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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting Dh to share marital difficulties with others?

47 replies

kindredsp · 01/02/2022 22:28

Dh and I have been together for the best part of 15 years. We’ve been through a lot of terrible traumas as a couple in that time but have clung on to each other despite it all. We both attend separate counselling for our issues and the plan will be marriage counselling when the time is right. In short, we are committed to each other but our marriage is not easy.
Because of the pandemic we both work from home, but decided to rent an office space near by to keep home and work separate. The other tenants who rent in the same building are very nice and slowly but surely we’ve made some of these people our friends, socialising with them in our spare time.
DH has bonded with a couple of the other guys and they go out together for drinks sometimes. I’m totally happy for him to do that, but was a bit shocked when he said he’d been talking to them about our difficulties. I think because they are people I see regularly going to and from work, plus when we get together with their wives, I just feel really uncomfortable that they know details (details from his perspective). I raised this with him and he thinks I’m being too sensitive because they were also talking about their marital difficulties and strains. I pointed out that non of their wives see these people on a day to day basis, but he couldn’t see my point and shut down the conversation.
AITA for making a fuss? Of course it’s healthy to talk to friends and he's got plenty of long term friends who I feel would be more suitable for sharing such personal information?

OP posts:

Wafflesnsniffles · 02/02/2022 00:37

Really? Wowsers. I only talk to one or two of my most trusted friends about such things - and the same for them (not necessarily with me - but someone for sure)

I am genuinely surprised.
I know quite a few who are extremely private about such things and for that reason........ they are people Im not really friends with. One person I know doesnt seem to have friends as such at all - shes nice to everyone but not actually friends to anyone.

Cameleongirl · 02/02/2022 00:54

Perhaps it’s my age! I’m 47 and my friends are in their 40’s and 50’s, most in LTR. We don’t have much interest in each other’s 20/25 year marriages, we get together for a good laugh and talk about what we’re up to with work, children, holidays, hobbies, setting the world to rights, etc. our partners don’t get much of a look-in, tbh.🤣

Cheeseplantboots · 02/02/2022 02:38

Yanbu - I’d be furious as would my husband if I shared marital stuff with my friends. In almost 30 years neither of us have done that.

Marvellousmadness · 02/02/2022 05:21

Yabu. Its healthy to talk about your relationship. Necessary even.

Doomscrolling · 02/02/2022 05:27

YABU.

If he needs to talk over his problems with his mates, that’s fine. Isn’t that part of being friends?

phizog · 02/02/2022 06:19

I think marital problems should only be discussed with people your spouse is not going to be seeing regularly. Most of us don't see our partner's friends every day or all that frequently... Discussing problems with old, good friends is one thing, airing it to every new mate you grab drinks with, who your partner sees everyday is not on.

caringdenise009 · 02/02/2022 06:29

I don't think the OP is concerned with him sharing his problems with his friends. It's the fact that they are mutual acquaintances and she has to see them every work day too. They can't be very close friends if he's only got to know them through the coincidence of using the same office space over the last two years.

Do you both use this office OP? I would look for a separate one if so.

FlamingRoses · 02/02/2022 07:29

I have always spoken to friends for advice and to sound off if I need to. I think it’s healthy.

I have friends who don’t as they think other people would judge their partners.

Both are fine.

Original poster

kindredsp · 02/02/2022 09:45

Thank you for all the differing points of view. We certainly all see things differently which is so interesting! Just to clarify, of course I understand he needs to talk to friends but I’d rather it not be the ones I see regularly and was actually on the point of hiring one of them to complete some work for me on behalf of the company I work for. I now feel awkward as he’s shared quite personal things. I’d also point out he attends weekly therapy on top of that, so he is not short on opportunities to talk about his feelings.
From our marriage point of view, historically our communication was bad. I think so many awful things were happening that we hunkered down and didn’t want to weigh the other down, but that is greatly improving. We never argued for years but that was because everything we talked about was superficial, and now we are communicating more openly it leads to rifts which we are good at working through.
Someone on this thread said marriage isn’t meant to be so hard. But surely by that same reasoning, life isn’t meant to be this hard, and it certainly has for us. Yet we keep going and want to be with each other on a very deep level of love and understanding (albeit we are a little wobbly on getting that across). I literally couldn’t imagine being with anyone else and I know he feels the same. Surely that’s what marriage should be about?
But I am upset that he’s chosen these particular friends who he’s known a year to discuss some quite personal aspects of our marriage. I’m quite private with my friends. I don’t go beyond the “he didn’t empty the dishwasher” level of moaning. But they are aware of my personal struggles from childhood abuse and of course our struggles with having a family. I’m quite private about our dynamics but I don’t expect him to be the same with his friends. Just to chose friends that are exclusively his friends (of which he has quite a few). He’s certainly got more friends than me, so I am frustrated that he’s disclosed this info to people I have to see regularly and potentially work with.

OP posts:

WhatsWithAllTheCarrots · 02/02/2022 09:57

Sorry, but I think if he needs to talk to someone, he needs to talk to someone. It's healthy to do so, and may well help him to resolve problems and therefore make your relatonship better. I appreciate you might feel a little awkward with people you see socially - but let's face it, ANYONE he talks to bar a counsellor is going to be a friend, therefore someone you will see socially. I think it's positive that men feel able to talk about their problems and seek support from one another.

Suzanne999 · 02/02/2022 09:57

@Hercisback

Depends on the level of difficulties and strains.

He's annoyed because you never put stuff in the dishwasher..... Fine to share.

One of you had an affair.... Not fine to share.

This.

Anything more than you leave towels on the bathroom floor is not ok.

WhatsWithAllTheCarrots · 02/02/2022 10:01

Sorry, just read your most recent post. I can see why you're frustrated re: people you want to work with knowing intimate details about your life. And I think actually it would be fair enough to ask him to, in future, choose friends to discuss it with who aren't people you might want to work with. I think maybe just emphasise that you appreciate he needs to talk to other people, you're not asking him to stop that, you're just asking him to change with people he talks to as a compromise to help you feel more comfortable x

Kbyodjs · 02/02/2022 10:01

I don’t think you get to decide who he confides in; I talk to my friends about my marriage and DH doesn’t get to decide who is suitable to talk to and who isn’t as long as the people I’m telling also keep it private

T00Ts · 02/02/2022 10:05

Has he shared personal information about you specifically, @kindredsp? Or personal information surrounding your relationship?

KatherineSiena · 02/02/2022 10:06

I agree with you OP. If he really wants to confide in people, in addition to his counsellor, then I think choosing people you both work alongside is very inappropriate. You say he has plenty of other friends then he can talk to them.

If I were you I’d be reconsidering sharing your work place with him, it rather sounds as if you could do with a bit of distance/separation between work and home.

Horst · 02/02/2022 10:08

Yeah marriage issues stay in the marriage or with a professional. His childhood trauma sure that’s his to share, if he personally has fertility issues again that’s his to share.

Your fertility, your childhood trauma etc that’s yours.

JustLyra · 02/02/2022 10:11

It's really out of order to share details with people that you both work around.

Not only does it put you in an awkward position, but potentially them too.

There's a line where sharing is ok and isn't and for me that would cross it. His stance that he can continue sharing with them, after you've explained your discomfort, would be a big issue for me.

You've not asked him not to talk to anyone, just not the people you both see every day.

thispooshallpass · 02/02/2022 10:19

Whether sharing is appropriate or not, to me, depends on:

what is being said (intimate or embarrassing)
how truthful his account is (only mentioning things you do and not what preceded etc.)
whether the other person shares info and how close they are. Sharing personal info with acquaintances or work colleagues is a bit much.

I totally get it. I would not like it being shared with work colleagues at all, hopefully he's more mindful now.

Hankunamatata · 02/02/2022 10:26

It's not u to to police what he tells his friends. It's actually really healthy that he is talking to his friends and feeling comfortable enough to tell you.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/02/2022 10:30

@kindredsp

Thank you for the responses. A lot of our issues stem from abusive childhoods we both experienced growing up, and a decade of fertility issues with the emotional rollercoaster that it all entails. Our communication can be pretty hideous at times and we can end up arguing over ridiculous things as a result. I just don’t want these people to know about most of that stuff. His childhood trauma is of course his to share.

I would be livid if he shared that kind of stuff which is deeply personal and private with them, especially since you have to see them at work everyday

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/02/2022 10:39

This may not be the case here but the person who needs to talk has to be the one who picks who they are comfortable talking to and that is not always going to be their closest friends and some times it might even mean male talking to female or vice versa. That doesn't make them blabber mouths, or having an emotional affair it means they are talking as a way of working through overwhelming feelings that they need some support with. Maybe if more people did this without judgement there would be less suicide.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 02/02/2022 17:24

@Hankunamatata

It's not u to to police what he tells his friends. It's actually really healthy that he is talking to his friends and feeling comfortable enough to tell you.

This above. He can in reality, tell anyone he likes whatever he likes. Unless he's telling them personal details about how bad you are in bed or other such sensitive stuff you need to get a grip!

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