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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting Dh to share marital difficulties with others?

47 replies

kindredsp · 01/02/2022 22:28

Dh and I have been together for the best part of 15 years. We’ve been through a lot of terrible traumas as a couple in that time but have clung on to each other despite it all. We both attend separate counselling for our issues and the plan will be marriage counselling when the time is right. In short, we are committed to each other but our marriage is not easy.
Because of the pandemic we both work from home, but decided to rent an office space near by to keep home and work separate. The other tenants who rent in the same building are very nice and slowly but surely we’ve made some of these people our friends, socialising with them in our spare time.
DH has bonded with a couple of the other guys and they go out together for drinks sometimes. I’m totally happy for him to do that, but was a bit shocked when he said he’d been talking to them about our difficulties. I think because they are people I see regularly going to and from work, plus when we get together with their wives, I just feel really uncomfortable that they know details (details from his perspective). I raised this with him and he thinks I’m being too sensitive because they were also talking about their marital difficulties and strains. I pointed out that non of their wives see these people on a day to day basis, but he couldn’t see my point and shut down the conversation.
AITA for making a fuss? Of course it’s healthy to talk to friends and he's got plenty of long term friends who I feel would be more suitable for sharing such personal information?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2022 22:30

I. Would. Be. Furious.

Hercisback · 01/02/2022 22:34

Depends on the level of difficulties and strains.

He's annoyed because you never put stuff in the dishwasher..... Fine to share.

One of you had an affair.... Not fine to share.

Undisclosedlocation · 01/02/2022 22:36

Sadly you dont get to choose which friends are ‘suitable’ for such discussions and if the roles were reversed, he would be called out as controlling for trying to monitor your conversations with friends
I do understand why you don’t like it and feel uncomfortable though

PermanentTemporary · 01/02/2022 22:37

I really needed to share stuff I was struggling with with my friends, so I'm afraid I'm with your husband. At least he told you.

Ponoka7 · 01/02/2022 22:41

In the groups of women who I've been friends with, we've always shared any issues. As said it depends on what's being shared, I'd be uncomfortable with sex issues being discussed. As you say, you have to see these people daily.

Crinkle77 · 01/02/2022 22:43

He needs to talk to somebody.

Ohyesiam · 01/02/2022 22:45

That’s what friends are for though isn’t it? To share our problems with and get a different perspective.

Original poster
kindredsp · 01/02/2022 22:46

Thank you for the responses. A lot of our issues stem from abusive childhoods we both experienced growing up, and a decade of fertility issues with the emotional rollercoaster that it all entails. Our communication can be pretty hideous at times and we can end up arguing over ridiculous things as a result. I just don’t want these people to know about most of that stuff. His childhood trauma is of course his to share.

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 01/02/2022 22:49

I’m on the fence, if he’s saying very generic stuff that you’ve had some struggles it’s one thing, if he’s going into all the details with drinking buddies it’s not ok.

I do feel that sometimes both men and women need to talk about marriage struggles with friends and sometimes get an external perspective, but it needs to be the right type of friends. Far too many judgy sanctimonious types out there.

GentlemanJayFab · 01/02/2022 22:55

My ex wife an I were the types to not let people know that our marriage was anything but perfect. The first our friends knew was when I left her.

I wish I'd of confided in people like your husband has. That way I could have got some answers to the problems in my head a lot sooner.

A problem shared and all that.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/02/2022 23:00

People need to talk about their problems though, it is not good to bottle them up and bury them. They also get to choose who they are comfortable discussing those problems with.

tara66 · 01/02/2022 23:01

Keep work matters and domestic problems separate.

Hercisback · 01/02/2022 23:46

From what you've said it doesn't sound that bad.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/02/2022 23:47

@Undisclosedlocation

Sadly you dont get to choose which friends are ‘suitable’ for such discussions and if the roles were reversed, he would be called out as controlling for trying to monitor your conversations with friends I do understand why you don’t like it and feel uncomfortable though
Yep this
DramaAlpaca · 01/02/2022 23:50

I'd be livid with DH if I thought he'd been discussing our marriage with anyone, other than a counsellor if appropriate of course.

KilmordenCastle · 01/02/2022 23:50

@sweeneytoddsrazor

People need to talk about their problems though, it is not good to bottle them up and bury them. They also get to choose who they are comfortable discussing those problems with.
I agree with this completely.
Arnia · 01/02/2022 23:55

I would hate this. From what you've said you don't sound compatible at all. Marriage shouldn't be this hard and he should know you well enough to know you'd be uncomfortable with him over sharing private details of your lives. I couldn't be with a blabber mouth. I know lots of people talk about the intimate details of their relationships with friends but to me that's a huge no no. My husband is the same and any issues are discussed between us only. The lighter stuff or minor irritations is for family/friends. I would be furious in your shoes.

Bellyups · 02/02/2022 00:01

No, sorry I don’t think it’s on.
Does he not have other friends? Choosing to speak about your marriage to people you have to see within a ‘work setting’ is not on. I would feel very uncomfortable with it. Maybe even a tiny bit betrayed.

Mincingfuckdragon · 02/02/2022 00:06

OP this is a tough one. On one hand, having to see people who know about your difficulties is hard on you. On the other hand, you've said your communication with him is terrible - which presumably means he can't talk to you about this stuff and I'm guessing he's seeing his counsellor less than weekly? If so, then he has to talk to someone - and maybe he thinks it's better that he talks to people who are not also your close friends?

Rinoachicken · 02/02/2022 00:15

Do you know what it is he’s ACTUALLY shared though?

It’s one thing to say ‘yeah we’ve had our ups and downs, marriage counselling worked well for us’ and another to give the details of childhood trauma. But I can’t imagine he would do the latter?

Wafflesnsniffles · 02/02/2022 00:16

DramaAlpaca
So you never discuss your marriage with friends? And your friends never discuss their marriage with you presumably.
Golly.
My friends and I talk about anything that happens to be currently on our minds. If that be our marriage/husbands - so be it.

Cameleongirl · 02/02/2022 00:16

@Arnia

I would hate this. From what you've said you don't sound compatible at all. Marriage shouldn't be this hard and he should know you well enough to know you'd be uncomfortable with him over sharing private details of your lives. I couldn't be with a blabber mouth. I know lots of people talk about the intimate details of their relationships with friends but to me that's a huge no no. My husband is the same and any issues are discussed between us only. The lighter stuff or minor irritations is for family/friends. I would be furious in your shoes.
My DH and I are the same, @Arnia. We discuss our problems and only share the minor irritations with other people, family or friends. If we had problems we couldn’t resolve, I think we’d go to a neutral counselor. Very serious issues such as abuse or infidelity would be different, we’d need support from family and friends then. Otherwise, our relationship is our business.

Perhaps that’s weird, but that’s what my Mum advised me to do and she was right on most things!

DramaAlpaca · 02/02/2022 00:22

@Wafflesnsniffles

DramaAlpaca So you never discuss your marriage with friends? And your friends never discuss their marriage with you presumably. Golly. My friends and I talk about anything that happens to be currently on our minds. If that be our marriage/husbands - so be it.
Nope. No, I don't. I'm very private. I don't know why you think that's strange. I have plenty of things I prefer to talk about with friends and my marriage isn't one of them.
MalingeringMary · 02/02/2022 00:25

Yabu. Let him talk to whomever he wants,

Cameleongirl · 02/02/2022 00:29

Same here, @Wafflesnsniffles. Minor things like “DH is obsessed with his new bike/the football at the moment,” or DH and I went to see X recently,” but that’s about it. I’d rather talk about other things! I know very little about my friends’ relationships as well, except for the one who went through a horrible divorce. She’s told me about some of his behaviour.☹️