To not have a routine for my baby/be keeping him with me?

[Ftm229]

Help me mumsnet! I'm a clueless first time mum.
My 19 week old baby:

• Co-sleeps
• Naps on me (or his dad)
• Stays downstairs with us til we go to bed so has no real bedtime routine as such, but gets into PJ's, has bottle and is asleep by 8.30pm (ish).

He wakes once or twice a night for feeding, and is up by 6.30am pretty consistently. He has quite long naps in the day, no set times but he has a loose "routine" of his own.

I've been told by so many people I need a bedtime routine and to put him to bed (I thought SIDS risk was higher if they are in a separate room before 6 months?), stop co-sleeping (rod for my own back has been mentioned a few times!!) and stop him napping on me.

I feel happy enough with our set up. I know my baby isn't spoiled by being cuddled but I hear so much about routine etc that I wonder, am I somehow doing him a disservice? Would he be better off with a routine and napping and sleeping alone?

Very much doubting myself at the moment!

My first only used to nap on me and it became very limiting once she moved to longer less frequent naps. I didn’t manage to get her to nap in her cot until she was 11 months and it wasn’t great. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my second was in a pretty strict routine from early on for naps.

At night I’m of the camp or whatever gets you the most sleep. Both of mine were in bed for 7 pretty early on and sleeping through from about 10 weeks. Second in particular was so overstimulated from the fist one that all hell would break loose if she wasn’t in a darkened room by 6.30. If co/sleeping is getting you sleep and it works for you then crack on.

Also… sleeping babies don’t always turn into sleeping toddlers and vice versa. My second wakes much more at 2 than she ever did as a baby so you’re in it for the long haul. Do what you need to do to get sleep however you can.

Still co sleeping with my 14 year old. We had no routine as such but now our lives have just 'slotted into place' with work,school etc. My 16 year would be in here too buttheres not quite enough space.

My DS is 17 weeks and he started struggling to settle with us downstairs around 13 weeks or so and was getting really over tired. So we now put him to bed in his crib upstairs with the monitor on at 7pm. I then go to bed at 9-10ish, usually around the time of his first wake up. The advice is to have them sleeping in the same room but in practice that seems impossible all of the time once they get a bit older so for some naps and the early part of the night we use the monitor.

In terms of routine, early on I tend to just go by awake times e.g Ds starts to get grizzly after 1.5 hours awake so then it’s time to change, settle and then put to sleep or head out for a walk etc. I follow EASY as a general principle, which is Eat/activity/sleep/you time. I try to avoid feeding to sleep as I want DS to settle for DH too and not only me (learnt
from my mistakes with my DD). Also, he was very refluxy as as a little baby so sleeping after feeding was a no. It’s possible to have a routine without being regimented. My Ds wakes every 2 hours at night, so we will probably increasingly focus on routine to try and improve that!! If he slept better I’d probably be more easy going!

I would only say that if things continue in the same way and you start to want your own bed back etc, it's probably easier to change things before 18 months or so, and possibly the easiest time is from about 6-12 months, when they are slowly big enough to go through the night without a feed, but still too small to fight either you about bedtime. I think your routine is pretty normal for a 19 week old, in a few weeks it will be easier to have a routine and naps in cot and stuff. Your advisers are probably not really thinking about whether their advice is appropriate now or in a few weeks - people forget how fast babies change.

@BookFiend4Life

Hey OP! We started out similarly to you, our baby is 11 months. About a month ago we transitioned to having her do naps and a couple hours at night in her crib. When she wakes up I go get her and bring her back to our bed. It's a good blend of giving us a few baby free hours and still getting sweet sleepy cuddles and wakeups.

This is a great idea, thank you!

Thank you for the replies everyone - much appreciated. I think I'll go with the flow for now and see what happens as he gets a bit older, it sounds as though he may develop more of a routine by himself - or start sleeping better on his own. But for now it's working so as most of you say, why change it!

Sounds all fine to me - didn’t doubt yourself and read up on attachment parenting and gentle parenting - you’re doing fine!

*dont, not didn’t

I've co-slept (as in effectively bed shared) with three, until - I really don't know - about two, two and a half-ish each time. No. 1 was still coming into our bed at 8 or 9. No. 2 rarely ever did as soon as he was in his own bed. No. 3 more like no. 2; she's 6 now and comes into our bed perhaps once every two or three months. We never had a fabled 'routine' either - went the whole bf co-sleeping sling-using hog tbh -, but as they grow and go to childcare etc, life imposes one on you and it's fine. I was happy to have that closeness for those first couple of years (of course there were moments where I just wanted to sleep on my bloody own, particularly because all mine were still bf at night well into their second year, but it was fine in terms of the general direction) and IMO and E if you are also, there is certainly no need to impose a 'routine' just because others suggest you must.

@Sleepaway

When anyone asks your routine, tell them what you said here with a big smile. Anyone asking gets a 'it works for us and we all need sleep."

Your mum - "times have changed, this is the fashion now."

You carry on OP. I thought everyone did this sort of thing for as long as they wanted with a new baby. Beats the cold trip across the landing at 3am.

Even 44 years ago the tedious word 'routine' used to be trotted out, Have you got into a routine yet? Yes, today's routine will probably be different from yesterday's and tomorrow's! I'd never heard of 'routine' in this context before, seemed very regimented.

Do what you like. I got so stressed trying to get into a routine I ended up just giving up and responding to baby's needs and letting them sleep on me whenever. They got themselves into a routine soon enough I just had to tune into it.

It did make it a bit of a pain to plan going anywhere but this was at the start of the pandemic so there wasn't much to do!

I wouldn't worry about a routine until they are 18 months or so.

Something like 70% of the global population co-sleeps. We’re at 8 months and I still get into bed with our son while he naps (I read, have a cuppa, come on here!). I’m very routine-resistant too (we’re quite spontaneous as a couple so are clinging onto that while we can), so until one presents itself we’re going with the flow. We did try a few nights in his own room but it was hell, and at around 4am we thought “why are we doing this?!” He wakes every half hour on his own, or once or twice a night in with us when I can just pop a boob in. I get way more sleep co-sleeping and he’s happy babbling away for half an hour or so in the mornings while we wake up.

Trying to put him down for naps when he’s not ready results in our house being screamed down! But I’ve friends who have brilliant routines going. Whatever works for you is great.

I wouldn’t worry about a time based routine but if you think in time you may wish to use nap time to get stuff done or have an adult evening/go out then it may be worth pursuing naps and bedtime in a cot. You can always take them in with you at first waking if you wish. I hated contact napping as I felt trapped, others love every second.

It's fine when they are tiny, the difficulty is it can be very hard to change habits as they get older.

Eg. Do you plan to return to work? A nursery will generally expect a baby over 1 to slip into "their" routine.

Do you like to socialise with friends or do anything outside the home in the evening? If baby won't sleep except on you/with you in the room often it can really limit you popping to the gym or to meet a friend once they are in bed. You may not mind that now, in a couple of years time it might frustrate you.

A wise women told me: As long as the baby is happy and growing and developing well, nothing is a problem unless it's a problem for you.

I agree, just don't tell people what you do. Everyone loves to give advice.
We didn't put our baby in a separate room from us until she was 6 months but our downstairs was basically unliveable back then anyway so it wasn't that hard to be in the same room.
I think we instated some form of bedtime routine around 22 weeks - bath, pyjamas, feed kind of thing but I must have then got into bed next to her straight away. I can't even remember!

You do you, everything you're doing is fine and I know it's a cliche but they're babies for such a short time. Eventually they won't want to have every nap on you - mine just seemed to naturally choose to self settle in a process between 9 and 15 months - and you'll miss all the snuggles. Soak up that baby time.

Whatever works best for you is fine, it really doesn’t matter.