogie doesn't stop taking potshots at him that will end soon too.

You know what's funny though. A few times Karen has completely refused to believe things I've told her. Eg, turns out we have yoga in common. She asked which poses I liked so I told her. She refused to accept I could do them and insisted I show her. I couldn't as I was wearing a skirt in public (it was an inversion), so she told me to wear pants next time so I could "prove it". WTAF?[/quote]
Haha she sounds like fun😂

She sounds a bit unhinged telling you her 3 year old can count to 1000 and demanding you prove your yoga abilities!

Actually slagging you off infront of her child behind your back (saying your house is filthy and your son misbehaves) isnt being competitive in my opinion, it's just plain nasty.

Is there anything nice about her? If she stopped 'competing' would you actually want to continue with the friendship anyway? If not then phase her out, life is too short. If so then I don't think you've got anything to lose by saying something. You could always say it from the point of view of your son rather than you (eg less 'it pisses me off when' and more 'I dont think it's fair to put my son in the position of being compared unfavourably by people who are supposed to be friends, he doesn't seem to be enjoying meeting up as much and I think it's because of this'

You're far too nice, I would have stopped seeing her well before now. Life is too short. Stop seeing her, if she confronts you tell her you feel you've nothing to offer and you are time stretched. She deserves a better friend. She'll love that shit

Someone people are insecure. Some people have nothing good about themselves so drag others down to make them feel better. Some people have been brought up to believe this is how people behave.

Doesn't matter why she does it really. It's annoying as fuck. Just ignore her. Or doing the same to her really sarcastically. My DH did this with one of his friends who was like this. Started telling him he'd gone to the moon and all other manner of bullshit.

@LoisWilkersonslastnerve

You're far too nice, I would have stopped seeing her well before now. Life is too short. Stop seeing her, if she confronts you tell her you feel you've nothing to offer and you are time stretched. She deserves a better friend. She'll love that shit

I agree with this - I suspect you are the “last man standing” with thus “frenemy” - others gave her the swerve years ago. You are stuck in some polite obligation that isn’t serving you or your DC well.

Basically she has an inadequate and insecure sense of self - she needs external validation to “know” who she is - and she achieves this by putting others down to keep herself afloat.

Don’t let her do this to you and especially your son. She will never change (unless she has extensive psychotherapy) so don’t waste your breath.

You need to surround your son with healthy positive radiant friendships - her DC (no surprises) is just like her. Minimise your DC exposure to this toxic family.

The draining tedious competition bit is bad enough but the nasty bitching behind your back is such a red line that you need to ask yourself why you have tolerated that.

I have learned that just feeling repeatedly uncomfortable in someone’s company is enough to know it’s time to move on - you don’t have to work out what’s wrong with them or what’s wrong with you - just know is icky and you are not compatible otherwise things just erode - so move on and surround yourself and your DS with emotionally healthy people.

The signs are that you have let this drag on for too long because you are hating on the DC - assume it’s another 3 year old. Don’t put yourself through it and be someone you don’t want to be.

The (now ex) wife of one of DH's friends was like this. It took me a while to catch on, as all her wee digs and insults were said with a smile. I think she has quite significant anxiety/insecurity issues, she has a trail of broken friendships behind her. Feel a bit sorry for her really, but we are no longer "friends".